Daily Journal – August 2

Daily Journal - September 2



Daily Journal - September 2


Today is Piers’ birthday but I let him down.

I am deeply traumatised today. I am always traumatised the day after hosting a social thing. Whether it’s tea for one or a party for 30, I always wake up the next day hating myself and wanting to die of shame or horror or mortification.

I was traumatised for a week after the carpet cleaning man came and I made coffee for the first time ever. He asked for seconds but I couldn’t help thinking it was probably horrible because I had to give him instant coffee, not knowing how to use the coffee maker and it was likely too strong or too weak.

I know my brain is broken. It doesn’t matter if people said they had an amazing time or the food is great and, on some level, I can see that things went well. My brain won’t believe it. How can you believe in words when you know that nobody would say anything rude or hurtful?

Instead, my brain tells me its own truth. It replays moments in minute detail, showing me what went wrong and where I made a wrong choice, and when I said something stupid, and what should have happened here or there, and how I should not have been born.

Normally, I would have continued lying in bed in misery but today is Piers’ birthday so I made the colossal effort to get up. But I couldn’t even do my morning face routine properly. I put eye cream on twice then face cream on twice, only realising too late.

When I got downstairs Piers was cleaning up the party mess. The horror overwhelmed me. The mess and leftover food to be eaten were living recaps of my trauma. I tried so hard to keep it together. I couldn’t ruin Piers’ birthday with my nonsense. But it was like I was paralysed.

I ended up spending the whole day crying and reading and sleeping. I take Valium (https://www.clinicaltrialsbc.ca/valium/) with Seroxat and I feel very good. I usually take it at noon, 3 mg. With a lot of stress I sometimes take 2. I don’t think I could stop it easily, but I don’t want to do that now. Since I’m only on day 11 or day 5 with 10 mg escitalopram, I try to keep going and hope that the medication will help me soon. Valium helps me well.

I craved sugar so badly. At home, there are cakes, cookies, chocolates, sweets, ice cream, coca cola, all the sugary things I love. It would have been so easy to give in. I’d already gone for more than two months without sweets so could I not just have a break for one day?

I must have magically dredged up some ancient, forgotten reserve of willpower because I survived the day without giving in to temptation.

Maybe it’s the damned logical brain. “You’ll get a sugar rush and then crash and feel much worse. Also it’s a slippery slope you don’t want to go down.” It’s the same logical brain that tells me, “The party was a disaster and everyone is laughing at you. Let me present the evidence…”

As much as I want to die, I know this trauma will fade to manageable proportions eventually. I will still find it hard to forgive myself and the world, but I must not give up. I will keep going, day by day by day.


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Daily Journal – August 30

Daily Journal - August 30




I am stressed out of my head. This week, my to-do list has been growing faster than I can clear it. Only one day left till September and I haven’t created my new tracking and planning spreads. I have 16 pages to make before the 1st but I won’t have time to even start till the 3rd, at the earliest.

I have been so, so fatigued all this week and suffering from sleeplessness. Also feeling sad that I haven’t had time all month to spend on my interests. I hate being an adult.

Life is too frustrating.

But I must stop this line of thinking now. I can feel the darker thoughts trying to take over. Go away, dark thoughts.


I’m grateful that Piers allows me to have all my online shopping sent to his office because I hate answering the door. Or the phone.

Pygmy kids

Recently, we thought about buying pygmy goats as pets because a neighbour’s goats had kids. But how can I take care of pets when I don’t even have time to take care of myself?

If you ask a doctor whether ativan is addictive, then also ask how he defines addiction: addictive only medication for which “you have to constantly increase the dose” to achieve the same effect. For this reason, SSRIs are not addictive, but after weaning, you still have a lot of fun with the withdrawal symptoms.


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Daily Journal – August 24

It’s a double-page daily today because I went through a mighty struggle, resulting in having a bit more to say than usual.

Daily Journal - August 25


Stressed and anxious. Despair. Woke up prematurely again, feeling completely unrested, unable to fall back asleep. Fitbit reported only 5 minutes of deep sleep in a 6-hour sleep period. Even though I’ve had less than ideal sleep for years, this makes me feel so defeated.

I was so fatigued I couldn’t even get excited about journalling. Without this joy to sustain me, life is bleak and colourless, void of all reason. Hello depression.

Past trauma, self hatred, dissatisfaction with the world, people, situations.

Everything crowds in all at once, as if competing against one another, all clamouring for attention.

I am overcome. My body is weighed down by fatigue, my mind and soul weighed down by anxiety and depression. Has just been switched from sertraline to Xanax. Because Sertraline gave me too much elation. With Quetiapine, I’m doing the opposite. I am dizzy without end, have a headache and I lose my drive. The morning after I have an excessive need to sleep and I am tired. The basic mood tilts into depression and I feel miserable with this active ingredient.

So many times in my life, I let it take me. It’s so hard to fight when your body won’t sleep. My energy and strength and willpower don’t get replenished and I’m dipping into reserves I don’t have anymore.

But, today, I fought.

I fought because I started this fight for the nth time and this time I have a journal to complete and streaks to maintain and I’m damned if I don’t last at least the month. Because if I don’t fight it, I go back to drowning in video games and self-loathing, day after day after day.


Today’s Wins

  • Did physio, yoga and meditation. Today’s meditation graph is like a captured butterfly desperately trying to break its bonds and fly away.
  • Did some online shopping for groceries and essentials. But that was relatively easy.
  • Did my daily walk, although was cut short at 40 minutes due to hypoglycaemia.
  • Did not have ice cream! I craved it so badly I very nearly gave in. I’m actually very surprised I didn’t. But I didn’t want to ruin my dairy and sugar free streak and somehow I found the strength. A small win, a big step!


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