It’s Friday again. Too fast.
It seems like only yesterday when I wrote my last blog and thought to myself, “It’s Friday again. Too fast.”
And then here is the weekend again, barely have I recovered from the tragic passing away of the last week.
I don’t like it when time flies like the wind and fruit flies like bananas because flies are one of life’s greatest annoyances.
Every day, I get the feeling that I’m going to die before I fulfill all my life’s desires.
And time just speeds along without a care, without consideration for the fact that I haven’t done all the things I have to do.
I am sad, too.
I didn’t want to blog about it because sad blogs are stupid and I don’t like to invite sympathy.
But I just read a short story in which the protagonist decides to write about a true event which has haunted him for over eight decades. He finally writes it at his deathbed because he believes writing can give him freedom.
He says, “What you write down sometimes leaves you forever, like old photographs left in the bright sun, fading to nothing but white. I pray for that sort of release.”
(That’s from a short story called “The Man in the Black Suit” by Stephen King.)
When I read that, it felt like Mr King himself was advising me to “get it off my chest”.
So here I am blogging, while waiting for my dinner to digest so I will have room for the chocolate rum balls I bought last night.
I lost a big movie role because I’m too compatible with the male actor.
The role is not big big, but it’s bigger than the previous two I had. It’s a main cast character, I believe.
I am not inconsolable, of course. I have a spare heart of titanium lying around in one of my intestines. I put it on over my regular stupid weak tender heart whenever I am faced with rejection. Every bullet of pain ricochets off it without so much as leaving a mark and I laugh manically at pithy attempts to crumble my soul.
I invoke my silver lining mantra. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. I’m not bothered by failures because I know something better will come along out of every loss.
I invoke sour grapes. It’s not, like, a perfect role, anyway. Not going to cause millions to adore me and worship me, so why bother?
But I am sad, indignant, because of the way in which I lost the role.
It was down to two actresses. The male actor who is to play the husband had already been cast and the director had both actresses come in to read with the male actor to see who looks better paired up with him.
Better, I am to find out later, is very subjective.
At the reading, I found out that I know that actor. In fact, I just acted in a short film opposite him. I thought that gave me a pretty good chance to snag the role.
I even did a good reading and I know the director liked my performance.
I went through an asthmatic, hyperventilating two weeks waiting for the good news phone call.
It didn’t come.
The only good news is that my heart is now an expert at beating very fast every time the phone rings.
Not exactly a very useful skill that I will call upon many times in my life, but you never know. Actors have to be skillful at everything you can imagine and everything you can’t.
I finally found out that I didn’t get the role because I was too compatible with the male actor. We looked too good together. At the audition, in between reads, we were joking around with each other and having a good time.
In the movie, the husband and wife are supposed to be in constant conflict and the director wants a certain awkwardness to show up.
I didn’t get the role because I know the actor and I am not awkward with him.
Such a bitter pill to swallow.
Worse than the vile Chinese concoction I take for sore throats.
I don’t blame anyone. I am in full support of the director’s method of casting and directing, which is to find the actor who, in real life, most resembles the character in the story, so the film can look totally natural and realistic.
He is of the school which believes in subtlely more than acting acting, and I totally dig that. Not that I don’t dig the other schools, but I believe different techniques, different styles, work for different people, different projects.
I am sad because I had looked forward to playing this role and I thought I had a great chance of getting it. It is not every day a big movie role appears up for grabs in Singapore. In the rare occasion that a movie is going to be made in Singapore, they always cast famous people first and the rest of us plebians get to be icing sugar and parsley.
But I am not disabled by the unhappiness which is, at best, intermittent. I can still function with zest. I look forward to getting an even better role than the one I just lost.
And that is why time is going too fast for me.
I need to get a good role before I’m 95 and hallucinating on my deathbed.
I’m hogging the casting lists every day, refreshing pages every three seconds, waiting, waiting, waiting for a to-die-for role which profile I fit, which is actually open for audition.
In the meantime, I have simple joys to contend myself with.
The Goonfather bought me a new keyboard yesterday. It is such a joy to type on. The keys are OH, SO, cottony soft and ghostly silent. It’s the Microsoft Comfort Curve Keyboard 2000, which is also anti-spillage, and with which I am immensely pleased.
I have a role in another short film which I think is going to be a lot of fun. We’re all getting costumes from an actual costume shop because it’s sort of a theme thing. That is so way ultra cool. We have a rehearsal tomorrow and I so enjoy going to rehearsals, even if it’s on a Saturday night and we’re not paid for it.
I just bought four books by my favourite authors and I’m devouring them like a starved puppy devours his favourite bacon-flavoured chewing strip.
Life is good.
And now, one of life’s greatest pleasures, one of my most wicked indulgences, beckon me.
Chocolate rum balls (from Subway Niche) and a good novel, in bed.
9 thoughts on “Cheated by fate”
I know how you feel. And you know my thoughts on the matter. Keep your chin up babe, and remember they keep pouring shit on us so that one day we can eventually stand on in and climb out of the hole we are in.
Important to do till then is to avoid getting suffocated.
Stupid director. Stupid, stupid director. And I hope that tart who got the part trips and gets crushed by a camera crane just as they’re filming a crucial scene. And they’ll ask me to come back, but I’ll make them beg, and then refuse. And oh, wouldn’t that be poetic justice?
just a rather random observation, but your writing style reminds me a lot of xiaxue
Actually who are your fav authors??
I prefer chocolate, novel techniques….on bed!
No matter what, your keyboard is very cool…makes me jealous I do not have a Goonfather to pamper me….sob sob.
All subjects including Mothers, have HRH, 4th in line to the Throne, Patron of Culture & the Arts, to not pamper them.
The royal We, call it tough love.
All hail hard hearted me.
me wants new keyboard too!
i commiserate with your disappointment. just be ready with open arms when the REAL dream role falls on your lap. in the mean time, don’t hold back on the chocolates. yay!
with regards with the camera-phone, in the context of posting pictures with your blogs, i agree that those with graphics tend to be more appealing. so, keep snapping away!
Misery loves company..and then there is chocolate.
Funny it is when we feel so terrible and start to write a post, we usually feel a whole lot better when we end it. ;-)