I was going to make a Metal Gear Solid 4 video for this week’s Gamer Girl Friday but we weren’t able to acquire a copy in time.

So, this week, I’ve got some other nonsense for you.

Everything in this issue is weird, strange, funny, crazy, confused because I’ve had a busy dizzy week and am in that sort of mood.

I’m sure you’ll enjoy it, though.

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Table of Contents

1. The Goonfather tries to buy Metal Gear Solid 4
2. Female gamers are a myth
3. Meet the weirdo guild
4. Annoyed and addicted
5. Adventures of Sheylara the Barbarian Part IV
6. Someone won a 1GB thumbdrive!
7. Ask Sheylara
8. Win exclusive movie tickets and a PlayStation 3!

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The Goonfather tries to buy MGS4

Metal Gear Solid 4 released worldwide yesterday, so the Goonfather rang up his favourite games shop to check if the stock had arrived.

“Hello,” he said, “Do you have Metal Gear Solid 4 yet?”

The lady who picked up the phone spoke in Chinese, which I shall translate into English for your convenience.

“Mitaka Gekono So?” she said. “Yes, we have it.”

“WTF is that,” thought the Goonfather to himself.

He tried again.

“The PS3 game, MGS4? You have it?”

“Ohhh,” she said. “Yes, we have GTA4.”

“WTF????” thought the Goonfather to himself again.

He tried once more.

“No. I mean MGS4. Me… tal… Ge… ar… So… lid… 4.”

“Huh?” she said. “There’s no such thing.”

Before he felt forced to say WTF for real, he thanked the lady and hung up.

No MGS4 for us on launch day.

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Female gamers are a myth

It seems that a huge majority of the male population still haven’t realised that girls are starting to take over the gaming world.

I blame it on “shemales”, a term used by Singaporean gamers to label men who play female characters in games. (I think the Americans call them trannies.)

It perpetuates the belief that all female characters are, in fact, played by men. Therefore, real female gamers do not exist.

Anyway, I’m raising this topic today because some guy posted this in the Age of Conan forum yesterday:

Yes, this guy found my blog and can’t quite believe that girl gamers exist. Within one day, this post generated 8 pages of hilarious comments debating my existence (and that of other girl gamers).

I’ve compiled some of the funny ones here:

Hilarity!

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Meet the weirdo guild

This isn’t a new thing, but I just discovered it so I’m sharing it with you.

It’s a video series about a bunch of MMORPG addicts who get into all kinds of trouble online and offline. It’s really funny and the actors are really good with impeccable comic timing!

This is the first episode:

Watch the other episodes here!

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Annoyed and addicted

This past week, I’ve sacrificed countless hours of sleep for this stupid DS game called Lost in Blue.

The latest version is Lost in Blue 3, but I’m still living in the dinosaur age and playing the first of the series.

This game is evil. Once you start, you can’t stop, no matter how much you hate it.

You play this high school kid who is stranded on an island. Together with a cute girl named Skye, you must find a way to survive and escape.

Your immediate daily goal is to keep your three meters (hunger, thirst and energy) filled.

So, basically, it’s a game of eating, drinking and sleeping.

I thought it would be really easy. The Sims has like eight bars to fill. This has only three!

NOT!

The bars go down very fast and it’s annoying as hell. And the game tempts you with poisonous mushrooms at the start so you have to choose between dying of hunger or dying of poison.

It’s very, very annoying.

The game teases you.

When I finally managed to gather the materials to make a fishing pole so I could fish and eat some real food instead of living on coconuts and poisonous mushrooms, I was ecstatic.

Then I discovered that spearing fish is hard.

You have to poke at fish swimming across the screen very fast with your stylus. It’s a tiny moving target. You have to be so precise.

You miss half the time.

The fishing pole breaks after you’ve used it like five times and all you’ve got to show for your effort is one measly fish in your basket.

It’s back to coconuts, then.

I hate this game. The whole game is full of rubbish like that. Makes you happy by letting you discover something, then annoys the hell out of you by making it so hard.

While performing your daily task of surviving, you’re exploring the island and trying to find a way to civilisation.

There are more irritating things to grumble about the game but I have no more space.

I am especially annoyed because it’s at the same time so addictive that I can’t stop playing it.

The game is coming on the Wii end of this year!

Titled Lost in Blue: Shipwrecked, it will have about the same gameplay as the annoying version I’ve been spending too much time on, on the DS.

I need to a Wii!

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Adventures of Sheylara the Barbarian Pt IV

Read Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

So, it was a dusty and humid evening and Sheylara the kind-hearted and innocent barbarian girl had been asked to fetch bricks for the grumpy smithy.

“Woe is me,” Sheylara mumbled pitifully to herself. “All I wanted was a cream soda and a place to sleep.

“And maybe a new bikini, but I would’ve done without that. Whatever.”

As she trudged wearily through overgrown foliage and muddy footpaths in search of bricks, her tired mind wandered into the past.

She saw a flash.

And then she felt a sharp pain as her mind came running back to the present.

“Ouch!” she yelled.

Her confused time-travelling mind registered two dodgy characters staring at her challengingly.

“Who’s ya daddy?!” they roared.

“What are you—”

“Villain! Evil sorceress!” interrupted one of the dodgy characters. “Taste ma blade afore ya touch ma bricks!”

“How did you know I wanted—”

Another flash and Sheylara instinctively dodged the clumsy swing of a dull stick.

“OH go to hell,” Sheylara said. “I am so sick of you people!”

She raised her arms. Blinding white light swirled around her hands and burst out in a fierce arc towards her antagonisers.

As of that moment, the two dodgy characters ceased to be dodgy characters. They were now a sorry heap on the ground.

“Cool,” said Sheylara. “I never knew I had that in me!”

Triumphantly, she ran past the sorry heap into a quarry of strangely glowing bricks.

“Bricks!” Sheylara cried. “My meal ticket!”

Loading as many as she could carry in her hands, Sheylara raced back to the sullen smithy with whatever remaining strength she had.

Just like that, without much fanfare, the tired barbarian girl was let into the shining city of Tortage.

Well, not quite shining, but it was still a real city with real people and real bikinis, nonetheless.

Happily, Sheylara ran up to the nearest bloke to ask for directions.

“Excuse me,” said Sheylara. “Could you please—”

“Ahh,” interrupted the kindly old man. “Just the person I wanted to see, my dear. Would you be a dear and fetch me a rolling pin, a meat cleaver and a roll of leather?”

“Wha—?”

“Well, I’m afraid they’re rather scattered all around. A couple of punks stole them and tossed them around, would you believe? I’m sure you can find them for me, though, wouldn’t you, please?”

“What is wrong with this world!” Sheylara exploded. “Why is everyone asking me to fetch stuff?”

Looking a little shocked, the kindly old man said, “Oh, but I do say!”

“Say what?” Sheylara challenged.

Fidgeting, the old man looked a little uncomfortable. “Say… mm… that is, wouldn’t you fetch my meat cleaver? I’m in a bit of a hurry for it, that is.”

Confounded and utterly confused, Sheylara looked up in the sky for guidance.

There, she saw, a giant celetial arrow pointing the way.

“Wha—” said she, doing a double take.

The arrow in the sky giggled quietly and whispered, “Follow me!”

Amazed, Sheylara followed the arrow. It led her to…

…a meat cleaver.

(To be continued next week…)

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Someone won a 1GB thumbdrive!

Congratulations, junkie! He wins this for simply asking a question!

Read on to the next section to see his winning question. It’s funny!

(Thanks for all your entries. They’re funny, too, of course! I will be answering them… as and when. lol.)

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Ask Sheylara

Today’s Ask Sheylara is dedicated to funny questions because I feel like funny tonight. We will resume seriousness next week. Or not.

junkie asks a funny question:

Who would win in a fight, the Goonfather or Sheylara?

Sheylara Says:

Tsk tsk… you kids should stop playing games because it makes you think of fighting all the time!

I’m joking, of course.

Me and the Goonfather fight all the time, in game and out of game. In game, we fight over how he always gets us killed because he has a subconscious death wish. Out of game, we fight over whether the room should be done in pink or black.

Neither of us ever wins because we get always distracted by games and ignore everything else.

Note, however, that fighting is very much discouraged. Thank you.

Fx asks a silly question:

Are the breasts in AoC sharp enuff to stab someone to death?

Sheylara Says:

That depends on whether one is wearing armor or not, and also depends on the shape and sharpness of the armor itself. Breasts, by themselves, however can be excellent murder weapons without the need for stabbing.

I cannot teach you the ways here but I’ll give you a hint. It has to do with men running off cliffs or running into the arms of an epic mob or running into an electrical fence… while in a state of distraction.

modchip asks an absurd question:

If there were some sort of a doomsday attack on earth, and you and the Goonfather were the only ones who survived this, and everything else obliterated exept for a classic NES, all the NES titles, a TV, and a generator with 1 hour worth of power, what 2 player NES title would you play for 1 hour?

Sheylara Says:

Why would anyone waste the last hour of power on earth on stupid NES games?? The Goonfather would fashion a modem out of the NES and contact other survivors on the other end of the earth because that’s how it always happens in the movies.

We’d arrange to travel halfway to meet and then die trying because halfway around the world is a little bit far, to be sure.

thiang asks a serious question:

How did you put the online Guitar Hero on your blog?

Sheylara Says:

(I just thought I should throw this in even though it’s funny day and this isn’t a funny question.)

The embedding code is embedded in the widget! lol. Click on Play Game, click on Grab Code, click on Copy Code to Clipboard, paste in your blog!

Thank you for your questions! Sheylara will answer more questions next week. Keep ’em coming!

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Win exclusive movie tickets and a PS3!

I’m inviting eight lucky readers to attend an exclusive event with me next Wednesday (June 18, 6pm to 9pm) at the Cathay Cineplex!

Here’s what you’ll experience at the event:

1. Unveiling of the new Sony CineAlta 4K Digital Cinema System at The Cathay Cineplex.

   

   Cathay will be the first ever digital cinema in Singapore, screening ultra-high resolution movies, and you will be the first to experience it!

2. Play PS3 on the big screen and maybe win it!

   

   You will get a chance to play a PlayStation 3 game on the big screen! One winner will even go home with a PlayStation 3! Aww, sweet!

3. Sneak preview screening of You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, starring Adam Sandler.

   

   Watch this movie on the CineAlta 4K, one day before everyone else in Singapore!

4. Meet Sheylara!

   

   Okay, fine, I’m not really a highlight. But you’ll get to meet me and ask me all your questions in person!

   Also, meet my other readers! You guys can get together and complain or gossip about me or whatever.

5. Free food and drinks!

   I’m not sure what’s being served but there will be refreshments, at least!

Alrighty. And here’s how you can win a ticket!

• Post a comment here telling us why you want to attend this event.
• Please do so only if you can and will attend the event if you win! (It’s on June 18, 6pm.)
• Closing date is Tuesday, June 17, 2008, 2pm!
• The eight most deserving entries will be picked!

I’m really excited about this event! Can’t wait for it! =)

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Well, I’m feeling stupendously dizzy now. Producing an issue of Gamer Girl Friday always does that to me.

That’s why I’m not going to ramble on anymore. The weekend is here and I’ve got even more work to do. Haha.

No rest for the wicked, yada dada doo.