Giving woman drivers a bad name

The following post first appeared on on September 13, 2005.

Illustrations are new.

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I had a mini adventure yesterday. I drove to Changi Airport at six in the morning.

It feels really good driving when there are hardly any other cars on the road. Especially if the last time you actually drove was so long ago that they haven’t even invented sliced bread yet.

Having no other cars on the road means you have a higher chance of staying accident-free.

I have never been a good driver.

(Which is why I never feel insulted over woman driver jokes. I do try to stick up for my gender, though, explaining that men and women have different talents. For example, men suck at wrapping birthday presents, so there.)

Birthday present

After my dad bought me my first car as a reward for passing my first driving test, the car suffered many bumps and scrapes. I suffered many traumatic moments when I thought someone was going to throw me into jail for being a horrible driver.

For instance, I have difficulty multi-tasking while driving. I can’t watch the road efficiently while I’m lost, trying to figure out whether turning left or right would get me nearer to my destination.

Earlier, I was driving for practice and scared the bejeezus out of some poor pedestrian trying to cross a zebra crossing. I forgot I had to stop and didn’t brake the car until I was near enough to smell what the pedestrian had for dinner.

Pedestrian puking

Anyway, rewind back to when I got my first car. Many minor accidents and almost-accidents later, I developed a phobia for driving. The car was sold when I had to go overseas and I didn’t drive again until now.

I decided to start again because the boyfriend needs someone to drive him home after getting drunk at pub outings.

Of course, that’s only what I allow him to believe since that’s the only way he could be convinced that letting me drive his car is worth the risk of a bumper dent or three.

So far, including the trip to Changi Airport yesterday, I have driven the car a total of four times.

Since we’re counting, I have given about eight pedestrians heart attacks and relieved the stresses of about 200 drivers by giving them a target to curse at. (Cursing someone and giving them the finger is like squeezing a stress ball, right? It allows you to express your stress in a productive, carthatic way.)

I have also bumped the front bumper twice, the back bumper twice, and also knocked someone’s front gate very lightly with my car license plate. Mind you, it was very lightly. I bet the gate hardly even felt it.


On my mini adventure yesterday, I took Elyxia with me — we were going to see Chong off at the airport. Chong was leaving Singapore for a mysterious reason and we were there to cheer him on and to encourage him to buy us cheap Nikes and Levi’s and Tag Heuers and Mont Blancs.

Ely was very much entertained as my passenger because I kept doing the unexpected, such as turning on the car wipers when I’m supposed to signal left. (It is common knowledge that audiences very much enjoy the unexpected.)

In return for my award-winning entertainment, Ely treated me to a breakfast of mee siam and iced milo at the airport.

Speaking of which, the mee siam I had at Changi Kopitiam (at T1) was really good. It was so sour it woke me up good and proper and gave me more energy to present part two of my entertainment program: Driving Elyxia Home.

Driving Elyxia Home

She really enjoyed my Oscar-winning performance of a paranoid neurotic, with my well-timed fugs and shits and am-i-supposed-to-turn-here-now-oh-fug-i-missed-its.

Timing is everything in a good performance, you know.

And, now, in order to raise funds for the Society of Innocent Pedestrians Frightened by Crazy Drivers, I’m selling tickets to my limited-edition performance.

Since I am an Oscar winner now, the price of a ticket has gone up from a mee siam and iced milo to an all-expenses paid trip to HK Disneyland.

Hurry, now, tickets are going fast!