So, there you are, thinking that life has gotten as good as it can get (by which I mean that you count your blessings and… avoid watching reality TV shows about people with perfect lifestyles, perfect bodies, and, hmm, perfect problems), so you’re coasting along, reasonably satisfied with your lot in life, looking forward to, like, an upcoming resort holiday or the next season of The Witcher.
And then life suddenly sucker punches you. And kicks you into a very deep pit. And rains a little bit, just enough to muddy up your new prison cell but not enough for you to have a nice swim. No resort holiday for you!
And that about sums it up.
Through the decades, I’ve had my fair share of ordeals. Been messed up, screwed around, damaged. But 2019 pulled an already mangled rug out from under me and left me in that pit, bruised, battered and broken.
The TLDR is that my marriage fell apart and so my whole life fell apart because of all the reasons people fall apart over failed marriages, and then some.
If you had been following my bullet journalling on Instagram during that time, you would have seen the despondent scribblings in my January 2019 pages.
If you can’t read my writing, it basically says, “Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.”
You would also have noticed that I stopped updating my journal after a while because things got worse and I couldn’t be bothered anymore.
I would go on to wallow in pain for another two and a half months. I was in the worst state I’d been in, ever.
Then, in the middle of March, something happened to me and it was the best thing in all my life.
I experienced God.
I had been alternatively agnostic and atheistic most of my life, so I’m really saying something when I say that I felt God’s presence and, in that moment, I knew without a doubt that God was real and that He was letting me know that He loved me and that I didn’t need to be broken anymore.
I could tell the full story over and over but it’s very long so I will tell it here another time. Now, I will just say that the experience changed me. Depression, pain, grief, fear, despair, all went away, just like that. It’s like God waved a magic finger and poof.
There I was, hurt to the power of infinity, and then, just… peace. Like I was on a drifting cloud. And then overflowing joy that made me weep because my heart couldn’t contain it.
Nine months later, now, I’m still that changed new person. I’ve never been better. When you understand what it means to have a relationship with Jesus, you don’t have to do anything, have anything or be anything in order to wake up every day with joy in your heart and an energising purpose in your life.
You are, simply, a child of God, loved by Him, and that is all anyone needs.
I’ve spent the last six months busy settling into my new life in Singapore, trying to fix some health issues, and getting to know God better. That’s why I haven’t been doing my Insta-bujo thing.
But, 2020!!! A special year! I want to start journaling again, but this time I have a different focus because I’m not depressed anymore. Thank you all for your encouragement and support while I was going through stuff, and I hope you will journey with me again.
Scoot on over to Instagram and refollow me for updates!
Thanks for reading and please have an awesome 2020! May God bless you with his love, peace and joy.
4 thoughts on “2019: Worst and best year of my life”
Thank you for that sharing. And for being who you are.
Thank you for always being so authentic and so real. I believe that as you share of your life in 2020, you will be a blessing to all that you come across.
Welcome back! You are the only blogger I love to read the blog. Before I have a family, I spent most of my time reading your blog. Be a mum of 2 now, my private time become lesser. However, I always go to your blog when I’m free. I love the way you change your style from article & comic to journal blog. You’re good in handwriting and drawing. And it’s good to hear that you find your inner peace through God.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” – Peter
I am so happy you found your way!! I agree with you that this way is the way we should all walk.
Be blessed. I can see that you already are.
It is interesting to note most of the time people who are converted are mostly despondent, suicidal and in the pits of despair…
Could it be simply explained that time heal all wounds ? No matter if its physical or emotional ?
The mind has a magical way of protecting itself and given enough time, one will surely recover from whatever sorrow you have been experiencing. “Experiencing God” maybe one form in which the mind sought to shield and protect itself from severe emotional trauma.
One should not be too overtly religious and be unconsciously indoctrinated as a result…
We should continue to stand for what is right from wrong and always believe in yourself. Only you yourself and no one else has the strength and fortitude to make change happen.
Many Blessings to you,
From one who stumbled on your blog unwittingly