Genius level sleep talker

Last night, I was reading and surfing on my iPad way past bedtime (one of my many evil vices) while Piers was sleeping.

An hour later, I turned to my side to swap my iPad for my Kindle. The movement caused Piers to wake up.

He started talking.

“What’s this that we’re on?” he said.


What's this that we're on?


Now, his speech was in a very normal conversational tone, as if he were having a cup of tea with a colleague at work, catching up on the news.

I froze and waited to determine if he was awake or sleep talking. It’s very difficult to tell sometimes because his sleep talking speech is usually as crisp and energetic as his normal waking speech. But then I guess that’s kinda a clue in itself.

Then, he tossed around a bit and said, “Huh?” in such a very cute, lost-puppy voice that I couldn’t resist answering him.

“What?” I said softly and gently, in case he really was sleeping.

He answered, “What are we on?”

Okay, definitely sleep talking. But his insistence warranted an answer even though it was a bizarre question.

I said, “We’re sleeping.”

He wasn’t satisfied.

“Yes, but what are we sleeping on?” he wanted to know.

Oh, right.

“We’re on a bed,” I told him.

“Huh?” he countered, “I don’t get it.”

I had to stifle a giggle at this point.

“What don’t you get?” I said.


Then, about five seconds later, gentle snoring.

A bit disappointing, the conversation ending like that, a cliffhanger that will never be resolved. But such is the yoke of sleep-talker spouses.


What are we sleeping on?


Piers doesn’t sleep talk or sleep converse a lot. Maybe about six times a year. I usually just try to memorise what he says so I can tell it to him the next day. Doesn’t always work, though, my memory. I’ve by now forgotten all the utterings and conversations of the past.

Anyway, I decided to type out last night’s conversation on my iPad immediately because past experience has proven that I have a non-existent memory, at best.

I just wish I had done this all the other times he’s talked, but it usually happens in the middle of the night and I can never be bothered. (It’s not worth using voice-activated recording because you’d get two months’ worth of snores before you get a gem of a conversation.)

But I think I shall be less lazy about it from now on because, before writing this post, I googled sleep talking and found this blog.


Sleep Talkin' Man


This couple are making shit loads of money out of the husband’s sleep talks!

Okay, sure, this bloke is a genius level sleep talker (go read his stuff, it’s hilarious) and he pops them out nearly every night so very effortlessly.

Piers is definitely a junior level amateur in the lucrative business of sleep talking, but I think he has great potential because not many sleep talkers will have a conversation with you while at it, so he’s going to need some training.

The FAQ in Sleep Talkin’ Man mentions how the couple believe all the sleep talking is due to the husband dealing with all of life’s challenges in his sleep. That’s a plausible explanation because scientists say that dreams help us process information and learn and solve problems. So why not sleep talking?

I figure that if Piers’ life becomes more challenging, he’s going to sleep talk more, and then I can make shit loads of money out of him.

So, no time to waste!

Challenge number one: Darling, I just used your credit card in and!


Shopping spree!


Now, go do lots of quality sleep talking so we can pay this off!