So, I’m leaving for KL first thing tomorrow morning to star in my first feature film and I’ve developed a humongous pimple on my forehead.
It’s probably stress that caused it, although it’s not stress over having to star in a feature film, but stress over having to finish up all my work and projects and tie up loose ends before stepping into beautiful Malaysia, Truly Asia, where I will have no access to my life-saving dual 19″ LCD monitors and 24/7 mobile broadband.
I will, instead, be hunched over, squinting at my mini laptop in the middle of the night (after filming), trying to fulfill all my blogging and e-mail quota for the day before I go blind and grow even more pimples.
Critics will no doubt have a field day praising me for my acting chops by calling me Shen Qiaoyun the Pimple Girl, whose show-stealing pimple deserves an Oscar for being so very realistic in its portrayal of a pimple.
I have one day left to get all my business in order but I still have 46,394 years worth of business to get in order.
So, to heck with everything. If something isn’t done, it’ll just have to wait till I’m back.
In the meantime, I will (unless my director abducts me to some ulu part of Malaysia where wireless Internet access will cost me about $36,000 per kilobyte because I’ll have to call home for the connection) still be updating this blog daily (weather permitting) with all the juicy details of my alien abduction (limbs permitting).
Thankfully, I will at least get to enjoy a couple of nights of civilisation. One of the hotels we’ll be staying in is Hotel Istana, a five-star hotel that features a cute girl performing a manicure in your bed.
We will kind of be driving around the country like nomads (but with a car), ending up in Penang for the last leg of our trip, and I don’t know yet what other hotels (or hovels) are in store for us.
Okay, I’m lazy, plus I’m running out of time, so I’m going to plagiarise my own blog and copy wholesale what I’ve written in my Xbox blog, okay?
Okay! (I gave myself permission to plagiarise myself.)
Woah! Yes! You saw right! The Xbox team is now on the lookout for a new Xbox Xpert to join me in my mission to shape the Xbox outreach in Singapore!
This means that one awesome person will get to do all the crazy stuff I’ve been doing here, and Xbox gamers will have more opportunities to interact with the Xbox team in Singapore!
The good news is that you don’t have to be a female. Or a male, for the matter. (Of course, it would be nice if you had a specific gender but either one is fine.)
What we really want are people with passion, people with a desire to help bring gamers together, people with the secret ambition to convert every last human being in the world into being an Xbox gamer! Mwahahaha.
Kidding about the last bit. That’s just me.
Very importantly, you should be an Xbox gamer, yourself.
HOW TO BE THE NEXT XPERT?
For a while now, we’ve been quietly building an Xbox Xperts page on Facebook. Sneaky, aren’t we? So, what we want for you to do is go there and upload a 2-minute video telling us why you should be the next Xpert.
Be creative as you can, but don’t break any laws doing it!
Before anything else, here’s a video of me playing Rock Band at the Xbox Xperience Zone last week, at Challenger Funan! I’m on the drums.
This was the last song I “performed” before I left the event. We had asked for volunteers to jam with me, but the crowd at the time happened to be super shy, so my real friends (who were there to support me) volunteered, so that I could finish up, pack up and go home! LOL.
My friends are sweet!
The Xbox Xperience Zone is a new space created by the Singapore Xbox Team to allow gamers to try the latest games and learn more about the Xbox from trained staff in the zone.
The first XXZ was launched last week at Challenger Funan, in conjuction with the launch of Rock Band for Asia and Infinite Undiscovery, the popular Square Enix Xbox 360 exclusive.
It was also an opportunity to meet with Xbox fans and be totally decadent by playing games on the job!
Since Rock Band is such a cool game, I spent most of my three hours there playing it! Heh.
I also chattered on (I can’t remember now what I was talking about)…
…and camwhored with my standee!
We held two Rock Band competitions within three hours and winners walked away with exclusive Xbox 360 bags and watches!
The fans really loved it!
And check out this little drummer!
He had a lot of difficulty following the coloured bars on the screen, but he kept persisting and wanted to get it right. Good boy! But his father was so worried about his little boy hogging the drums that he kept telling his son, “Enough, boy, let’s go!” Good man! LOL.
And tons of photos with Xbox fans!
See, we had so much fun! A shame if you weren’t there!! ;)
Multitudes of people have been kindly informing me via SMS that they have seen me on this bus that plies Orchard Road.
I reply, “I don’t take buses in Orchard lah.”
And they say, “I MEAN YOUR PHOTO LAH, IDIOT.”
So, I’m on a bus and now, I have photos of me beside me being on the bus!
We had to cheat a bit.
The Xbox Team arranged for the Xpert bus to be made available to us one sunny afternoon, so we could take photos of it without having to go camp Orchard Road like desperados, armed with ready cameras on tripods.
So, here’s the bus! TA-DAH!!
Does seeing this bus make you feel an uncontrollable urge to pick up an Xbox 360 to play? It’d better, or we’ll want our money back from the Secret Department of Subliminal Domination. We had subliminal messages magically weaved into the images on the bus saying, “Play Xbox!”
Oh wait, I think I’m not supposed to tell you that.
Right, enough of buses. Don’t later people say I sua ku, like never see bus before like that.
(That last sentence, by the way, was a very fine specimen of Singlish, which I’m sure non-Singaporeans will be very impressed with because they don’t understand what the hell we’re saying when we lapse into that.)
The first time I got into a Halo 3 multiplayer game was with a bunch of International strangers and it was my very first time playing that game. I didn’t even know what buttons to press and what I was supposed to do.
Needless to say, I died countless horrible deaths.
Last Saturday, I got invited into a game by a group of Singapore gamers whom I had gotten to know through Xbox LIVE. They were cool! They took the time to teach me how to play the game before they thrashed me!
First, though, we all gathered at the beach to take some screenshots because, unbeknownst to me, it was Halo 3’s first anniversary!
Screenshot by Merdeka
There was a lot of screaming and shouting as a few jokers started killing everyone while people were trying to get in position for the photograph. Then the dead ones had to respawn and run back to the beach, cursing and swearing.
It was hilarious.
At one point of time, one of the guys asked me to jump on the back of his vehicle for the photo.. So I did.
And then he drove off with me clinging on for dear life.
The others yelled at him and asked him to bring me back but he just laughed.
And then one of the other guys shot him dead and he fell off the vehicle.
With 10 players in the game all talking at once, it was quite a mess!
Anyway, we finally managed to get some nice screenshots, and then we started the game.
I did quite well. In one hour, I managed to kill about three people.
In comparison, I was killed about 3,000 times.
Wootage. It was fun.
Screenshot of me by Merdeka. I’m gonna get pink armor the next time.
So, here’s the important announcement: There is no contest today because there will be no GGF next week!
I am applying for a one-week leave and if you don’t give it to me, I quit!
Seriously, I can’t do GGF next week because I’m travelling to KL and Penang for a feature film shoot and it’s going to occupy most of my time.
I will still update my blog as daily as possible during the week I’m there, to tell you all about the exciting torments that my director will be putting me through, but I will be out of the gaming scene, for sure.
I toyed around with the idea of making the Goonfather step in for me, and calling next week’s issue Gamer Goon Father, but then he told me that his idea of a good gaming blogazine looks something like this:
1. The Force Unleashed
Freaking good game. Buy it!!
2. Brothers in Arms: Hell’s Highway
Has great reviews. Didn’t try cos too busy playing The Force Unleashed.
3. Tom Clancy’s EndWar
Coming soon! But play The Force Unleashed first.
4. Fable II
Play THE FORCE UNLEASHED a million times and get all the holocrons!
I’m of the opinion that you readers might just prefer that GGF takes a break for a week. Business will resume on Oct 17!
In the meantime, you should still continue reading Sheylara.com for daily rubbish and Xperts.com.sg for Xbox gaming updates!
I have come up with a very clever plan. I am brilliant!!
When I don’t have time to blog (like today, because I just came home from a morning photoshoot and now I’ve got to rush off to a meeting, and then I have a media event in the evening, followed by Xbox duty at night), I shall play cheat!
See, I have two years’ worth of blog posts dated 2004-2005 which I never migrated to WordPress because they’re scared of heights.
So they’re not in the archive, which means I can regurgitate selected old posts here because you probably haven’t read them (unless you’re one of those dear old friends of mine whom I forced to read my blog since I was about two years old).
The following post first appeared on Sheylara.com on March 23, 2004. It kind of explains why I am always “too busy to eat”.
Rules Of Living Bite Me
I hate this time of the day because it’s time to eat.
No, it has nothing to do with dieting so get off my back. It’s more the fact that I have just woken up and the only thing I feel like doing is parking myself in front of the computer till death do us part.
The only foil to my brilliantly concocted plans is that it’s time for lunch and there is nothing left in my snack basket. Plus I’m supposed to be on a health kick so I need to eat a balanced meal. Which leaves me the following attractive options:
1. Starve to death
2. Cook myself something
3. Take a walk to the nearby coffee shop
Option #1 is certainly out of the question since I have yet to marry Colin Farrell and I’m sure my being dead would place me at a severe disadvantage when going up against ladies in the calibre of Britney Speares and Kim Bordenave, who, incidentally, is the mother of Colin’s latest infant son.
Option #2 is only slightly more attractive because I can’t bring myself to cook healthy, balanced meals. Cooking should be an enjoyable process, meaning you have to cook what you’ll enjoy eating, meaning healthy food is out of the question since healthy food, by definition, sucks.
Option #3 is therefore, by default, the only viable option. Except have you seen the kind of food they sell at local coffee shops?
Char kway teow, fried chicken, Hainanese chicken rice, laksa, fried carrot cake. What is up with Singapore? Nowhere (within 100 metres from my place) can I buy a proper meal containing all the essential food groups in the correct proportions as endorsed ad nauseum by the National Kidney Foundation.
So, the only thing I can do is blog and conveniently forget that I have to eat.
Actually, I have a hidden agenda. You may think I have something against eating, which I really don’t because I love bah kua. But, today, the point in my eloquent tirade is that I want to rebel against the Rules of Living.
Why must it always be the same every day?
Sleep. Get woken up by alarm clock. Wake up. Brush teeth. Shower. Eat breakfast. Get to work/Attach mouse and keyboard to self.
I get so sick of doing the same thing every day that I sometimes mix up the order in a creative frenzy. Hence:
Get woken up by alarm clock. Sleep for four more hours. Wake up. Get to work/Attach mouse and keyboard to self. Eat breakfast (lunch? dinner?). Brush teeth.
With all that shuffling around, I sometimes manage to deceive myself into thinking that I have successfully beaten the system. Rules of Living bite me!
If you’re pretty astute, you would realise that I am still horribly IN the system. I am still bound by the Rules of Living because I still have to eat and sleep and shower and work or play and all the rest of it.
Shuffling the order around is SO not changing anything.
You may say I have a choice. I can choose not to eat. I can choose not to shower. I can choose not to work. However, if I did that, I would soon find myself bound by the Rules of Death, instead. Don’t ask me how one can die by not brushing one’s teeth. Use your imagination.
And I can be quite sure that, wherever you are, whether in the land of the living or the dead, you’ll be equally bound by rules anyway, so what’s the point of dying?
Right. By now, I have managed to tickle the Rules of Living a little by typing out this little ditty instead of getting lunch and my gastric is foaming at the mouth (assuming it has a mouth, which it doesn’t, but just pretend anyway) and my stomach is protesting the foam.
Which leaves me only one thing to do. I need to get a new lipstick colour.
Uh oh. I think telemarketers are beginning to wise up to the Goonfather. If, one day, he stops being able to tease them, he’s going to blame me, I think.
Here’s the latest Goonscapade with a female telemarketer from a makeover studio.
Telemarketer: Good afternoon, I’m calling from XXX Studio and would like to invite you to our studio for a professional makeover and photoshoot for free.
The Goonfather: But I don’t need a makeover.
Telemarketer: Why don’t you just give it a try, sir? We’ll make you look very nice.
The Goonfather: Are you going to put makeup on me?
Telemarketer: We will do free makeup for you.
The Goonfather: I’m not a girl.
Telemarketer: Actually, makeup for guys is very common nowadays lah. All the male celebrities use makeup to look better on TV and photos.
The Goonfather: Do I sound like a fag to you?
Telemarketer: Hahaha. No lah, it’ll be unnoticeable one. Do you have a girlfriend?
The Goonfather: No.
Telemarketer: Oh. How about any female friends? You can bring a girl to do the makeover and photoshoot together. We have different clothes and backgrounds for you to choose from. We can do very nice couple photos.
The Goonfather: I see. But I don’t have any girl to bring leh.
Telemarketer: Oh. That’s okay, we can do solo photos also. So you want to give it a try?
The Goonfather: How about you be my partner for the photoshoot? We take photos together lah.
Telemarketer: Er… no, I don’t want.
Telemarketer: So, you’re not interested in our offer right? Okay, bye.
I wasn’t physically with the Goonfather when he took this call. But I would have loved to have seen his face when the telemarketer hung up on him.