Suddenly, my life has no more purpose

Wed, 24 June 2009Sun, 13 December 2009 - Sheylara 38 Comments

I woke up this morning feeling a sickening emptiness inside me.

Out of habit, I bounced out of bed to wash up so I could quickly have some breakfast to replenish liver glycogen.

But, as I was brushing my teeth, I found myself asking, “Why?”

I completed my California Fitness BodyAge Challenge yesterday, so there is no more reason to be obsessive over my diet anymore.

Groceries

I mean, I still recognise that a good diet is important for general well-being but, in the last two months, there was a purpose to my rigorous dieting.

I pushed myself way beyond comfort zone and was able to keep myself going with the promise of acing the challenge. (I am very inwardly competitive and derive great satisfaction from surpassing my limits.)

For the last two months, with the help of Dr Evil (my personal trainer Eric Goh), I made drastic changes to my diet and lifestyle.

I woke up mornings and ate breakfast.
I totally gave up desserts and junk food.
I went grocery shopping three to four times a week to ensure I was eating enough every day.
I started cooking my own meals.
I read endless nutrition articles every other day to perfect my diet.
I worked out at the gym twice a week and went running once a week.
I went to great lengths to make sure I ate the right things at the right time to maximise my workout gains.

I was even stricter on myself than Dr Evil was on me, diet-wise.

In contrast, two months ago, my lifestyle went roughly like this:

Wake up after 12 pm. First meal of the day is potato chips or salty crackers. Sometimes, first meal of the day happens after 7 pm. 80% of diet consists of fried food, junk food, soft drinks. Zero exercise.

The important thing to consider is that, even with such appalling lifestyle and diet, I was still slim and looked pretty much okay, outwardly, so there was no reason to do anything different.

My diabetic foot and obesity almost closed me home. I can`t leave the house without someone`s help. Thank God I can order the drugs I need from https://www.philipsanimalgarden.com/phentermine-online/. They also give free consultations on drug use and have a medical specialist who can write out a prescription online. Thanks to this online pharmacy I can get the needed treatment on schedule.

But, with the California Fitness BodyAge Challenge, which measured my insides, I had to make changes to get results.

And I did make the changes and stuck to them rigidly.

Sandwich

I was even obsessive over it, but that’s how I tackle challenges and projects. I go all out and put my whole body and soul into it.

Maybe that’s my drug.

I feel a heightened sense of fulfillment from successfuly completing objectives over and beyond expectations.

There was purpose to my waking early every day. There was purpose to my eating lots of plain hard-boiled eggs and throwing all the yolks away. There was purpose to enduring the twice-weekly gym trips to torture my muscles. There was purpose to waking up at 6 am to run.

I even looked forward to every day with excitement.

Sheylara

The purpose was to get a good result for the BodyAge Challenge and also, very importantly, to not fail Dr Evil, who had dedicated his time and energy in helping me achieve my goals.

And, suddenly, now, it’s all over.

I won’t tell you my results yet because the challenge is not officially over. The other participants have yet to complete their sessions.

But it’s over for me and I feel very lost and empty.

I had a feast last night to celebrate. We had a buffet dinner at Curry Favor and I went crazy with the curries and rice and fried stuff. Even plain white rice has become a luxury for me because I haven’t been able to eat carbs after 6 pm for two months.

After that, we had the most amazing alcoholic ice cream at Udders (separate post on that to come).

Ice Cream

It was nice but, even then, the emptiness was already starting to build up within me.

There was a fear that I would wake up the next day feeling lost.

The fear was founded. I woke up today filled with dread.

After going “clean” for two months, I suddenly feel reluctant to stuff my body with salt and fats and other evil things. I feel at the same time repulsed and attracted to them.

I feel directionless. To eat or not to eat? I have the freedom to eat anything I want now and I find myself plagued with conflicting thoughts, instead.

Half

And, in fact, thinking about eating all the favourite foods I’ve been deprived of makes me feel even worse because I’d be undoing everything I’ve worked so hard for.

I realise I can still carry on with my “healthy lifestyle” and continue a clean diet (but being a lot less obsessive over it), and I will still continue an exercise routine.

But it’s not the same anymore.

There is no D-Day to look forward to. There is no prize at the finishing line. There is no Dr Evil to answer to. There is only the promise of a fitter, healthier, sexier me in the long run, but that’s not really something tangible or exciting to look forward to, so it can’t invoke the same kind of discipline.

Especially since I am already slim by nature without having to diet for it. I can eat Big Macs and fries every day and still look the same.

Sheylara

What I’m feeling now is akin to withdrawal. I was on a high of pursuing a goal intensely and now I’m crashing.

For two months, I was literally intoxicated on the excitement of reaching a goal. Now, the goal is gone, the adrenaline is gone, and I am on a total, devastating down.

I know what I’m feeling is temporary and I’ll get over it as I find new challenges and goals for myself. I get this all the time, with post-production blues.

But, in the meantime, I’m a sad little lost ghost and it’s not a good feeling.

Sheylara at the gym

Everyone wants to be “healthy”

Sun, 21 June 2009Sun, 13 December 2009 - Sheylara 21 Comments

It’s amazing how easy it is to get people all excited about healthy lifestyle activities. And I mean people who do not already have a healthy lifestyle.

I’m using the term “healthy lifestyle” rather loosely here. I mean engaging in activities that involve physical exertion, such as cycling and inline skating.

Last night, a total of 12 people turned up at our quite last-minute outing at East Coast Park. Six cyclists and six skaters.

East Coast Park

All of us haven’t skated/cycled in years. Some over ten years. Most also haven’t exercised in years.

And, it’s like:

“Hey, let’s go skating/cyclling at ECP tomorrow night!”

“Okay!”

No questions asked, no hesitation.

I get the feeling that most people want to partake in healthy activities but they won’t do it until someone pulls them off their bums to do it.

I have been taking this drug for 2 years but it has not been better. I am now taking less mg. In the beginning, I had 5000 mg 3 times a day. And I’m already feeling a lot better. I recommend this stuff, Valtrex is OK. I think after three tablets that it could come from the Zelitrex. Don’t trust me to take it anymore.

Minou is a cyclist but she has suddenly gotten interested in skates.

East Coast Park

Before our session, we stopped by at the skate shop for her to try on skates.

Feeling wobbly and nervous, she used Unker Kell as a support pillar. It was quite funny because Unker Kell was protesting all the way.

East Coast Park

Typical inane Club Morte conversation.

Minou didn’t get skates in the end because the one she liked didn’t come in her size and the one that fit perfectly she didn’t like.

Wang Wang, who had originally planned to buy a bike to join the bikers’ faction, suddenly decided that she wanted to skate, too.

Joining us later in the night, the first thing she did was drag everyone to the skate shop.

Again, for some reason, Unker Kell became the support pillar.

East Coast Park

I think he just has a talent for being at the right place at the right time. Haw haw haw.

Unfortunately, Wang Wang also couldn’t find a comfortable size in a design she liked, so she rented an overnight pair.

We did about 10 km in total, going from Lagoon Food Centre to Tanah Merah, then back again. With many rest stops in between.

I needed “toe stops” (a phrase coined by Unker Kell) cos I’m still seasoning my new skates and my toes would lose blood circulation and get numb every 15 minutes or so.

East Coast Park

I’m afraid my toes would die and fall off my feet, so I remove my skates every so often to let them “breathe” before resuming torturing them.

Wang Wang needed “crying stops” cos she had totally lost her skating mojo and kept falling on her bum.

Crying on… guess whose shoulders?

East Coast Park

Haha.

At one point, we contemplated journeying to Changi but it was already 11 pm and everyone was hungry, especially Kerrendor, whose last meal was 12 hours ago, crazy bugger. (That’s him sitting on the floor in the photo above.)

So we hightailed it back to Lagoon Food Centre, where everyone feasted on BBQ chicken wings, oyster omelete, BBQ stingray, satay and fishball meepok.

I had to eat fish slice soup because my restricted diet is still on. Sad.

But the fish slice soup turned out to be very tasty because it was flavoured with Chinese wine, milk and salted vegetables and served in a claypot. And the fish was super fresh and tender. It made me feel like I was cheating, lol.

East Coast Park

Someone said during our meal, “We’re wasting our workout on all this food!”

And someone retorted, “But the reason to exercise is so we can enjoy this food.”

I couldn’t agree more!

Dr Evil

Thu, 11 June 2009Sun, 13 December 2009 - Sheylara 39 Comments

I gave Eric Goh, my personal trainer at California Fitness, a new nickname.

I now call him Dr Evil.

Sheylara and Dr Evil

Of course, he’s not evil evil, because everything he does ultimately benefits his gym charges but, still, sometimes you just want to strangle him.

Like, he bluffed me that my body fat mass was a lot higher than it actually was, and I didn’t find out the truth until our 7th week together.

Sheylara at the gym

He’d make me do really unglam exercises.

Sheylara at the gym

With wretched aftermaths.

Sheylara at the gym

Earlier today, we were doing crunches.

Now, for the past 15 sessions, we had always been doing three sets of each workout, with the exception of one session, when we only did two.

So, after three sets of 50 crunches each, I waited for him to ask me to get up, as usual.

He didn’t.

Sheylara at the gym

I turned to him and gave him a pitiful look.

I said, “I finished three sets already.”

He looked back at me with a poker face and said, “Yah, I know.”

I said, “So, I’m done, right?”

He said, “Are you?”

I said, “Don’t tell me you’re making me do a fourth set!”

He said, “Why not?”

I said, “Where got do four sets one?!?!?”

He said, “Why not? Did we sign a contract saying you can only do three sets?”

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

And then he did the “neverending count” trick during my fourth set. The one where he goes back to 30 after counting 39, so I never, ever reach 40.

Sheylara at the gym

Anyway, my BodyAge Challenge is almost at an end. One more session for me, and then the final test to measure my body age.

I can almost smell the durians and the Big Macs! Right now, it’s like, got chair cannot sit.

Sheylara at the gym

I can’t believe I’ve dieted for two months. I’ve never been able to stick to any kind of diet for two days.

I guess having an evil trainer really helps a lot. And I’ve never felt healthier in my life.

I might actually miss allowing myself to be tortured like this when it’s all over.

But I’ll confirm with you again after I’ve feasted on my durians and Big Macs. =)

Sheylara at the gym

The gym workouts I hate most

Wed, 3 June 2009Sun, 13 December 2009 - Sheylara 20 Comments

The ironic thing about working out at the gym is that it never gets easier as you get stronger. What it gets is exponentially harder.

Sheylara at the gym

I mean, I sort of understand why that is so. You can’t get stronger unless there is enough exertion. There’s no point in working out if it’s going to be a walk in the park.

But where is the motivation if you never get to feel stronger because your weights increase every session even before you can feel your strength difference?

I guess there’s only one way to feel motivated: Looking good at the gym.

Sheylara at the gym

HAH.

Even when I feel like keeling over, I can take comfort in the fact that if I really do keel over, at least I’d look good doing it.

I put a lot of care in selecting my gym outfits. I even have two different pairs of gloves to match different outfits. The gloves, by the way, aren’t purely vanity items.

I realised that I needed gloves after working with hardcore weights that attempted to burn holes through my skin.

Sheylara at the gym

Need to protect the little hands.

So, the workouts that I hate the most, in no particular order:

Lunges

Sheylara at the gym

I’ve mentioned this before. I’m mentioning it again because my trainer enjoys making me do them.

He’d be like, “OKAY~! Now, your favourite exercise! Woohoo!”

And I’d go, “Hey, I just remembered I have a meeting to go to!”

My lunging expressions:

Sheylara at the gym

Lunges are totally evil, I swear. Just like Eric Goh.

Next.

Leg Extensions

Sheylara at the gym

See the evil-looking red padded thing just above my feet? I’m supposed to lift it with my feet (or thereabouts). It weighs about the same as a HDB flat.

Before leg extensions:

Sheylara at the gym

After leg extensions:

Sheylara at the gym

This is like a frozen grimace, an expression I practise a lot while working out. It means “I just died and this is my dying expression frozen for posterity”.

Unfortunately, leg extensions don’t actually make our legs longer.

Fortunately, we’ve only done this twice so far. I hope I won’t be scheduled for it anymore within this millennium.

Ball Crunches

Sheylara at the gym

This is a lot harder than it looks!

It is a billion times harder than it looks. Cos you have to balance yourself on the ball while doing crunches, and the balancing act alone is harder than normal crunches.

This was the first time I did it and I hate it already.

Eric had to hold me in place because I kept rolling off the ball. Haha.

Look of abject misery disguised as false bravado:

Sheylara at the gym

(I meant on my face, not on Eric’s face, of course. Eric looks gleefully wicked, as always.)

To make up for giving me three of my most hated exercises all within a day, Eric offered me some verbal motivation at the end of day.

“You did well today! Very impressed with your handling of weights and your control!” he said.

Well, tell that to my dead muscles!!!

To be honest, though, I think I am getting stronger. I’ll tell you why next time.

Sheylara at the gym

When torturous is funny

Wed, 27 May 2009Sun, 13 December 2009 - Sheylara 8 Comments

Already ten sessions into the California Fitness BodyAge™ Challenge, I’m still laughing uncontrollably during my workouts.

Sheylara at the gym

I thought I would get tired of laughing, eventually, because there’s only so much humour one can milk out of a particular situation.

But working out is still fun. And funny.

Especially if you’ve got a trainer like Mr Eric Goh, Nightmare Incarnate.

Sheylara at the gym

It’s quite amazing how he can torture you and make you laugh at the same time.

Over the years (six years, I believe), he has accumulated a fine collection of nicknames given by his fitness clients, for example, Evil Eric. I believe my contributions were “Slave driver” and “Sadist”.

And to think that when I first laid eyes on him, I had thought, “Oh, he looks kind and harmless.”

Sheylara at the gym

Station #1

Quadriceps training. It’s damn heavy, by the way.

Sheylara at the gym

Eric: Be careful when you’re working out on this piece of equipment. Don’t ever let go your legs.

Sheylara: Why?

Eric: Because the only things supporting this weight are your legs. If you let go, it was crash down all the way until something stops it. Which is you.

Sheylara: Why so dangerous one!

Eric: Yes, so don’t let go.

Sheylara: But you’re holding on to it, right??

Eric: Who says I am?

Sheylara at the gym