Death of the New Year’s resolution

I bet you all think I’ve gone and disappeared again! But I’m still here, and I really mean to not disappear again!

For at least a month!

That’s one of my New Year’s resolutions. And I’m rather impressed with myself for having one of those, seeing as I’ve been Cynical Cynthia (not having believed in resolutions) for the last, I don’t know, hundred years.

And why not?

Because I think New Year’s resolutions are an escape hatch.

Say you get tired of doing something, like yoga and eating rabbit food. So you tell yourself, oh never mind, the NEW YEAR is coming up; I will resolve to get back into yoga and rabbit food then, promise! (Never mind it’s only April.)

I didn’t want to be part of all that procrastination and denial. (Like I don’t already have enough of that in my life, haha.) Really, I thought, it’s do or do not. There is no faffing about waiting for the right time.

 

Do or do not?
Your subconscious knows best.

 

But some time last month, while not doing yoga, I had an epiphany. (Which goes to show you don’t need to be a yogi nor feed on cotton balls to have epiphanies.)

My epiphany was that not believing in NYRs was doing duck all for my goals.

People have a tendency to set their goals aside and, I don’t know, play a video game, instead.

It’s so easy to get sidetracked, lose focus, fall by the wayside, eat a whole pint of chocolate ice cream in one sitting.

 

Eating chocolate ice cream
Hey, let’s get some cookie dough ice cream next.

 

(If you’re one of those wack jobs who have earned a PhD, scaled Mount Everest twice, mastered five languages, invented a working time machine and published a hundred books by the time you’re 20 years old, go away. Just go away.)

I see now that NYRs, at least, remind us to refocus and get those bucket lists ticked off. It doesn’t matter if you keep getting sidetracked and have to keep renewing the same resolution every year. At least there’s a chance of succeeding one day.

(ADHD type people like me probably need a whole new strategy altogether, but I’m going to leave that problem for another time.)

By boycotting NYRs, I was basically allowing myself to be sidetracked for longer periods of time. I would enjoy the constant companionship of ennui while thinking, “I don’t need a new year to start doing that thing, I can just do it whenever, duh!”

But “whenever” comes rather infrequently, you’ll find.

 

Whenever - AKA why you never get anything done.
Whenever never comes.

 

Now, instead of thinking of NYRs as some dork invention, I’ve decided to think of them as a kind of parental discipline.

When you get to a certain age, you realise that parents are always right (the non-psycho ones, anyway). When they say DO YOUR HOMEWORK NOW, it is backed by all the wisdom of 14 billion years worth of universe. Meaning, disobey me and you will become a tramp, see if I care. (Actually, I do care, so go do your homework.)

Come 2016, I was determined to obey my figurative parents. My first resolution on the list was to be an early riser.

I’ve struggled my entire life to wake up early but have never quite succeeded. I have tried, honestly, about 3,482 times, despite being genetically predisposed to be an owl.

About 4 am to 12 pm would be my ideal sleeping time. But I want to be more in sync with the rest of the world (that is, pertaining to my familial and social circles).

 

Sync in progress. Do not disconnect.
Another way of saying behave like a normal human being, you crazy person.

 

So, on the first Monday of 2016, I made myself wake up at 7 am. I spent the whole day in a zombiefied state doing useful tasks I’d put off for years, such as opening mail that’s been sitting around since 2013 and filing them away neatly. It was a very successful day.

But my triumph wasn’t to last long. At 9 pm, my throat suddenly became quite sore.

At 10 pm, I started sneezing uncontrollably.

The next morning, I woke up with a bad cold and promptly went back to sleep. And that was the end of that resolution, may it rest in peace.

Well, there’s always next year.

 

 

This year, I’m making a wish

I always get melancholically introspective on New Year’s Eve. This year is no different.

Some years I’m out partying my head off, getting drunk during the big countdown. Other years I’m at home sullenly watching some new year countdown show or other, sullen not because I’m home on New Year’s Eve but because I hate countdown shows.

I am always forced to watch the blasted shows because someone or other at home will feel that it’s every human being’s sworn duty to watch the countdown show for no better reason than “What? It’s the COUNTDOWN show!” and therefore will have the TV tuned to the right channel even before the show starts.

I don’t like those shows because they are always the same every year. Crowds, fireworks, inane chatter, too much screaming, and nothing is remotely entertaining in the artistic sense and I can’t see my life or brain being bettered by them.

 

 

Ok I don’t want to spoil the mood by ranting about TV shows so I shall go back to talking about this melancholic introspectovirus I catch every year end. And I’ll tell you what I’m introspecting today.

Like I’ve mentioned again and again, I am of the belief that New Year’s Day is just another day similar to any other day in that the sun rises and then sets, but attached profound significance because of a sequence of numbers and the genius of capitalists.

In other words, it’s overhyped.

Therefore, I feel resentful of society’s insistence on having me take stock of my life this time of the year, making new resolutions and all that crap. Because, I DO feel the need to do such a thing every year and it annoys me how illogical and pressurising it is. And it’s also a useless endeavour because hardly anyone I know ever keeps their resolutions, unless they’re clever and make resolutions such as get more massages or eat more chocolate.

So I get all melancholic because I’m taking stock while being annoyed at myself for doing it and getting stressed, and resenting the deadline. Then the new year comes and I’m, like, NOOOOOO I’m not ready! I haven’t finished doing last year’s laundry!

 

 

The new year comes, anyway, regardless of my feelings about the matter and we continue to bumble on as we’ve always done before the big countdown, and it doesn’t matter whether you’d spent it drunk at a pub or sullen at home watching the countdown show, because nothing changes.

Nevertheless, I do have a list of new year’s resolutions in my head which I made a lifetime ago and have struggled to follow through the year and will continue to struggle to follow till the end of my time.

Because, while I don’t believe in the possibility of change at the turn of a clock, I believe in evolution. Not in the Big Bang sense, but in the sense that things do change, slowly and gradually, much like how your chilli plant dies a slow, silent death if you forget to feed it some water. (I’m sorry, Mr Chilli.)

 

 

So, my resolutions list can be summarised as follows: Strive to be a good person and live life as meaningfully and fully as possible.

It’s very difficult to be a good person. Someone who’s kind, empathetic, non-judgemental, believes in the good of the world and delights in bringing happiness to others.

Other people make it difficult for me to be nice. Countdown shows make it difficult. The weather makes it difficult. Bills make it difficult. There’s always something in the way. But I always try and try because that’s my perennial wish for the world. That everyone tries, too.

Noooo…! I’m not done with 2007 yet!

Geez, it’s New Year’s Eve and I didn’t realise it until three hours ago.

I hate the new year.

New years give me the feeling that I must tie up every loose end before the year ends or risk being eternally damned. But that’s impossible to do because my life is made up of loose ends.

I suppose it’s all very psychological. I mean, there’s no reason at all why I have to tie up any ends. After countdown, it’s just another day and it’s very quickly back to status quo. The only difference would be you have to remember to write 08 instead of 07.

That’s why I hate the new year. It makes me nervous for nothing.

I don’t want the year to end. I haven’t accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish. New years remind me that I’m getting older and I still haven’t done anything I feel proud of.

I mean, I’m happy on a day-to-day basis. I enjoy each day as it comes. I’m kinda happy to be bumbling along. I feel proud of my tiny daily accomplishments.

But the whole sociology of celebrating new years forces me to take stock of my entire life, reminds me that I’m still sucky same old me and that I haven’t accomplished any grand thing in 2007. Nor 2006. Nor 2005. Nor 2004. Ad infinitum.

Oh, gosh.

Why do people celebrate new years?

Something is wrong. If you’re looking forward to and celebrating a new year, it means that the old year had sucked so you can’t wait to jump into the new year. If it didn’t suck, wouldn’t you want to hold on to it and not let it go?

So if you’re celebrating, I assume that your year sucked. If you celebrate every year, I assume that your whole life sucked.

So, some people use new years to resolve to do better the next year. It’s like a chance to start over anew, maybe. They make resolution lists.

But these things don’t work. When will people start to realise this? If you’re gonna do something, you’ll do it. If you’re not gonna do it, you’ll never do. Lists can’t change people any more than slimming teas can zap away fats.

Ironically, I like countdown parties, for the simple fact that they’re parties. I party for the sake of partying, not to celebrate the dawn of a stupid day which is just like any old day except people dress it up and stick a fancy label on it.

But there’s no partying for me this year. I’ve been so stressed out stressing over tying up loose ends (key phrase being “stress over” and not “tie up”) that I haven’t had time to make any party plans. Anyway, the Goonfather has to work tonight from 8pm till 8am to tie up his company’s loose ends.

I think I’ll just stay home this year and quietly mourn the passing of the year.

Goodbye 2007.

Sucked into the new year

A new year is always a scary thing for me.

A new year signifies that a huge chunk of time has gone and is never coming back. It signifies that I have grown older but not wiser. I have grown frailer and poorer and still haven’t achieved my life goals, and now I have less time and health in which to see them through.

I am an amoeba journeying towards the dark at the end of the tunnel.

New years, for me, do not mean a new beginning. Everyone knows that nothing is going to change, so what’s with the hopes and resolutions? Nobody keeps new year resolutions — the whole resolution routine is a gimmick to trick people into thinking that they can start anew. But by the time the next new year rolls around, nothing will have changed.

That is why, every new year, people make yet another set of resolutions. Because they didn’t keep to last year’s set.

So stop making them already.

Last night, I counted down to 2006 with my friends. It was a fun, social thing to do and I did it by force of habit. Sure, I enjoyed myself because I always enjoy partying with friends.

But on the way home in the wee hours of the new year’s morning, it hit me.

It’s the freaking new year and we’re going to have to go through the whole sad routine all over again.

Don’t get me wrong. I am usually an optimistic person and I always believe that my future has wonderful things for me to experience and discover.

But new years are like alarm clocks and exam bells. They jolt you out of your comfort zone and put pressure on you, hurry you along.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

Wake up to reality, sleepyhead! You didn’t really win that $2.8 million Toto jackpot and you didn’t really kiss Colin Farrell. Now you have to get up and go to work and hope that you can save enough money by the end of the year to fly to Hollywood and maybe get to see Colin Farrell’s nail shavings. Ha ha ha, sucker.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

Time’s up! Pens down! It’s too late now to regret not studying harder. Now you have to work even harder to pass the next exam. Ha ha ha, sucker.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

2005 is over, sucker! Stop dreaming and buck up because you still haven’t gotten that promotion, you still haven’t gotten rid of those flabby arms, you still leave dishes lying in the sink, and you still spend too much money buying nonsense you never use.

So, there you are, trying your darndest to make sense of life and keep your happiness bar in the green, and then the great big cosmic alarm goes off and tells you that you’d better hurry up and do it faster because everything is getting old.

You’re older. Your furniture is older, your house is older, your computer is older and dying, your breasts are sagging (if you have them in the first place), your clothes are out of fashion, your bank account is terminally ill.

Where is the new in new year? Hello?

The only thing new you have is maybe teeth because all your old ones had fallen out and you needed to get a new set two days ago.

I think people should stop celebrating the new year.

What are we celebrating, exactly? Mother Earth’s birthday?

You know, Mother Earth isn’t happy because her children are tearing her apart with pollution and wars and resource drains.

The whole world is going to the junkyard and people are celebrating.

It’s crazy.

Nevertheless, I hope everyone has a great 2006. Despite everything, I think we all deserve our happiness.