Journal – November 1-2

Journal - November 1-2

 

Transcription

Life and Death

I dreamt that I tried to commit suicide. It surprised me because I haven’t felt suicidal recently. It’s also the first time I’ve dreamt such a thing and it weirds me out a bit. I’ve been feeling largely positive, even happy, the last few months, even though I never did stop being aware that there are unresolved issues and unfixable things that plague me.

Even in the glow of positivity and happiness, there is a stress that will never go away because life can never be the neat little package you want it to be. I don’t want to kill myself at the moment but I wouldn’t mind ceasing to exist.

In my dream, the attempt failed and I woke up feeling disappointed, both in the dream and in real life. Where do I go from here? I don’t know. Keep trying, die trying, to fix my life as well as I can. Look outside the window and focus on the good things.

Gratitude

I’m grateful for all the people in the world who make the world a better place with kindness, love and compassion.

Lifeguard

I will never stop being amazed at Piers’ superpower. We were at our pond and it’s pretty chaotic. Dragonflies flitting around, dead leaves and weeds and ripples on the surface, uneven muddy ground on the bottom. In the middle of that, he suddenly pointed out a tiny splashing that wouldn’t quit and said a dragonfly was drowning. It was far away in the middle of a really huge pond and I honestly couldn’t tell. But Piers saw it and managed to rescue it with a ridiculously long wooden beam that’s used to sweep pond weeds. Makes me speechless!

 

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Daily Journal – September 13

Daily Journal - September 13

Transcription

2K Followers

My Instagram hit 2,000 followers today! What? I still haven’t got over hitting 1,000 a month ago, so I’m getting some compounded shock here. Still, I’m so thankful to people who choose to look at my pages every day. I feel undeserving!

Women’s Institute

Went to my first women’s institute meeting today at the village hall. Our village’s WI is 99 years old this year so I feel like I’m joining a bit of history. They did warn me that the average age in the group is, well, pensioner age, but there are a few young ladies as well. If there are, they weren’t at today’s meeting.

I felt a little out of place, being the only non-Brit and “young person”. But they were all so lovely and welcoming. I do enjoy different age groups because different perspectives and ideas make interesting conversation!

Stressed Cat

Didn’t have time to go for a walk today because of WI. That means I’ll have to walk more tomorrow to make up my weekly steps goal.

I’m always very stressed on the days I have to go out because it means I must rush through some daily things and give up others.

Why am I so abnormal? People go out all the time and are fine but my life falls apart when I go out!

 

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Daily Journal – August 30

Daily Journal - August 30

 

Transcription:

Stress

I am stressed out of my head. This week, my to-do list has been growing faster than I can clear it. Only one day left till September and I haven’t created my new tracking and planning spreads. I have 16 pages to make before the 1st but I won’t have time to even start till the 3rd, at the earliest.

I have been so, so fatigued all this week and suffering from sleeplessness. Also feeling sad that I haven’t had time all month to spend on my interests. I hate being an adult.

Life is too frustrating.

But I must stop this line of thinking now. I can feel the darker thoughts trying to take over. Go away, dark thoughts.

Gratitude

I’m grateful that Piers allows me to have all my online shopping sent to his office because I hate answering the door. Or the phone.

Pygmy kids

Recently, we thought about buying pygmy goats as pets because a neighbour’s goats had kids. But how can I take care of pets when I don’t even have time to take care of myself?

 

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I’m very stressed now

Tomorrow is the last weekday left before Chinese New Year and I haven’t gone to the bank to change money! Okay, I don’t have many people to give ang pows to, just parents and nieces, but still need new notes wat!!

I haven’t finished buying my CNY clothes. I haven’t done any spring cleaning. In fact, I haven’t cleaned my room in half a year. I’ll bet there are micro-communities living underneath the pile of junk on my desk now.

I still haven’t cleared all my e-mails, which have now reached the 3,000 mark.

I haven’t played GTA4 this whole week cos I’ve been so busy.

I haven’t finished all my work today. I still have a blog to write, messages to reply and Xbox duty in less than an hour’s time.

Tomorrow: Staying home to do GGF.

Saturday: Visiting a Children’s Home (organised by blog reader Darz). Speaking of which, anyone wants to join us to help spread some CNY cheer to 82 underprivileged kids? E-mail me. We need to submit confirmed numbers, like, now.

(Update: The trip has been postponed because it’s a bit too last minute. Many people aren’t free due to CNY, the Home director needs details of visitors in advance, and Darz has medical orders to stay home. Thanks for the interest. Will update you guys on this again!)

Sunday: Writing Star Blog entry. Then reunion dinner. Then our annual temple visit party. Then no sleep for the night. Then it’s CNY!! ARGGGH!

The devil got me

I sold my soul to the devil today, when I swore never to do it again.

I’m speaking metaphorically lah, what is wrong with you?

I mean, what is wrong with me. Sorry.

The devil has a three-letter name. Its name is J.O.B.

And I don’t mean a job like an acting job or a writing job or a modelling job or a temp job like I’ve been doing in the last few years, allowing me to live a relatively free-spirited life with no serious obligations.

I mean a J.O.B. with a regular salary and CPF.

[Get thee away!]

So, now, I’m staring at my PC monitor, wide-eyed, heart thumping, awash in a stupor of disbelief.

Okay, I actually did that for 15 minutes.

But that’s about all the time I can spare for frivolous self-indulgences. Because I have a J.O.B. to do.

Alright, I shall stop stringing you along before you get tired of being strung along and decide to leave.

So. I have agreed to be the editor of a new publication. (I think I’m not allowed to say what it is yet.)

*cue shocked gasps of breaths*

C’mon, humour me.

That was my old occupation, being an editor. I was an editor in a newspaper, a magazine and a web portal. But I quit eventually because I wanted to act and didn’t want to be tied down by a regular job and I didn’t like the stress of that job.

[Pencil-wielding horror]

I swore never to go back to the grind. Over the years, I rejected several related job offers.

So, why did I accept this offer?

Because it’s a very small publication and I got the impression that I’ll just need to spend like four days a month working on it.

Because it’s gaming related and sounds vaguely fun.

Because I need to re-oil my marbles.

Well, I figured that it won’t kill me to give up four days of my life each month.

And then I had a serious meeting with my boss-to-be and I started getting the idea that the job is much bigger than I expected and that I may have to spend a lot more than four days a month.

But, by then, I couldn’t back out anymore because I was hooked by the challenge.

And the money.

Which is not much, really, but the promise of extra monthly income is very attractive to someone who hasn’t been getting much of a regular income in years. (But which really shouldn’t even be a consideration considering that I’ve been happily living an income-less life all this while.)

You can tell I’m confused. Can I plead duress?

Anyway, just like that, I’m back on a payroll.

[I'll pay you in houses]

While the job will have fun elements, it will also bring the kind of unwanted stress which drove me away from my old career in the first place.

For example, I have exactly two weeks from now to work out my editorial direction and publish the first issue.

And I already had my year nicely planned out with exciting personal projects to keep me awfully busy.

But now I’m going to have to rework my priorities. Give up a few things. And get used to the fact that I don’t own myself 100% anymore.

Sure, it’s not a full-time job in that I have to sit in an office 22 days a month. I’ll just have to go for meetings and work mostly from home, but the stress will be full-time.

An editor’s job is 24/7, I suddenly remember my ex-ex-boss teaching me. It doesn’t matter the amount of time you’re doing the physical work of putting the publication together, you’re constantly monitoring trends and news and thinking six issues ahead while you work on the current issue.

I’m starting to wonder what I just signed up for.

The devil got me. After all these years.

[The devil got Sheylara]