Money is dirty

Stupid conversation between the Goonfather and myself.

We were in the car, driving out to dinner, when he asked for a piece of tissue paper. In my usual clumsy way, I accidentally pulled out two pieces instead of one. I blamed him because it’s fun to blame the Goonfather.

“See lah!! You made me pull out two pieces!” I said.

Of course, blaming people doesn’t solve problems, so I considered my options.

Use the extra piece myself? Don’t need it.

Stuff it back into the packet? Feels a bit unhygenic.

Make a tissue hat for the Goonfather to wear? Naaah.

My best solution, I decided, was to pass the problem on to the Goonfather. Haha!

“I’m going to put the extra piece in your pocket,” I said. “You can use it to wipe your mouth after dinner.”

But as I was about to stuff the tissue into his shirt pocket, I noticed that he had some dollar notes sitting inside.

“Argh, I can’t put the tissue in here. You have money inside.”

“What’s wrong with money in my pocket?”

“Money is dirty,” I informed him.

“…,” he said.

“If the tissue paper touches your money, it will become dirty, too.”

“Why is money dirty?” he wanted to know.

“Cos it gets passed around from person to person so you don’t know where it’s been. I’ve been taught since young to always wash my hands after handling money.”

The Goonfather was speechless for a moment, so I pressed on.

“If you rub the tissue and money together, then you wipe your mouth with the tissue, it’ll be like wiping your mouth with money. You wouldn’t wipe your mouth with money, would you?”

“I wouldn’t wipe my mouth with money because I couldn’t afford it,” the Goonfather said. “People say money is dirty because they can’t afford to use money as tissue paper.”

The conversation had taken a ridiculous turn and I didn’t even know what I was arguing anymore.

I said, “But even if you could afford to wipe your mouth with money, you wouldn’t!! Paris Hilton wouldn’t wipe her mouth with money.”

“That’s because money is too cheap for her to wipe her mouth with,” was his explanation.

“But it’s not a matter of price. Nobody, no matter how rich or how poor, will use money to wipe their mouths.”

“That’s because poor people can’t afford to and rich people can’t be bothered to.”

“But it’s not about money! It’s about hygiene. And practicality! Money isn’t even absorbent. Would you wipe your mouth with a gold bar?”

“I would if I had gold bars sitting around.”

“Why would you use gold bars to wipe your mouth when tissue paper is better?!”

“Because I can afford to.”

“How the hell do you even wipe your mouth with a gold bar in the first place?”

“I’ll mash it all over my face and lick it.”


I put the loose tissue paper into my bag, which was probably about as hygenic as putting it into the Goonfather’s pocket.

Finally, the tissue paper was used to soak up spilled water at the dinner table before we even started eating, much less encounter the need to wipe our mouths.

So, in the end, all that trouble was for nought.

19 thoughts on “Money is dirty

  1. Avatar

    hahaahahahaha… does the goonfather have a blog? i can just imagine the things he would write. it would be as funny as hell. he would write about the funny things u say, n u wld write abt the funny things he says.. LOL.

    :) n yes i agree, money is dirty!!

  2. Avatar

    Heh I generally wouldn’t put money in my pocket if I had money lying around it. But here’s a question: would it be okay with other things? keys? handphone?

  3. Avatar

    Daphne Maia: The Goonfather doesn’t blog. He doesn’t like to write, period. So I have a monopoly on writing about our stuff and can twist it any way I want. Haha.

    Pingping: Hmm… maybe! Then again, it’s also upbringing. Depends on whether someone’s parents ever told them money is dirty. :P

    Daryl Tay: Good question. Logically, I think keys and handphones could be as dirty as money. But, psychologically, you can’t help thinking that money has been touched by more people, maybe dropped into a toilet bowl, maybe been rubbed against someone’s butt… the possibilities are endless. So… because you can’t know where it’s been, you must assume the worst. :P

  4. Avatar

    Yep… You twist the conversation by omitting some of the things I said. Such as, “even if I were to exchange a brand new $2 note with someone to wipe his/her mouth, he/she wouldn’t do it. Coz they can’t afford to use $2 to wipe their mouth, but rather use $2 to buy a $0.30 pack of tissue.” And many will argue about affordibility. Some will say that they can afford, but they have better things to do with their $2, which in my definition, you can’t afford. As long as you find that the $2 can be used for a better purpose, you can’t afford *period*

    Anyway, with the existence people like Morte, tissue is dirtier than money. Coz they use tissue to enhance their crotch, not money. :P

  5. Avatar

    Since when did you mention using a brand new $2 note??? Anyway, I still stand by what I said. People use tissue paper because that’s the most effective way to wipe your mouth clean. lol. What has it got to do with money?

  6. Avatar

    Money is dirty, but most people like them.

    On the scientific side, I agree its dirty to the core.

    Opps drop the 50cent into the drain.

    *went there digging it out from drain to pay for the newspaper*

  7. Avatar

    i think goonfather was right about the money mixing with the tissue paper… i always carry tissue paper around…

    but i think you guys brought the discussion too far already…haha

  8. Avatar

    Ashtar83: Yeah. Money is the most misunderstood thing in the world. Everyone loves it but it gets called dirty and evil and other bad things. Haha.

    modchip: I have to agree with you on that.

    Ruok: What’s up with your fetish over nuts these days?

    Leonard: That’s the Goonfather for you. He always mangles our discussions beyond recognition. :P

  9. Avatar

    Oi, how the hell did I get involved??!! Anyway, if I even stuff 1 tissue paper into my crotch, I will have to up my boxers by 1 size larger. So which is dirtier – tissue after wiping your mouth with it, or money after doing the same thing?

  10. Avatar

    uglyfatchick: Hehe, I suppose that works. But I don’t like to use tissue to blot my face. Blotter is better. Tissue like cannot absorb, very annoying. haha.

    JayWalk: Wah, you call that profound? I call it rubbishology. Haha.

    Ruok: Wrong answer. You ARE nuts.

    Monster: Um… well, no. The goonfather is camera shy. Seriously. Hahaha.

    Morte: Aiyoh you guys. Stop competing your size! lol.

  11. Avatar

    Can you imagine where this money has been? I’m not even going to begin to tell you the life a bill leads because Goodfather will rush himself to the hospital after he hears it. He would be better off licking the back side of a public table!

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