Such a crush I have on Bayonetta

By DJ Goonfather - Guest ReviewerGame Review: Bayonetta
By DJ Goonfather

When I first got the game, the cover reminded me of Afro Samurai for some reason. I didn’t think much of it then and let it sit around for a while.

Eventually, when I decided to try out the game, I found that my Xbox 360 had died on me. I didn’t get it fixed immediately.

Long story short, it took me two weeks to get my console up and running due to unforseen circumstances.

Then I loaded the disc with low expections since I was just playing it to kill time.


But the introduction perked my interest immediately: Two hot chicks, Bayonetta and Jeanne, in tight leather, fighting on a falling platform. It’s like Heavenly Sword with that sexy babe killing ever-advancing hordes of enemies.

Still, it wasn’t until the Prologue that the game got my full attention.

The starting story, the strong personalities of the characters, the vicious violent moves, Bayonetta’s nun costume splitting open as she bursts out naked from it, transforming into her true leather-clad self…

It was stunning.


Reminds me of Devil Hunter Yohko, the anime.

If I had already started on Bayonetta when my Xbox 360 died in the middle of the night, I would have rushed to Mustafa to buy a new console right there and then, instead of waiting to get an exchange set for free.

It is that captivating!

Gore, guns, kungfu, hot chicks in tight pants, semi naked scenes and explicit language. What else could a guy ask for in a game?

By the way, Bayonetta looks like an OL version of Elvira. Teehee.


What mesmerises me most is Bayonetta’s personality, which comes across very appealingly in the amazing cutscenes. Where other game heroes gasp and struggle when faced with strong opponents, Bayonetta is bitchy and confident to the point of arrogance, which gives her a very sexy air.

I find myself developing a huge crush on her!

Hey, my silent admiring crush isn’t as bad as this bloke posting a Bayonetta video on YouTube asking if it’s normal to get a hard on while playing the game.


Bayonetta is an action game by the creators of Devil May Cry. Expect a similar feel but with a female hero with an attitude.

The moves are similar, with guns and huge-ass melee weapons, but the developers have raised the stakes here. Many variants of special moves such as Punish, Torture and a Nude move make the gameplay all the more exciting.

The Punish series of moves includes pinning down the enemy and bitch-slapping it to death, or grabbing it and slamming it right to left.

Torture moves include kicking an enemy into a guillotine and dropping the blade, or throwing it into an iron maiden and watching its juices flow out.


In the Nude finishing move, Bayonetta’s black leather outfit melts off her body to become this huge demon that flies up and eats the enemy.


But what’s better than all these moves combined is the unforgettable soundtrack which gets your blood pumping while you fight, especially the techno-jazz remixed version of Fly Me To The Moon.

Bayonetta is a witch who has lost her memory and goes around in search of her past. Following trails of a mysterious gem known as The Eyes of the World, with the help of an informant, Enzo, Bayonetta tries to recover her lost memories.

Along the way, she meets a journalist named Luka who claims that she had killed his father while he was a little boy. Luka swears to expose her existence to the mortal world. But because both of them aren’t bad people, it’s hard to make enemies out of them, which resullts in an uneasy friendship.


As Bayonetta visits places of significant histories, flashbacks of her past occur to her. She also meets delightful bright-eyed Cereza, who keeps calling her Mummy and following her around despite Bayonetta’s protests.

Cereza adds a wonderful human interest element to the story. You will fall in love with both mother and daughter for different reasons.


Be sure to watch the cutscenes carefully for the story is complicated but rewarding if you follow it through to the end.

If Bayonetta were an anime, I would be the first to buy it!


One noteworthy feature of the game is the loading screen. A controllable Bayonetta appears on the screen together with a scrollable list of fight combos. While the game is loading, you can practice moves and combos.

There’s never a moment of boredom in this game!

Well, now that I have completed the game, I feel at a loss. Perhaps I should try and persuade Sheylara to cosplay Bayonetta for me.


Reviewed by The Goonfather

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