A Chinese Wedding — Hotel Havoc

Imagine having to be up at 4 am to get ready for someone else’s wedding. (Ok lah, I had to wake up earlier than the others because I’m vain and take a longer time to get ready.)

I only slept for two hours because I had work to finish (while the Goonfather, Morte and Wang Wang played Guitar Hero 3 in my room the night before).

Anyway, the wedding.

By the time we were done with the morning festivities, which included the bride pickup, tea ceremonies, lunch buffets and shuffling back and forth endlessly between three homes, I was quite bushed. I’m sure everyone was.

By then, the hotel bed was a welcome sight!

Kerrendor and Minou held their wedding banquet at Goodwood Park Hotel and they booked us rooms to crash in before the banquet.

The brothers had one room, the sisters another. But most of the sisters went home for some reason or other, so Wang Wang and I had one room all to ourselves!! Woooeeee!!

We staked our claim right away!

The room was nice and spacious.

But I didn’t get to enjoy the space for too long because, right after taking these photos, I took off my clothes and jumped into bed.

And snoozed for two hours while Wang Wang flitted about the hotel, visiting the bridal suite, the brothers’ room, and I dunno what else she was doing.

At 3:45 pm, my phone alarm woke me up. I had to get ready for the banquet rehearsal.

Groggy.

Tried to flatten the kinks in my hair, freshen up my makeup and choose a dress, all in 15 minutes.

(I was having a dress crisis and didn’t decide what to wear until three hours before the banquet. I brought two dresses and Joey brought two for me to try on.)

I finally settled on the cheapest of the lot — a $30 dress I had bought on a whim two days before. *lol*

I tried to take a photo of it off the ballroom’s wall mirror. But the stupid mirror was layered and made me look funny.

So I had a picture with Joey, instead.

I know it’s unrelated but I don’t really care.

I also took a picture when everyone had arrived and were discussing their respective duties.

I thought the picture turned out funny. Like an interrogation or something. Hahaha.

My job was to be the emcee, together with Morte. (That’s why I was having a dress crisis, because I didn’t have anything formal enough to wear for the job.)

You know, I tasked the Goonfather with taking photos of me and Morte on stage. And the whole entire night, he only took ONE LOUSY SUPER BLUR PHOTO!

I had to turn up the brightness and contrast drastically in order for the people in the photo to be recognised as human beings.

HE IS SUCH A GOON!!

Now you know why I always take my own photographs.

Anyway, after the fifth course of the banquet, Morte and I were relieved of our emcee duties. We could sit back and start on the alcohol!

Four full glasses of pure brandy, waiting for the groom. OMG.

After some thought, the guys decided that it was too evil.

So they threw in two glasses of beer to neutralise the brandy.

Wahahahaaha!

Anyway, everyone knows that the arrival of heavy duty alcohol marks the beginning of unbridled debauchery!

Morte stole one of the wedding balloons and resculptured it.

It was such a hit that the guys placed it on an ambrosial pedestal of honour.

Check out the amount of alcohol our table consumed (and spilled, if you can see the big faded red patch).

The orange soda in the wine glass is mine, by the way.

I was a paragon of virtue trapped in a decadent vice city!!

After the banquet, the vice squad trooped up to the bridal suite to revel in more debauchery.

They pretended at first. Just sat there modestly as if they were just having a merry little tea party.

Indulged in quaint methods of eye therapy.

Sipped red wine out of dainty Chinese tea cups.

An innocent bystander would not have been prepared for the aftermath.

And what an aftermath it was.

Without warning, it went from this:

To this:

And this:

Paragon of virtue traumatised:

After almost 24 hours of celebration, the wedding finally came to an end with everyone stumbling off to any available hotel room, leaving the newly-weds to clean up the mess.

What an amazing experience, even if some parts were traumatising. Gotta love my friends!

Happy ever after, Kerrendor and Minou!

A Chinese Wedding — The Funny Parts

Before you do anything else, load up this video first. You can read the rest of this blog while it loads and then come back when it’s done.

(It’s funnier if you watch it without the streaming pauses. And turn on your speakers.)

This was last weekend. We celebrated the wedding of Kerrendor and Minou (actually Justin and Jennifer but I like to use their EQ2 names).

We, the sisters, had to be at the bride’s place at 5:30am to prepare for the arrival of the groom and his brothers.

The preparation was really fun because we were making breakfast for the boys.

Yummy!

YUMMY!!

YUMMY!!!

Wang Wang does a smell test.

Heavenly!

And we’re all set!

We also prepare a surprise for the brothers.

Hmm… a hat?

The brothers arrive and are fed their breakfast.

Hahaha! What a sabo we created!

(“Sabo” is short for “sabotage” and is used as a slang to denote an action which could range from a friendly prank to downright betrayal.)

Kerrendor (the groom) was able to escape eating our breakfast because his family custom does not permit the groom to eat yucky stuff on his wedding day due to it being inauspicious.

So we made him answer ten questions about the bride. Difficult questions like what’s her favourite lipstick and what she wore on their first trip overseas together.

For each question he fails to answer correctly, one of the brothers would have to eat one item of our lovingly prepared breakfast.

The idea was to make him sabo his brothers so they would all want to kill him!

Wahahahaha! Evil!

He failed all the questions!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

After breakfast was the entrance fee haggling. The groom has to part with an obscene amount of cash before the sisters will open the door to admit the brothers.

Well, what happens after this is all in the video so I’m not going to write about it.

But the bride and groom finally met.

And we took some group photos. Here are all the brothers and sisters!

And me!

OMG this is very tiring.

I’ll have to continue this tomorrow because I already spent half the afternoon editing the video and pictures.

Watch out for A Chinese Wedding — Hotel Havoc tomorrow!

Planning evil things to do to the guys

Minou and Kerrendor are getting married.

Last night, Minou asked the girls out for dinner to talk about the wedding. We’re going to be her “sisters” at her customary wedding ritual, and our respective partners will be Kerrendor’s “brothers”.

For those unfamiliar with this Chinese custom, let me briefly describe it:

In the morning, the sisters will gather at the bride’s home to help her get ready for her big day.

The groom will come later, accompanied by his brothers, to claim the bride and bring her to his home. This is symbolic of the bride marrying into the groom’s family.

But before the groom can claim his bride, the sisters will make him do all sorts of funny, humiliating, ridiculous tasks. He also has to pay an “entrance fee” before he can enter to see the bride. The groom’s brothers help him fulfill the tasks and cough up the fee (usually an exhorbitant amount set by the sisters).

This is to symbolise that the groom is willing to go through all kinds of shit to win his bride over and to show that he will go through thick and thin with her throughout their married life.

Once the sisters are happy, they’ll let the guys into the house. The bride will make her grand entrance. As this point, the groom is supposed to go weak in the knees as he sets his gaze upon the most beautiful woman in the world (to him).

After that, there are tea ceremonies here and there but those are boring rituals so I won’t talk about it.

So, last night, we met up to discuss the deliciously evil things we would do to the guys.

Alas, Kerrendor the Sly came up with a plan to infiltrate our plans. He knew that all our partners would be free, since we were abandoning them for our girls’ night out, so he asked them out.

And the guys schemingly decided to go at the same restaurant-pub we were going to, giving the excuse that we need them to drive us there.

We agreed to it because it’s always nice to be driven around. Haha.

We had separate tables for the girls and guys, of course, but they were quite close. First, we made small talk and we ate. Then we got down to business. That was when the evil grins and the giggles started.

When the guys noticed the monkey business going on at our table, they went on alert mode and tried to eavesdrop. They pretended to be engrossed with talking about cars and computers, but they angled their bodies so that their ears could catch our conversation.

Also, one by one, they came up with excuses to visit our table, hoping to glean bits of information they can use to plan their defence.

They were so funny.

I don’t think they heard anything useful, though. And they were probably too drunk on their beers to remember anything, anyway.

But we came up with some really funny stuff and I can’t wait for the day to come!