Giving woman drivers a bad name

The following post first appeared on on September 13, 2005.

Illustrations are new.

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I had a mini adventure yesterday. I drove to Changi Airport at six in the morning.

It feels really good driving when there are hardly any other cars on the road. Especially if the last time you actually drove was so long ago that they haven’t even invented sliced bread yet.

Having no other cars on the road means you have a higher chance of staying accident-free.

I have never been a good driver.

(Which is why I never feel insulted over woman driver jokes. I do try to stick up for my gender, though, explaining that men and women have different talents. For example, men suck at wrapping birthday presents, so there.)

Birthday present

After my dad bought me my first car as a reward for passing my first driving test, the car suffered many bumps and scrapes. I suffered many traumatic moments when I thought someone was going to throw me into jail for being a horrible driver.

For instance, I have difficulty multi-tasking while driving. I can’t watch the road efficiently while I’m lost, trying to figure out whether turning left or right would get me nearer to my destination.

Earlier, I was driving for practice and scared the bejeezus out of some poor pedestrian trying to cross a zebra crossing. I forgot I had to stop and didn’t brake the car until I was near enough to smell what the pedestrian had for dinner.

Pedestrian puking

Anyway, rewind back to when I got my first car. Many minor accidents and almost-accidents later, I developed a phobia for driving. The car was sold when I had to go overseas and I didn’t drive again until now.

I decided to start again because the boyfriend needs someone to drive him home after getting drunk at pub outings.

Of course, that’s only what I allow him to believe since that’s the only way he could be convinced that letting me drive his car is worth the risk of a bumper dent or three.

So far, including the trip to Changi Airport yesterday, I have driven the car a total of four times.

Since we’re counting, I have given about eight pedestrians heart attacks and relieved the stresses of about 200 drivers by giving them a target to curse at. (Cursing someone and giving them the finger is like squeezing a stress ball, right? It allows you to express your stress in a productive, carthatic way.)

I have also bumped the front bumper twice, the back bumper twice, and also knocked someone’s front gate very lightly with my car license plate. Mind you, it was very lightly. I bet the gate hardly even felt it.


On my mini adventure yesterday, I took Elyxia with me — we were going to see Chong off at the airport. Chong was leaving Singapore for a mysterious reason and we were there to cheer him on and to encourage him to buy us cheap Nikes and Levi’s and Tag Heuers and Mont Blancs.

Ely was very much entertained as my passenger because I kept doing the unexpected, such as turning on the car wipers when I’m supposed to signal left. (It is common knowledge that audiences very much enjoy the unexpected.)

In return for my award-winning entertainment, Ely treated me to a breakfast of mee siam and iced milo at the airport.

Speaking of which, the mee siam I had at Changi Kopitiam (at T1) was really good. It was so sour it woke me up good and proper and gave me more energy to present part two of my entertainment program: Driving Elyxia Home.

Driving Elyxia Home

She really enjoyed my Oscar-winning performance of a paranoid neurotic, with my well-timed fugs and shits and am-i-supposed-to-turn-here-now-oh-fug-i-missed-its.

Timing is everything in a good performance, you know.

And, now, in order to raise funds for the Society of Innocent Pedestrians Frightened by Crazy Drivers, I’m selling tickets to my limited-edition performance.

Since I am an Oscar winner now, the price of a ticket has gone up from a mee siam and iced milo to an all-expenses paid trip to HK Disneyland.

Hurry, now, tickets are going fast!

14 thoughts on “Giving woman drivers a bad name

  1. Avatar

    The only driving that was going on before sliced bread was invented was woman driving men crazy.

    I think there are more woman bad drivers than guys who can’t wrap gifts.

    Close enough to smell what the pedestrian had for dinner? You’d have to be up inside the pedestrian to really know that, but I have seen you drive so I can understand how that is possible.

    We bumped into some old friends yesterday, my wife was driving

    Nothing confuses a man more than a woman driver who does everything right.

    My wife had a nasty accident with the car this morning. She backed it out of the garage, completely forgetting that the night before, she had backed it in.

    Magistrate: ‘But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn’t you give her half the road?’
    Motorist: ‘I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.’

    Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
    Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
    Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
    Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”
    Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

    Goonfather, PLEASE wear your seatbelt….and scuba gear!!!

  2. Avatar


    Hey! I’ve been driven around by you many times before. And you’ve always been a very good driver. And I’m quite serious about that too!

  3. Avatar

    Driving requires practice & even the most experienced/over confident male drivers gets into accidents.

    A colleague of mine always prides himself on his driving skills and proclaims that although he drives recklessly, he is safe….but he finally got into an accident & know he learns to drive safely.

  4. Avatar

    @Sheylara: Hmm… copying jokes from the web… familiar behaviour, don’t you think? Anyways, I’m sure your driving has levelled up since 2005, seeing as how the Goonfather trusts you with Makkuro:)

  5. Avatar

    RN1209, are you a little punk? You seem to have an opinion about everything on every blog in the freak’en world. Do you have time for anything else? Like maybe to keep your commentary to yourself?

  6. Avatar

    @Jeff: That last line? Right back atcha:P Now crawl back to whichever troll hut you spawned from before we all turn you to roadkill.

  7. Avatar

    @Jeff: Obviously RN cares to comment, I mean… you’ve posted an essay earlier.

    @RN: Where in the nine hells have you been? Get back on already!

    @Shey: So, did you level up or need more experience points?

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