There is a certain stuckness in me.
I keep saying I will blog. Then I sit at my computer and start playing Cafe World. I play some songs on YouTube. I plurk a bit.
Every few minutes, I will feel a sensation at the edge of my mind. I try to ignore it, shut it out, but it occasionally breaks through the barrier and screams, “BLOG!”
For minutes. Maybe hours. Time becomes meaningless, anyway.
Then I blink and go back to Cafe World, Youtube, Plurk.
It seems my mind refuses to process anything real.
Because real is painful.
There are many little delights in life, sure. Like butter on hot toast. Or a baby’s smile. Whatever you’re into. But there are even more horrors and they crowd out the little delights. The horrors are the ones that shamelessly demand attention and, in trying to combat them, you become dysfunctional for a time.
Sometimes, for a long time.
I wish I could say what bothers me, but I can’t find a starting point.
The horrors are the things in life that cause you pain, make you sad, render you defenceless.
When you allow one horror to surface in your mind, it opens a portal through which all the other million horrors pour through unrelentingly. They kind of crowd your brain out so you see nothing but blackness. It is so overwhelming that you can’t even begin to describe what’s happening in your mind.
You can only freeze and wait.
After some time, the horrors get bored and they go home. But not all of them. Some of them are overstayers. They chip at your little delights all day (as if you had any left in the first place) and make diabolical noises, just to piss you off a bit (as if you needed any more pissing off).
But these are the inconsequential horrors, minor annoyances you have to learn to put up with. The big ones have gone home temporarily but you know they’ll come back again for a visit with no warning. And soon.
All your life, you’re fighting to banish the little ones and seal the portal against the big ones. You know that nothing short of an apocalypse can ever destroy them for good. But there is nothing else you can do in the meantime. Only fight.
It’s when you’re fighting that you develop a certain stuckness. Perhaps a blankness. Because you can’t really multi-task that good and you have to channel all your energies into fighting or blocking out. In either case, you become dysfunctional.