When I first started my accidental journey to awesomeness three weeks ago, I would type random thoughts in my iPad throughout the day, every day. It helped me keep track of my progress as well as all the strange, new thoughts I was having.
Some of those thoughts I have reproduced in the previous post. Here are some other random bits you might like.
I woke up today feeling quite neutral, which is not great considering how I’ve been so excited to wake up these past few days. But neutral is not a bad thing, either.
I guess if it’s not bad, it’s good. Sheylara’s School of Positivity Rule #1.
Why am I feeling so good these days? Is it going to last? Is it even real because what sorcery is this? I’m going to wake up one day and it’s all going to go to shit again, right? I think I can hear my old self yelling from a distance, “Hey let me back in, geez!”
I feel like I’m on some kind of happy drug these days. I feel like I’m on a permanent high of a manic depressive episode. I feel like I’ve joined one of those batshit crazy happy cults and been brainwashed. A month ago, I would so totally have felt repelled by the me now.
If I’ve learned anything big from the past two weeks, it’s that it’s absolutely possible to change. You just need to be ready and have the right ingredients. I’ve always believed I wasn’t a morning person but I love mornings now. If you’d told me even a month ago that, one day, I would willingly and happily wake up in the morning every single day, I would have laughed myself dead.
It’s all mind over matter, right?
Can I will myself bigger boobs?
It was really difficult to wake up this morning. I think I was smack in the middle of a sleep cycle, dreaming weird-ass dreams like having a pretend picnic with clay rabbits under a strawberry tree during twilight, or something equally incomprehensible, when the alarm woke me.
I wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. I have a lot of sleep debt to repay. And it’s Sunday.
In the same minute I was all ready to go back to sleep, a thought kicked me in the backside. It was a flash of memory of a thing I’d said to Piers last night when he asked why I couldn’t sleep in during the weekends.
“I have to wake up at the same time every day or it will screw everything up,” I had said.
“I don’t want to screw everything,” my brain thought, and kicked me some more. And I got up.
Brain, who are you?
Incidentally, I was reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People yesterday when I came across this quote:
“No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or emotional appeal.” – Marilyn Ferguson
It’s beautifully written and that’s what I was talking about in my Day 15 notes.
Change is hard and scary. It’s taken me all this time to open my gate. But I have no regrets. I’m kind of too tired to feel anything other than a sleepy sort of pride for having spent my days productively for three weeks in a row now.
Coming to the point soon!
I found myself enjoying writing my thoughts so much that I decided to add a new thing to my morning routine: Morning Pages.
It’s a technique created by artist-writer Julia Cameron (ooh I just realised she’s the wife of director Martin Scorsese) in her 1995 book, The Artist’s Way. You’re supposed to write three pages of words (about 750 words), longhand, about anything at all, first thing in the morning, every single day. You supposedly gain catharsis, clarity and creativity, and will be able to do your tasks more effectively throughout the day, indirectly saving time.
This has added 30 minutes to my already-long morning routine but that’s fine. I’ve done it for a week now and am enjoying it. I can’t say that I’m seeing any benefits at the moment, because the benefits overlap the ones I already get from my other morning actions (yoga, meditation, writing gratitudes, etc).
But I’m doing it because I enjoy it, probably the same way I used to enjoy running. It kind of sucks while you’re doing it but it feels great once it’s all over.
On the flip side, Morning Pages took me to a dark place on Day 4. I was randomly ranting about my perfectionism when, two pages later, my writing unwittingly opened up a deep, painful wound in my heart that’s been festering and growing there for two decades, never having quite healed.
(That’s another story.)
The sudden emotional pain that shot outwards in cruel spikes was so unexpected after 20 days of feeling mostly happy that I wanted to give in to a good cry. But I’ve always felt stupid about being crippled by this pointless old wound, so I didn’t allow it to happen. I did my best to bury-bandage it up and carried on with my morning routine.
Next up: Physiotherapy, then yoga. Trying to not think of anything. Trying to focus on the physical exertions.
Then meditation. Serendipity, my good friend, knocked once again. I was doing Lesson 9 in Headspace that day. It taught how the mind is a pool of water and how life makes it cloudy. When you meditate, it cleans the pool and you can see inside. Sometimes you find good things, other times bad things that cause you pain. But, the lesson says, that’s okay because it’s all part of the process of letting go.
Can’t say I succeeded in letting go of anything. Not even in the same universe of possibility at that moment. But the 10-minute session quieted my sadness and enabled me to get up from my yoga mat to face the day.
Maybe one has to go through pain before one can heal. Well, I don’t know. I’ve just been making all this up as I go along, pretending to have great insights once in a while.
All I know for a certainty is that I don’t want to be sad anymore.