Murder in my blood

Here’s a random archive post (bearing in mind that these archived posts are from my old blog, which I have deleted, so I’m repopulating this blog with them by publishing them randomly once in a while) because I don’t have time to blog today! Time flies like the wind and fruit flies like bananas!!!

The following post first appeared on on April 26, 2004.

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I had a really weird dream last night which didn’t make sense. I know most dreams don’t make sense but this one is so f**ked-up crazy I hardly know how to describe it.

But because it’s f**ked-up crazy, I HAVE to tell it, so just try to understand it and don’t ask me any “why” or “how” questions because I don’t know the answers.

There’s this elevator and lots of people are using it to go downstairs. It’s a hot day, so I pour cold water into the elevator to cool it and the people in it.

Next thing, I’m at the bottom floor and the elevator door opens to reveal a glass tank the size and shape of the elevator.

The glass tank is filled to the brim with water and there are dead people inside.

Drowned by the water I poured in.

Water which was supposed to drain off but didn’t!!!

It’s a horrible, horrible dream.

It happened twice, which means that I drowned two elevator loads of people.

I hate when I have weird, creepy dreams. Like that time I dreamt of a boyfriend trying to kill me so I had to kill him back but he didn’t die even after I chopped his head off.

Anyway, this elevator dream reminds me of an incident which happened when I was about seven years old, staying at a farm during my school holidays.

One day, I saw a chicken egg in the process of hatching. There was a hole in the egg with a beak poking through it, pecking at the egg shell in short, chicky spurts.

After watching in fascination for a while, I decided to help because I thought the chick was going to take forever to come out. So I prodded the egg gently with my foot, trying to crack it more.

What happened was I crushed the egg and killed the chick.

I was so horrified and ashamed that I ran away from the scene and never told anyone, ever. Until now, that is.

The dream I had last night gave me the same feeling.

Help turned to harm.

These sorts of things must happen a lot in the world, musn’t it? People, in trying to be helpful, cause harm instead.

Have you ever been in a situation when you felt like you were more a hindrance than help?

I think the world is just screwed up. You can’t do good anymore because you don’t know if the “good” you’re doing is going to create a ripple and make something bad happen.

But there’s no point getting all hot and bothered about it, is there? One doesn’t have a choice in being born, but one does have a choice in what to do about it.

It’s like falling into a well. You can do one of three things:

  1. Drown yourself and be done with it.
  2. Stay there and try to live for as long as you can by drinking the water in the well.
  3. Try to climb up or get help. If you get someone to help you, you might cause them to fall into the well and suffer the same horrible fate as you, but that’s life. Or you might succeed in climbing up all by yourself. But then, so what?

I get really annoyed with life sometimes, but what can I do?

Anyways, I have a piece of semi good news so it’s not all doldrums.

You know the audition in which I acted as a seed? I got a callback! That means I’ve been shortlisted to attend a second audition, which means I’m closer to getting the job.

I’m happy because getting a callback means I’m not a total failure. But I’m stressed because callbacks are EVIL.

When you get a callback, success is so near you can taste it. There are usually two or three people fighting for the same role in a callback, so your chances are 1 in 2 or 1 in 3. And if you don’t get it, it’s twice the pain because you go to the audition thinking that there’s no reason why you shouldn’t get the job.

All I want to know is… If a god exists, why is he so sadistic?

(That was a rhetorical question.)