GGF#74: Best “spam” e-mail ever

Gamer Girl Friday

I haven’t been gaming the past couple of weeks due to work and some upheaval in my life, which I will talk about in a separate post soon.

So, I just want to share this e-mail I received today from an online game site which I used to play at but haven’t for a long time.

It’s the best advertising “spam” I’ve received. Kudos to the guy who wrote this.


Subject: Are you there, Sheylara? It’s me, Kingdom of Loathing.

Dear Sheylara,

Okay, I’m not good at this kind of thing, but I feel like I have to give it a try. So, here goes:

I was hanging out the other night, listening to some old mp3s, and I was just overcome with memories of when we used to hang out all the time. Remember? You were an intrepid, fearless adventurer, and I was the free-to-play, fun-and-funny online role-playing game that won your heart. Do you still remember those good times? I can’t stop thinking about them.

I mean, I know things got kind of messed up at the end, and believe me, I’m sorry. If I could take any of that back, I totally would. And I know people grow and change, and you’re not the same person you were then, but hey — I’ve changed, too! I thought and thought about how to win you back. I figured I’d make you a mix CD, but I couldn’t decide what “our song” was. So I just concentrated on becoming a better game for you, and here’s what I came up with:

Remember how much fun you used to have with your clan? Alternately, remember how you never joined a clan because you didn’t see the point? Either way, clans now have clan dungeons, group zones where your whole clan can work together. Crawl through sewers to Hobopolis, a vast underground vagrant vacation vista! Slide into the slime tube, and stir-fry sassy slimes!

I know I wasn’t the prettiest game when we were together, so I had some work done. Almost every interface got an interface-lift. You can even manage most of your inventory via chat commands! I also came up with a way for you to automate some of the things you don’t love about the game, so you can spend more time with the parts you do love.

Not only that, but there are way more animated .gifs than there were before. Don’t worry; I haven’t lost that low-fi edginess you love, but I’m a lot easier to play with now.

You can also have a custom title now, just in case you didn’t feel like I appreciated what made you unique as an individual.

I should also say
Haiku Dungeon’s been revamped.
See what I did there?

Maybe you quit because you got sick of always adventuring above the water. I admit that seems unlikely, but I fixed that, too — there are a bunch of underwater zones with new food, equipment, mechanics, and challenges.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, trust me. I’m still the silly, clever, deceptively-complex game you fell in love with, only with about 95% more awesome.

So, I’m just sayin’, if you can find it in your heart to give me another chance, I won’t disappoint you.

If you don’t drop by, I promise I won’t bother you again. I just really felt like we deserved one more try.


The Kingdom of Loathing.

I hate Facebook’s Super Wall and FunWall

If you’re not a Facebook user, God bless your merry little soul (pretending that God exists) and please be off on your merry way before you get sucked into the muddy whirpool of senselessness.

Because, today, I am on a crusade to knock some sense into Facebook users who have Super Wall or FunWall or both (duh, people!) installed in their Facebook accounts.

Because — brace yourself now for the revelation of the century — neither of the walls are even remotely super or fun.

Oooooh… noooo! You don’t say!

Honestly, they’re horrendous misuses of Internet real estate. I cannot understand why people don’t see it.

There is nothing super or fun about:

  1. Junk mail, chain letters and forwarded rubbish.
  2. Having multiple copies of the same rubbish on your profile.
  3. Allowing people to advertise their services for free on your profile.

Do you see it?

Ok, see this.

Here’s a screenshot of a random Super Wall on a random person’s Facebook profile.



Do you see now how asinine it is?

Why should anyone give a shit about the travels of Mortimer the travelling bear? Let him buy his own damn plane tickets, man. And I don’t see him “dissapearding” as promised because I’m seeing him on every single Super Wall (and even FunWall).

I’m even seeing multiple copies of him on each wall. Come on, people, don’t you see? He’s not a travelling bear. He’s a photocopying bear!

Okay, now, let’s check out a random FunWall.



What is the matter with people?

Don’t you ever get annoyed having to scroll down endlessly just to try to see at least something that’s of interest?? Why would you want such junk on your Facebook profile? I really don’t get it.

who has a crush on u?…

man this is creepy its called mind reader. send this to every1 on ur list and then press F8 and ur crushes name will appear on ur screen**


I dearly want to examine the minds of people who read this and think, “Oh, wow! I’m gonna try this now!”

“Hey! It doesn’t work! How fun! I think my friends will love it! I’m going to forward this to everyone because I had so much fun trying it out and seeing it not working!”

Strangle me with a wet rag.

People who install either or both walls, why? How does it enrich your life to have repeated copies of spam on your Facebook profile? How does it enrich the life of friends who are visiting your Facebook profile?

I mean, what benefit does it give?

Does it impress the girls (or the boys) who are viewing your profile? No.

Does it make you more intelligent? No.

Does it save a starving child in Ethiopia? No.

Does it make your Facebook profile look like a landmine about to go off? Yes.

People who forward forwards to other people’s walls, why? Do you think your friend reads/watches them? Will your friend love you for sending them? Do you even realise that the “friend” you’re sending this chain letter to already has three of the exact same chain letter on his wall?

People who create those damned rubbish forwards, especially chain letters, WHY? Chain letters are so last millennium. You’re not going to get a Nobel prize for it and it’s not going to make people worship you and kiss your feet because they passed on your stupid chain letter to 50 people in their address book and, as a result, miraculously solved all their life problems and won a date with Angelina Jolie.


The applications are not bad, per se. But people misusing them is bad.

I installed both when I first signed up with Facebook because I thought it was pretty cool being able to draw pictures and post videos on someone else’s profile. One could get really creative and have some fun with it.

But I believe in doing things in a sincere and personal way. If not, there is no point in doing anything, is there? Why waste time doing things just for the sake of doing things? So I drew pictures myself and typed nice, personal messages to brighten a friend’s day.

But I never got anything like that on my walls in return. All I got were impersonal forwards from people who received forwards themselves and decided to send it on to everyone else on their friends list.

I deleted both walls because it wasn’t adding discernable value to my Facebook profile.

I know I can stop visiting people’s profiles or even stop visiting Facebook altogether if the walls bother me all that much.

But that isn’t quite the point. The point is that it irks me that people are perpetuating a useless custom and contributing more rubbish to an already rubbish society of thoughtless, mindless puppets.

So, people, please. Grow a brain and think.