The good struggle while the evil laugh

One of my wildest fantasies is being a medieval princess living in a castle so big I could get lost in it, having handmaidens dress me in beautiful flowing gowns that accentuate my full, shapely breasts and curvy hips, after which I would frolick about in the royal gardens, pretending to ignore the declarations of love and sweet wooings of my dashing, gallant, chivalrous prince from a neighbouring kingdom, occasionally favouring him with a comely giggle or two.

Another of my wildest fantasies is crawling into a hole and dying.

But it seems that wild fantasies are not made to be realised, so here I am a struggling actress and sometimes blogger, who has bills to pay and people to impress and chores to do and still very much alive.

Which is well and good. It’s just that it gets a little tiresome at times. Especially when life keeps making demands of you. People make demands of you. And you give and give and give and nobody gives you anything back in return but you have to continue smiling and playing nice. And people make empty promises, shamelessly taking advantage of your trust and your kindness and your time.

Of course, it’s not always like that. There are truly good friends and loved ones. They’re always there to warm your heart when it gets too cold, knead your neck when the going gets tough, make you laugh when you feel like crying.

But friends and loved ones can’t shelter you 24/7 and pay your bills and fulfil your dreams. So out there you have to go each day. Put on your armour and fight the fight, continue to give and give and give, knowing that you can’t win the fight because you refuse to play the shameless, dirty game that everyone else is playing.

I think good people really suffer in the world.

Well, some call them good. Others call them gullible.

Does wanting to survive in this cold, cruel world mean that you have to be cold and cruel as well? Scheme and manipulate to get what you want, and then disappear from people’s lives after you’ve milked them for all they’re worth without giving them anything in return but empty promises?

It makes me scared. I don’t want to fight. I couldn’t win a battle which rules I don’t believe in.

It makes me wish I had been born evil.