Daily Journal – August 24

It’s a double-page daily today because I went through a mighty struggle, resulting in having a bit more to say than usual.

Daily Journal - August 25

Transcription:

Stressed and anxious. Despair. Woke up prematurely again, feeling completely unrested, unable to fall back asleep. Fitbit reported only 5 minutes of deep sleep in a 6-hour sleep period. Even though I’ve had less than ideal sleep for years, this makes me feel so defeated.

I was so fatigued I couldn’t even get excited about journalling. Without this joy to sustain me, life is bleak and colourless, void of all reason. Hello depression.

Past trauma, self hatred, dissatisfaction with the world, people, situations.

Everything crowds in all at once, as if competing against one another, all clamouring for attention.

I am overcome. My body is weighed down by fatigue, my mind and soul weighed down by anxiety and depression. Has just been switched from sertraline to Xanax. Because Sertraline gave me too much elation. With Quetiapine, I’m doing the opposite. I am dizzy without end, have a headache and I lose my drive. The morning after I have an excessive need to sleep and I am tired. The basic mood tilts into depression and I feel miserable with this active ingredient.

So many times in my life, I let it take me. It’s so hard to fight when your body won’t sleep. My energy and strength and willpower don’t get replenished and I’m dipping into reserves I don’t have anymore.

But, today, I fought.

I fought because I started this fight for the nth time and this time I have a journal to complete and streaks to maintain and I’m damned if I don’t last at least the month. Because if I don’t fight it, I go back to drowning in video games and self-loathing, day after day after day.

 

Today’s Wins

  • Did physio, yoga and meditation. Today’s meditation graph is like a captured butterfly desperately trying to break its bonds and fly away.
  • Did some online shopping for groceries and essentials. But that was relatively easy.
  • Did my daily walk, although was cut short at 40 minutes due to hypoglycaemia.
  • Did not have ice cream! I craved it so badly I very nearly gave in. I’m actually very surprised I didn’t. But I didn’t want to ruin my dairy and sugar free streak and somehow I found the strength. A small win, a big step!

 

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2 thoughts on “Daily Journal – August 24

  1. Avatar

    I’m a follower of your insta page (lavender.kami) and I can relate SO MUCH. I’m trying to battle against my inner things, but all want to do is to stay at home, eat and play videogames and go deeper in my depression. I’ve gained a lot of weight in the last six months, so I’ve decided to go to the gym next monday. but it’s really hard to even step out of the house… Thank you for sharing this with the world, it makes me see that I’m not the only one trying to change. Also, I don’t touch my bullet jurnal like by a month right now, so I may try to come back. Again, thank you.

  2. Avatar

    @Ayu: Thank you so much for sharing. It also helps me when I know I’m not alone in my struggle. :) I’m so happy to hear that you’ve taken a step towards changing your situation. I know how hard it is to even start, so I wish you all the best, and keep fighting!

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