Suddenly, my life has no more purpose

I woke up this morning feeling a sickening emptiness inside me.

Out of habit, I bounced out of bed to wash up so I could quickly have some breakfast to replenish liver glycogen.

But, as I was brushing my teeth, I found myself asking, “Why?”

I completed my California Fitness BodyAge Challenge yesterday, so there is no more reason to be obsessive over my diet anymore.


I mean, I still recognise that a good diet is important for general well-being but, in the last two months, there was a purpose to my rigorous dieting.

I pushed myself way beyond comfort zone and was able to keep myself going with the promise of acing the challenge. (I am very inwardly competitive and derive great satisfaction from surpassing my limits.)

For the last two months, with the help of Dr Evil (my personal trainer Eric Goh), I made drastic changes to my diet and lifestyle.

  • I woke up mornings and ate breakfast.
  • I totally gave up desserts and junk food.
  • I went grocery shopping three to four times a week to ensure I was eating enough every day.
  • I started cooking my own meals.
  • I read endless nutrition articles every other day to perfect my diet.
  • I worked out at the gym twice a week and went running once a week.
  • I went to great lengths to make sure I ate the right things at the right time to maximise my workout gains.

I was even stricter on myself than Dr Evil was on me, diet-wise.

In contrast, two months ago, my lifestyle went roughly like this:

Wake up after 12 pm. First meal of the day is potato chips or salty crackers. Sometimes, first meal of the day happens after 7 pm. 80% of diet consists of fried food, junk food, soft drinks. Zero exercise.

The important thing to consider is that, even with such appalling lifestyle and diet, I was still slim and looked pretty much okay, outwardly, so there was no reason to do anything different.

My diabetic foot and obesity almost closed me home. I can`t leave the house without someone`s help. Thank God I can order the drugs I need from They also give free consultations on drug use and have a medical specialist who can write out a prescription online. Thanks to this online pharmacy I can get the needed treatment on schedule.

But, with the California Fitness BodyAge Challenge, which measured my insides, I had to make changes to get results.

And I did make the changes and stuck to them rigidly.


I was even obsessive over it, but that’s how I tackle challenges and projects. I go all out and put my whole body and soul into it.

Maybe that’s my drug.

I feel a heightened sense of fulfillment from successfuly completing objectives over and beyond expectations.

There was purpose to my waking early every day. There was purpose to my eating lots of plain hard-boiled eggs and throwing all the yolks away. There was purpose to enduring the twice-weekly gym trips to torture my muscles. There was purpose to waking up at 6 am to run.

I even looked forward to every day with excitement.


The purpose was to get a good result for the BodyAge Challenge and also, very importantly, to not fail Dr Evil, who had dedicated his time and energy in helping me achieve my goals.

And, suddenly, now, it’s all over.

I won’t tell you my results yet because the challenge is not officially over. The other participants have yet to complete their sessions.

But it’s over for me and I feel very lost and empty.

I had a feast last night to celebrate. We had a buffet dinner at Curry Favor and I went crazy with the curries and rice and fried stuff. Even plain white rice has become a luxury for me because I haven’t been able to eat carbs after 6 pm for two months.

After that, we had the most amazing alcoholic ice cream at Udders (separate post on that to come).

Ice Cream

It was nice but, even then, the emptiness was already starting to build up within me.

There was a fear that I would wake up the next day feeling lost.

The fear was founded. I woke up today filled with dread.

After going “clean” for two months, I suddenly feel reluctant to stuff my body with salt and fats and other evil things. I feel at the same time repulsed and attracted to them.

I feel directionless. To eat or not to eat? I have the freedom to eat anything I want now and I find myself plagued with conflicting thoughts, instead.


And, in fact, thinking about eating all the favourite foods I’ve been deprived of makes me feel even worse because I’d be undoing everything I’ve worked so hard for.

I realise I can still carry on with my “healthy lifestyle” and continue a clean diet (but being a lot less obsessive over it), and I will still continue an exercise routine.

But it’s not the same anymore.

There is no D-Day to look forward to. There is no prize at the finishing line. There is no Dr Evil to answer to. There is only the promise of a fitter, healthier, sexier me in the long run, but that’s not really something tangible or exciting to look forward to, so it can’t invoke the same kind of discipline.

Especially since I am already slim by nature without having to diet for it. I can eat Big Macs and fries every day and still look the same.


What I’m feeling now is akin to withdrawal. I was on a high of pursuing a goal intensely and now I’m crashing.

For two months, I was literally intoxicated on the excitement of reaching a goal. Now, the goal is gone, the adrenaline is gone, and I am on a total, devastating down.

I know what I’m feeling is temporary and I’ll get over it as I find new challenges and goals for myself. I get this all the time, with post-production blues.

But, in the meantime, I’m a sad little lost ghost and it’s not a good feeling.

Sheylara at the gym

The Goonfather vs Morte

My friends are killing me with their nonsense.

Since we just started our cycling/inline skating craze recently, a few people are still deciding whether to be cyclists or skaters. Minds keep changing, especially as our group gets bigger as more friends join in.

Current standing:


Right now, there’s this stupid competition going on between both factions to gain the most members, with some members resorting to tempting opposing members to switch camps.

Two nights ago, Morte linked us a whole bunch of inline skating videos. He even had specific videos for each of us.

For example:

“Minou!! Get these gear and learn! You will be like her!”

By the way, I’m totally in love with this cute little skater!

Morte even roped in a colleague who used to be a skating instructor, who’s promising us free lessons. All the better to entice the cyclists/undecided over!

Morte, by the way, is still trying to get comfortable with his skates. He can skate smoothly but he can’t go too fast, so he’s always lagging behind.

Group photo

Yesterday, the Goonfather MSN’ed me to complain.

“Alf is like poisoning my cyclists to go to his side leh.”

(Morte’s real name is Alfred.)

The Goonfather continued, “I must find a way to retain my cyclists. So, I drew a picture to remind my cyclists the outcome of skating, unless you’re damn fit.”

(During our sessions, the cyclists will usually go slow enough for the skaters to keep up. And the skaters, except Morte, go fast enough for the cyclists to be pretty comfortable.)

Here’s what the Goonfather drew:

The Goonfather's picture

I hope you can decipher it. It took me a while because I was wondering why he made the skaters look like tortoises.

It turned out he just sucks at drawing. The point was just to taunt Morte.

Unker Kell also added fuel to the fire: “I think if I run and he skate, I’ll still reach Changi before him.”


Score one for the Goonfather’s faction, I guess.

Well, there’s a reason why our group is called Club Morte.

(But Skate Faction still wins by number!)

Everyone wants to be “healthy”

It’s amazing how easy it is to get people all excited about healthy lifestyle activities. And I mean people who do not already have a healthy lifestyle.

I’m using the term “healthy lifestyle” rather loosely here. I mean engaging in activities that involve physical exertion, such as cycling and inline skating.

Last night, a total of 12 people turned up at our quite last-minute outing at East Coast Park. Six cyclists and six skaters.

East Coast Park

All of us haven’t skated/cycled in years. Some over ten years. Most also haven’t exercised in years.

And, it’s like:

“Hey, let’s go skating/cyclling at ECP tomorrow night!”


No questions asked, no hesitation.

I get the feeling that most people want to partake in healthy activities but they won’t do it until someone pulls them off their bums to do it.

I have been taking this drug for 2 years but it has not been better. I am now taking less mg. In the beginning, I had 5000 mg 3 times a day. And I’m already feeling a lot better. I recommend this stuff, Valtrex is OK. I think after three tablets that it could come from the Zelitrex. Don’t trust me to take it anymore.

Minou is a cyclist but she has suddenly gotten interested in skates.

East Coast Park

Before our session, we stopped by at the skate shop for her to try on skates.

Feeling wobbly and nervous, she used Unker Kell as a support pillar. It was quite funny because Unker Kell was protesting all the way.

East Coast Park

East Coast Park

East Coast Park

Typical inane Club Morte conversation.

Minou didn’t get skates in the end because the one she liked didn’t come in her size and the one that fit perfectly she didn’t like.

Wang Wang, who had originally planned to buy a bike to join the bikers’ faction, suddenly decided that she wanted to skate, too.

Joining us later in the night, the first thing she did was drag everyone to the skate shop.

Again, for some reason, Unker Kell became the support pillar.

East Coast Park

I think he just has a talent for being at the right place at the right time. Haw haw haw.

Unfortunately, Wang Wang also couldn’t find a comfortable size in a design she liked, so she rented an overnight pair.

We did about 10 km in total, going from Lagoon Food Centre to Tanah Merah, then back again. With many rest stops in between.

I needed “toe stops” (a phrase coined by Unker Kell) cos I’m still seasoning my new skates and my toes would lose blood circulation and get numb every 15 minutes or so.

East Coast Park

I’m afraid my toes would die and fall off my feet, so I remove my skates every so often to let them “breathe” before resuming torturing them.

Wang Wang needed “crying stops” cos she had totally lost her skating mojo and kept falling on her bum.

Crying on… guess whose shoulders?

East Coast Park


At one point, we contemplated journeying to Changi but it was already 11 pm and everyone was hungry, especially Kerrendor, whose last meal was 12 hours ago, crazy bugger. (That’s him sitting on the floor in the photo above.)

So we hightailed it back to Lagoon Food Centre, where everyone feasted on BBQ chicken wings, oyster omelete, BBQ stingray, satay and fishball meepok.

I had to eat fish slice soup because my restricted diet is still on. Sad.

But the fish slice soup turned out to be very tasty because it was flavoured with Chinese wine, milk and salted vegetables and served in a claypot. And the fish was super fresh and tender. It made me feel like I was cheating, lol.

East Coast Park

Someone said during our meal, “We’re wasting our workout on all this food!”

And someone retorted, “But the reason to exercise is so we can enjoy this food.”

I couldn’t agree more!