The Goonfather tells me that kunoichi (female ninja) always have hair dangling down the sides of their faces. So, for yesterday’s ninja patrol, I let down one side of my hair.

I know the hair clip is a little unglam but my hair refuses to stay up otherwise.

Then again, who says hair clips are unglam? Kuchiki Byakuya from Bleach has like 10,000 clips on his head.

I used to hate Byakuya because I thought he looked faggoty plus he was so evil. But he started getting cooler and cooler in the later episodes and his Bankai is so super cool, so now I love him. But that’s beside the point, so let’s get back to topic.

We started our patrol at Rivervale Mall at 12 pm.

Rivervale Mall is a ghost town, even at 12 pm, so we headed straight for the food court. In Singapore, you can always find people in a food court during lunch hour, even in the most godforsaken corners of the country.

Our instructions were: “Don’t give the flyers to children below 18 (Ninja Gaiden II is rated M18) and old aunties.”

That left us practically no one to give our flyers to, because RM seems to only stock that species of humans.

So we descended upon the small smattering of harmless old uncles, making them spurt their coffee out in shock at being confronted by dubious-looking aliens from mysterious planets.

That was mildly fun.

We left the building half an hour before time because we ran out of people to shock.

We figured that Temasek Polytechnic would have more likely victims for us to terrorise.

We were quite right.

The bridge alone yielded an unlimited number of victims.

I tried to emulate Ryu Hayabusa’s meditative posture, but I think I just succeeded in looking silly.

Which inspired everyone to get silly. We spent 10 minutes fooling around, allowing lucky victims to pass us by unmolested.

With our sacred mission successfully completed, it was time for us to leave the place.

Because cost-cutting is a fashionable activity these days, the ninja management decreed that we had to take public transport like regular peons, so we trooped down to the TP bus stop to wait for a bus.

Except that we were so untrained in the skill of taking public transport that we tried to flag a bus from the wrong direction.

But we still managed to arrived unscathed at Tampines Mall, our final stop for the day.

I was so tired by that time, but I remained professional and continued to display my glazed kunoichi stare.

We also entertained a stunned crowd with our leet ninja skillz.

Everyone broke into applause because they were so impressed by our death-defying stunts.

We must have sold a zillion copies of Ninja Gaiden II for the Xbox 360 on this day.

Have you pre-ordered your copy yet?