So, the Goonfather just came back from a China holiday, all excited to show me the presents he’d gotten for me.

“Deardeardear!” he said, “I brought back a menu from a Chinese restaurant for you!”

“A menu!” I said, trying to look enthusiastic, “Imagine that!”

He smiled excitedly as he thrust a large piece of paper into my hands.

“Wow, a real-life menu!” I enthused, as I peeked at his luggage furtively to see if he had brought anything else back.

Of course, it turned out that the menu was the best present because it had me in stitches for a few minutes.

Chinese menu items translated into English to hilarious effect are nothing new. But to actually see one with your own eyes just kinda knocks the ground out under you.

I found myself reading every item carefully, savoring each lovingly-crafted dish name with relish.

“The Japan standing grain sauce burns the beefsteak” jumped out at me especially.

It was a toss up between that and “This large handcart Liu Ba”.

I’d be delighted to meet the person who names his handcarts and offers them up as delicacies at restaurants.

Or maybe not.

“The shredded pork fries the spaghetti!” announces item number five on the global food category.

Not to be outdone, “Assorted mushroom Bacon fries the spaghetti”, too.

But neither can hold a candle to “The Sauteed Beef Fillet with Black Pepper fries the spaghetti” because everyone knows that dead cows can fry spaghetti a lot better than dead pigs can.

Especially ones that have black pepper in possession.

Item number nine claims that “Singapore fries expensively tricky”.

Trust Singapore to try trumping everyone else by being expensive and tricky.

Because, a continent away, underprivileged livestock and seafood are still attempting to find their destiny.

“The lemon deep sea silver snow fish digs up” while a few hundred kilometres away, hopefully above sea level, “The onion citron pig digs up”.

I think the onion citron pig might find it easier going because it’s understandably easier to dig up on land than in sea.

Hey, but how about making an example of soup?

Don’t be fooled by the name. “Example soup” is actually very tasty.

I’ll forward you some as an enclosure to give you an example.

In the meantime, “The western-style pig digs up the food/spaghetti”.

A winner is you!!!

Peaceful-like chicken all over the world celebrate by eating!

“The peaceful-like chicken eats” and “The Hungarian chicken eats”! Triumph! Victory!

Because, just before that, Hungary attempted to eat its chicken by first braising it.

I wonder who won.

Well, whoever it was that won, it sure wasn’t Wu Dong.

Poor Wu Dong got fired. And over what?

Thirty-two yuan, presumably.

At least “The French vanilla burns Yang Ba” over 88 yuan, which is more than double Wu Dong’s retrenchment fee.

From all this, we can take away a very useful lesson.

Whatever you do, if you ever visit China, do not, for any reason whatsoever, upset the prawn salad.

Stay away from it as much as possible.

Because it is a “Sentiment deep crazy bean prawn salad” and it will not look kindly upon laughing tourists.

You have been warned.