It’s a double-page daily today because I went through a mighty struggle, resulting in having a bit more to say than usual.
Stressed and anxious. Despair. Woke up prematurely again, feeling completely unrested, unable to fall back asleep. Fitbit reported only 5 minutes of deep sleep in a 6-hour sleep period. Even though I’ve had less than ideal sleep for years, this makes me feel so defeated.
I was so fatigued I couldn’t even get excited about journalling. Without this joy to sustain me, life is bleak and colourless, void of all reason. Hello depression.
Past trauma, self hatred, dissatisfaction with the world, people, situations.
Everything crowds in all at once, as if competing against one another, all clamouring for attention.
I am overcome. My body is weighed down by fatigue, my mind and soul weighed down by anxiety and depression. Has just been switched from sertraline to Xanax. Because Sertraline gave me too much elation. With Quetiapine, I’m doing the opposite. I am dizzy without end, have a headache and I lose my drive. The morning after I have an excessive need to sleep and I am tired. The basic mood tilts into depression and I feel miserable with this active ingredient.
So many times in my life, I let it take me. It’s so hard to fight when your body won’t sleep. My energy and strength and willpower don’t get replenished and I’m dipping into reserves I don’t have anymore.
But, today, I fought.
I fought because I started this fight for the nth time and this time I have a journal to complete and streaks to maintain and I’m damned if I don’t last at least the month. Because if I don’t fight it, I go back to drowning in video games and self-loathing, day after day after day.
- Did physio, yoga and meditation. Today’s meditation graph is like a captured butterfly desperately trying to break its bonds and fly away.
- Did some online shopping for groceries and essentials. But that was relatively easy.
- Did my daily walk, although was cut short at 40 minutes due to hypoglycaemia.
- Did not have ice cream! I craved it so badly I very nearly gave in. I’m actually very surprised I didn’t. But I didn’t want to ruin my dairy and sugar free streak and somehow I found the strength. A small win, a big step!