Presenting… MeTube!

I just uploaded a YouTube video for the first time in my life. Not that YouTube has been around long enough for that to be a remarkable statement, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, it’s a video clip I’m not extremely proud of, so when I had to fill in the field called “Tags”, I only typed “Qiaoyun” because I don’t want the clip to be searchable and watched by strangers. I’m assuming that nobody would ever do a search for “Qiaoyun” in YouTube because it’s a weird sort of word to begin with.

So. This is a one-minute video of me giving a meaningless self-intro.

You see, I had to e-mail a production house a showreel so I can be shortlisted to go for an audition. But I don’t have a showreel because I’ve been having trouble editing my mpeg2 files (direct recordings of my TV shows) and rendering them into a compressed and viewable form.

To cut the boring technical story short, I had to quickly record an emergency video of myself using my digital camera. The casting lady said I could just shoot a quick-and-dirty self-intro because they just want to see my “video presence”.

So here’s my quick-and-dirty.

If you’re planning to offer up some constructive criticism, please bear in mind that this video isn’t meant to be the least bit entertaining. It’s meant to show how I look on video.

If you’re watching only so you can laugh at me, well, okay, that’s allowed. I do that to other people all the time so I suppose I deserve some retribution.

Have I mentioned how I hate doing self-intros? Yes, I have.

I think I’d drop dead and die if I ever got to watch all the millions of self-intros I’ve done in my life, at production houses and studios. Okay, few hundred is a more accurate number, but the point is that I’ve been doing self-intros all my life and I have yet to reach a point where I feel comfortable giving one.

I just don’t like talking about myself, you know. I mean, verbally. I don’t mind writing about myself, you realise.

Anyway, self-intros suck. Unfortunately, they’re a necessary occupational hazard.

They’re a hazard to me because, like I said, I’d drop dead and die if I ever have to watch any one of them.

Vincent told me he’s watched one of my audition tapes. I think I should kill him for that. You think?

Why auditions are evil

Thank you all for your well wishes and encouragement.

It’s always good to know that I don’t have any enemies who laugh at my misfortunes. Or maybe I do, just that they’re not vocal enough to notify me of their hatred towards me.

Well, contrary to popular opinion, actually, I’m not really depressed. I’m mostly just feeling numb. Abstract ideas floating around in my head, here then gone, intermittently distracting me from reality.

But not distracting enough to stop me from enjoying a chocolate bar.

I am getting a sugar-overdose fix now. Can of Pepsi Twist and bar of Cadbury Twirl.

Life is good when you’re caught up in a moment of pure hedonism.

I need more chocolate, though.

Just got home from two auditions and going through denial (again).

Noooooo….! I didn’t do that at the audition. That wasn’t me. OMG Noooooo… delete DELETE!!!

Have I ever mentioned that auditions are evil?

I bet I have.

Some auditions are fun. I like the acting part, the part where we have to act out a scene. What I hate are the profile shoots and the self-intros.

Profile shoot:

Look into the camera. Smile. Good. Now, turn right. Okay. And now left. Good. Turn back to the camera and give a big smile. That’s it. Great!

This makes me feel like a criminal or a camera-shy geek. I do not feel glamorous or sexy or pretty or charming or anything positive during this exercise.


Hi! My name is Qiaoyun and I’m an actress. You may have seen me on TV recently… blah blah.

Now, I really, really, REALLY hate this. If I’m not wrong, the purpose of self-intros (talking into the camera) is to show the client how well-spoken you are and how you carry yourself and, probably, how natural and photogenic you are on screen.

Still. I hate it.

I feel stupid talking about myself. Who really wants to hear me talk about my life, my experience, my hobbies, my skills or whatever else there is to talk about?

If I can’t sell tickets to a performance entitled “Shen Qiaoyun — The Self-Intro”, then I can safely assume that the client is not going to be entertained by my little speech. That makes me feel apologetic when I’m doing the self-intro, which in turn totally dissolves any charisma I might have.

I would be a very very happy person if I never have to do mug shots and self intros again, and still get acting/modelling job offers. I think only superstars enjoy that privilege. Superstars are exempt from such indignities.

So I guess I’ll have to work on becoming a superstar.

I need help.

Two posts are now open for application.

1. Big shot who can make me a superstar (1 vacancy)
2. Adoring fan (limitless vacancies)

Please apply here. Kthxbye.