Suddenly, my life has no more purpose

I woke up this morning feeling a sickening emptiness inside me.

Out of habit, I bounced out of bed to wash up so I could quickly have some breakfast to replenish liver glycogen.

But, as I was brushing my teeth, I found myself asking, “Why?”

I completed my California Fitness BodyAge Challenge yesterday, so there is no more reason to be obsessive over my diet anymore.

Groceries

I mean, I still recognise that a good diet is important for general well-being but, in the last two months, there was a purpose to my rigorous dieting.

I pushed myself way beyond comfort zone and was able to keep myself going with the promise of acing the challenge. (I am very inwardly competitive and derive great satisfaction from surpassing my limits.)

For the last two months, with the help of Dr Evil (my personal trainer Eric Goh), I made drastic changes to my diet and lifestyle.

  • I woke up mornings and ate breakfast.
  • I totally gave up desserts and junk food.
  • I went grocery shopping three to four times a week to ensure I was eating enough every day.
  • I started cooking my own meals.
  • I read endless nutrition articles every other day to perfect my diet.
  • I worked out at the gym twice a week and went running once a week.
  • I went to great lengths to make sure I ate the right things at the right time to maximise my workout gains.

I was even stricter on myself than Dr Evil was on me, diet-wise.

In contrast, two months ago, my lifestyle went roughly like this:

Wake up after 12 pm. First meal of the day is potato chips or salty crackers. Sometimes, first meal of the day happens after 7 pm. 80% of diet consists of fried food, junk food, soft drinks. Zero exercise.

The important thing to consider is that, even with such appalling lifestyle and diet, I was still slim and looked pretty much okay, outwardly, so there was no reason to do anything different.

But, with the California Fitness BodyAge Challenge, which measured my insides, I had to make changes to get results.

And I did make the changes and stuck to them rigidly.

Sandwich

I was even obsessive over it, but that’s how I tackle challenges and projects. I go all out and put my whole body and soul into it.

Maybe that’s my drug.

I feel a heightened sense of fulfillment from successfuly completing objectives over and beyond expectations.

There was purpose to my waking early every day. There was purpose to my eating lots of plain hard-boiled eggs and throwing all the yolks away. There was purpose to enduring the twice-weekly gym trips to torture my muscles. There was purpose to waking up at 6 am to run.

I even looked forward to every day with excitement.

Sheylara

The purpose was to get a good result for the BodyAge Challenge and also, very importantly, to not fail Dr Evil, who had dedicated his time and energy in helping me achieve my goals.

And, suddenly, now, it’s all over.

I won’t tell you my results yet because the challenge is not officially over. The other participants have yet to complete their sessions.

But it’s over for me and I feel very lost and empty.

I had a feast last night to celebrate. We had a buffet dinner at Curry Favor and I went crazy with the curries and rice and fried stuff. Even plain white rice has become a luxury for me because I haven’t been able to eat carbs after 6 pm for two months.

After that, we had the most amazing alcoholic ice cream at Udders (separate post on that to come).

Ice Cream

It was nice but, even then, the emptiness was already starting to build up within me.

There was a fear that I would wake up the next day feeling lost.

The fear was founded. I woke up today filled with dread.

After going “clean” for two months, I suddenly feel reluctant to stuff my body with salt and fats and other evil things. I feel at the same time repulsed and attracted to them.

I feel directionless. To eat or not to eat? I have the freedom to eat anything I want now and I find myself plagued with conflicting thoughts, instead.

Half

And, in fact, thinking about eating all the favourite foods I’ve been deprived of makes me feel even worse because I’d be undoing everything I’ve worked so hard for.

I realise I can still carry on with my “healthy lifestyle” and continue a clean diet (but being a lot less obsessive over it), and I will still continue an exercise routine.

But it’s not the same anymore.

There is no D-Day to look forward to. There is no prize at the finishing line. There is no Dr Evil to answer to. There is only the promise of a fitter, healthier, sexier me in the long run, but that’s not really something tangible or exciting to look forward to, so it can’t invoke the same kind of discipline.

Especially since I am already slim by nature without having to diet for it. I can eat Big Macs and fries every day and still look the same.

Sheylara

What I’m feeling now is akin to withdrawal. I was on a high of pursuing a goal intensely and now I’m crashing.

For two months, I was literally intoxicated on the excitement of reaching a goal. Now, the goal is gone, the adrenaline is gone, and I am on a total, devastating down.

I know what I’m feeling is temporary and I’ll get over it as I find new challenges and goals for myself. I get this all the time, with post-production blues.

But, in the meantime, I’m a sad little lost ghost and it’s not a good feeling.

Sheylara at the gym

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38 thoughts on “Suddenly, my life has no more purpose

  1. Avatar

    @Sheylara: Yeah, the same thoughts went through my mind as well, having followed your health and fitness journey with great interest the past 2 months. Its just like completing your first playthrough of any game… okay, now what? Is there replay value? Only in this case, there IS replay value, coz you’ve been taught some very useful knowledge that you can apply for your own benefit and well-being:) Hang in there… you’re in for some chop:)

  2. Avatar

    you know what I do when I bored with life?

    I pick a day of the week and deliberately does something special or something I’ve never done before by myself on that day.

    Last tuesday I went to watch legend of chun li by myself(movie sucked), last last tuesday I tried making DIY root beer float, and I remember taking a longer route home on a tueday just to see how it feels like.

    It may sound kinda silly and lame in theory, but it gives you something to look forward to every week :)

  3. Avatar

    Mostly unrelated to the largest part of your posting, but Udders just opened a second shop at West Mall in Bukit Batok!
    But the setting of the shop at Novena is much nicer…. ice cream is great at both, though ;)

  4. Avatar

    tvbaddict: Haiya… challenges don’t grow on trees lor. :P

    RN1209: Nice analogy! But then, don’t you think that replaying is never as fun as the first time?

    plankton: That’s nice for you! I’m not bored with my life, though. There are too many things waiting for me to do! And I’m still as busy with work as usual.

    I’m just feeling the effects of losing something. It’s the feeling you get when, say, you break up with your gf/bf and you know when you wake up the next day, you don’t feel like getting up because something is missing in your life?

    And people can tell you there are other fish in the sea and all that, but currently, you feel like only that one fish can fulfill you.

    Rena: Huh? Why would they have two shops in the same mall?

  5. Avatar

    I don’t think that was Rena… :P

    And Rene is probably refering to the shop that Wang Wang keeps going back to… 2nd shop, in relation to the original at Novena?

  6. Avatar

    There is a way not to miss it. Keep doing it. At least in some form.
    You’re getting ripped now. It’s very much worth it to keep it up.

    Rip on, Shey!

  7. Avatar

    It’s a lifestyle! u came from doing nothing now u gg back to doing nothing
    n DAM IT.. the sandwich with the lettuce, ham n mushroom looks GREAT! Give u a purpose in life now: make 1 of that sandwich everyday, give it away and make ppl (me) happy!

  8. Avatar

    Realliveman: Well, like I said, I could keep doing it, and I will, but it’s not the same when there is no end point and no one to report to. LOL.

    Let me give you an analogy.

    When I’m doing weights and I’m in my third set and feeling like my arms are gonna break and I have no strength anymore, and Dr Evil says, “Okay just 5 more,” I’ll suddenly mysteriously gain energy and burst through the last 5.

    It’s like, knowing there’s a specific finishing line and there’s a reward waiting for you there gives you the motivation to stick through it.

    In the weights case, being able to stop is the reward. lol.

  9. Avatar

    Ben: Haha… the ham in my sandwich is 100% lean chicken meat ham and there’s no butter or mayo or anything like that in the sandwich. It’s all plain and dry. You sure you want that? :P

  10. Avatar

    Hahaha! So envious!

    I’ve always wanted to be like slim, slim but I’m naturally a bit meatier than you and it’s a pain to change that since I’m not really like fat, fat. XD

  11. Avatar

    Sheylara, I know!!! Since you having withdrawal symptoms, set yourself a new goal for the next 2 months, do the same thing you had done, BUT this time, it’s The Goonfather’s turn!!!! Then you can become Dr Evil!!! maybe more fulfilment for you??? *evil laugh*

  12. Avatar

    Motivation comes from inside, Sheylara :). Only you can “motivate” you to do something. Everything else is just a suggestion. :)

  13. Avatar

    Shu Fen: Don’t envy me lah. I’m really unhealthy. :P I think I can be slim cos I skip a lot of breakfast and lunch and then pig out during dinner. lol. v v v v v bad.

    kel: Heh, thanks, I guess.

    random: Sorry, I’m not sure. Every store will have a different price. You can call them up to ask, like Gamescore or Tenchi.

    STUMPBO: Hahahaha, good idea. But the Goonfather is not as motivated a student as me when it comes to dieting and fitness… I think I will vomit blood and die first before 2 months is up. :P

    Realliveman: I know that. And I’m saying directly that I can’t be motivated to keep a healthy diet and a healthy lifestyle because there is no immediate, apparent reason for me to do so. And I don’t generally spend time and energy working on something that doesn’t mean anything to me.

    Lex: Hehe.. I’m doing a full post on it tomorrow… got part 2. Watch out for it. :P

  14. Avatar

    I see.

    Don’t take this the wrong way, but isn’t working out and being health (extra healthy), looking and feeling good worth the effort?

  15. Avatar

    Um… not really… cos I look (and fee) about the same whether I work out or not, lol. Well, am a bit more buff after working out, but not something people will notice the difference in if they didn’t know I was working out. :P

  16. Avatar

    “Steamed buns and sesame paste combined have nothing on durians”.

    Yeah, you keep beleiving that :)

    Filling? Pork or chicken, or, vegetable. Sometimes black sesame paste.

    How may flavors do your durians have????? :)

  17. Avatar

    Bad and worse are NOT flavors!! :)

    There is some metion of chocolate on the site but you would have to coat it with 10 pounds of it to cover the original taste of the durian. :)

    And I am sure there are more bun flavors and durian flavors!

    Now you are asking for it. Challange!!

  18. Avatar

    2 months was too short. sounds like you’re neither fully into a ‘healthy’ lifestyle nor totally finished giving up your previously unhealthy lifestyle practices.

    sign up for more sessions with the gym then; am sure your trainer will find a way to set a goal for you to look forward to :)

  19. Avatar

    I was in kinda the same situation..

    i was never the kind that liked exercise – i’d prefer to dedicate my time to the almightly MMORPG god than to sweat and workout… :p

    A while ago, the S.O. decided to join a gym to keep fit, under the influence of colleagues.. so she asked me along, so we have a common goal and companionship for working out . so i did, and we started going together regularly.. but as time wore on, she kinda lost the drive ( at the same time with that bunch of colleagues) and started to lapse in her sessions, and eventually terminated the membership.

    Well, you can imagine, that kinda left me hanging and feeling a bit aimless.. my way of tackling it was to persevere… keep pushing myself to go, even though i dont have a specific target to achieve and even though i felt pointless at times. it helped in a way, i got so used to it that it became part of my weekly routine, and i stopped requiring a reason to push myself to do it. in fact, nowadays, i feel weird if i don’t hit my weekly gym quota!

    Well, the good side effect is, I’m much more fit and tone that i was 2 years ago.. at the same time, I’m still piously making my offerings to the almightly MMORPG! :)

  20. Avatar

    Hehe, ok, my posting was already clarified. I meant a second one BESIDES the one at Novena. A third one (besides the other two ;) ) somewhere in Bukit Timah (“Next baby coming out on 19 June at Lorong Kilat (Upper Bukit Timah, near Beauty World). ” http://www.udders.com.sg/) should also be open by now

  21. Avatar

    Realliveman: Haha… so where are the bun flavours?

    Kim: Personal training is very, very expensive. :P Anyway, I wasn’t actively looking for a healthy lifestyle. I only did it cos it was a challenge, lol.

    Well, like I said, I will continue with an exercise routine, but will be doing more running at the park, instead. And without an official “challenge”, it’s just not the same. Heh.

    Numby: Achievements are nice, heheh.

    Rykarx: That’s a good story! Pity your S.O. didn’t persist.

    Rene: Yeah, I saw that. :) Sorry, I misunderstood your words! I think the Novena one is the most convenient for me to go to. :P

  22. Avatar

    Sheylara: Lots and lots. All you have to do is go to a few hawlker stalls that sell them and as them what flavors they have. :)

  23. Avatar

    I would love to have that sandwich! i dont put any butter or kaya in my sandwiches for that matter! I will be a happy man to have that for breakfast! i have Subway for breakfast almost every weekday!

  24. Avatar

    It’s impressive you went from a junky diet to a much healthier one with consistent exercise. You said you didn’t’t feel any difference before or after the 2-month challenge. That’s kind of a pity because you SHOULD feel better — more alert, energized, lighter, more focused, with a pep in your step. Perhaps you need to intensify your exercise/health routine?

    You certainly look fabulous – no doubt about it but please don’t fill your body with junk because it could creep up on you. Could be aging skin or sudden weight gain… I used to be like you – lol – I ate anything and nothing junky reflected on my body but when I reached the big 3-0, man did I puff up. Just some friendly advice :) But ultimately, good on you to take up the challenge. I’m sure it changed your outlook in some way re health and fitness :):):)

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