Piers tried to pay me a compliment the other day.
“Your skin is so smooth,” he said.
I was about to modestly protest when he added, “Like a pumpkin.”
“What?” I said.
“No, wait,” he said thoughtfully, “Pumpkins aren’t very smooth, are they?”
“No, they’re not.”
“Okay,” he tried again, “Your skin is as smooth as a peach.”
Obviously, it wasn’t going very well.
I said, “Huh?”
He said, “Peaches have got these little hairs…”
I made a face. “Are you calling me hairy??”
“No, no, of course not,” he said defensively, “Peaches are not hairy.”
“They’re fuzzy,” I told him.
“That’s kinda smooth isn’t it?”
“How is that smooth? It’s fuzzy!”
He thought about it for a while, then said, “Okay, okay, not peach. What should it be then?”
“Tofu,” I said.
“Tofu is slimy!” he declared.
“Yes, it is!”
“It’s a common analogy to say a girl’s skin is soft as tofu!” I said.
(Actually, I’m not sure about that at all. It was just the first thing that popped into my mind. Silken tofu is very soft and smooth, isn’t it?)
“That’s disgusting!” he proclaimed again, “Tofu is slimy and wet.”
“It’s not slimy!”
(Which is true. Tofu may be wet but it’s not slimy at all.)
But he had one last argument.
“If tofu weren’t slimy and wet, Takumi wouldn’t have to worry about spilling it.”
I’m sorry if you haven’t watched Initial D (the Japanese anime) and therefore don’t get the Takumi reference, but don’t worry about it because it’s a stupid reference to begin with.
The point is that, after all that, I didn’t feel at all complimented because the conversation ended on “slimy”.
We didn’t go any further than that; I generally try to change the subject when Piers gets too silly.
Luckily for him, he’s useful in many other ways (such as fixing broken things around the house) so we can happily overlook his flaws (such as likening me to a pumpkin).
For his information (since Valentine’s Day is coming soon), I don’t need roses or compliments. I’ll happily settle for an iPad 3 (and not the gimpy 16GB Wifi one)!