102 Comments » So, I was lying in bed for three hours, thinking about killing myself.
But it’s so much work and I’m too lazy.
I’m always thinking of effective ways to die. But suicide is either too painful or too troublesome, you know?
Throw myself at a speeding car? Not foolproof and could be bloody.
Lie on the road and wait for a vehicle to run over me? That’s gross. Innards flying all over. Severed limbs.
Jump into an MRT track? SMRT staff will curse me for eternity for giving them yet another mess to clean up.
Jump off a tall building? Too inconsiderate. Think of the people who have to clean up and the witnesses who will be traumatised for life.
Cut myself, stab myself, club myself? Too personal.
Overdose on panadol? Not foolproof and the nausea is worse than dying.
Carbon monoxide poisoning? Not sure how to rig it. Too troublesome.
Gas poisoning? I don’t live alone.
There is no good way at all to kill oneself.
The thought of having to plan a good suicide and actually getting up to do it makes me feel tired already. It’s not fun and I don’t like doing not-fun things.
And then, there are the moral aspects.
I don’t want to hurt the people I love who love me.
But I wonder.
How many people will grieve over my death?
I mean truly grieve. I don’t mean like, “Aw, such a pity she’s dead. How sad, I think I’ll miss her.” That’s bullshit. I mean grieve as in feel the pain of loss, the pain like a hole cut out of your heart that will never heal.
How many people will actually feel pained over the cessation of my existence?
I don’t know. I’m thinking maybe a handful, like family. Even then, I don’t see why they should even feel it. I don’t think I value-add anyone’s life. Not a one. Yes, I know I have family who loves me. But I don’t do shit for them. Nobody depends on me for anything. I can be gone and the value of their lives won’t change.
Well, sure, I know there are people who think I’m beautiful and talented and that my death would be a bloody waste. But I don’t think they will really grieve, you know? Maybe they’ll feel sad about it for a while because that’s human compassion, but I don’t think my death will cripple them or pain them.
Maybe a few people will blog about my death because it’s good blogging fodder, and they will say things like, “Oh, how sad, what a waste, I’ll miss reading her blog,” or “What a stupid bitch, good riddance.” But I don’t think they will really grieve. They will move on and, tomorrow, they will blog about monkeys in the desert.
My existence doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things so it’s not such a bad thing if I killed myself, is it?
Still, I can’t do it on the off-chance that there are actually people who will grieve.
Now, I know because this post talks about death and suicide, some of you will feel compelled to give me your two cents.
“Don’t kill yourself. It’s not worth it.”
“Don’t be a coward.”
“Life is beautiful. Embrace it, don’t lose it.”
“If u kill you’reself your goin strait to hell becuz god sez so its a sin.”
“can i hav all ur stuff????!!!11!!!!one1!!”
Don’t.
Because, firstly, I’m not going to kill myself. Duh.
Secondly, those words are meaningless. They’re obnoxious and insensitive. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell someone not to kill themselves, especially without having lived in that person’s shoes.
Sure, you can tell me not to. But then be prepared to shoulder all my burdens. Solve all my problems. Soothe all my pain. Give me money.
If you’re not prepared to do any of that, what right do you have to tell anyone not to die? Talk is cheap.
The only people who have the right are parents. “I fucking spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and zillions of hours of my life raising you to this point, you little shit. So you’d better not just up and throw it away on a whim, dammit!”
And then, there’s the aftermath to consider. I mean afterlife (or lack thereof).
Lack would be good. Then death would be a clean end to everything.
But life isn’t easy. I have no reason to believe that death would be any easier.
What if I became a restless ghost doomed for eternity to be bound to the very spot where I chose to take my own life?
That’s a really scary thought. I don’t want to hang out at the same bloody spot for eternity and have stupid humans walk through me or sit on me and I can’t scream at them because they can’t hear me or see me.
Even if they could feel my presence, I’m sure haunting people will get old after a while.
What if I got reincarnated as a cockroach as punishment for suicide? Well, cockroaches have really short lifespans so I guess it’s not too big a problem. But what if I keep getting reincarnated as a cockroach for eternity?
What if there’s really a hell?
What if death is worse than life?
Well, there are too many things to consider. Suicide is so troublesome and has so many consequences. I guess I won’t be doing it any time soon. I’m not free today, anyway. I have tons of work to do.
I guess it’ll have to wait.
Go to Ethiopia. there are great orthodox church with very spiritual base. Get baptized and drink the holy water. then, u will feel reborn again. that is my advise my dear since I believe it is Satan who is pushing u to this direction.
ambi: Thanks for your advice, really. But, uh… why Ethiopia? Aren’t the churches other countries any good?
i feel like killing myself to im only 11 no one will miss me. my mum hates me and my dad will not care
so id just do it im going to 32nd march 2008 whatch the news ill be on it
sophie bibby
help me
Are you serious? Is this an April Fool’s joke? March 32nd == April 1?
Well, if you’re serious, there’s no point in killing yourself. Life is too beautiful to miss. You know, sometimes we misunderstand our parents, we think they hate us, but they are actually doing those things out of love. :D
sophie baby: Ok, i really hope it’s an April Fool’s joke. It looks like it is, as modchip pointed out.
But if it’s not, you can e-mail me to talk. I’m not the best person in the world to help, considering that I did write this blogpost, lol, but I’m a good listener, at the very least. ;)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
COCKROACH!!!
FUCK THAT WOULD BE BAD :|
hehe
I googled “Repetitive panadol overdose” and found this o.O
don’t ask why -___-
To carbon monoxide poison yourself, just start the car in the garage with the doors closed and the AC turned on. It seems like a nice way to die. I know a few people who’s done that.
I shouldn’t have written that, should I? I wouldn’t like to be responsible for your suicide. So don’t do it. OK, let’s face it, the reason I don’t want you to off yourself is that I’d feel guilty and even more suicidal – not that I’d miss you. Of course it’d be a waste for such a talented person, but.. well. The world is too nihilistic to care.
St.Fallen: Haha. Thanks for the info! :P I won’t ask why you’re searching for “repetitive panadol overdose”, though!
Mikaela: Well, it doesn’t matter. I believe the info is widely available on the Internet, anyway. Anyone who really wants to die should be able to find out easily how to do it.
But, like I said, I won’t. Because I’m too lazy. :P So no worries there!
Thank You
anyone who is serious about suicide would never waste their time caring what other people think about it. you arent and if you were you would have done it. people who off themselves are on another level and means to dying dont bother them like you. painless suicide, go get a bundle of herion and shoot it. no pain, no nothing, wont even know your dead. there now you can die. or choose to live because you will die anyway why shorten it. many bitches to fuck.
looking up suicide related blogs, reading them, and sometimes commenting has become a big habit of mine. the more depressed and suicidal i am… well lets just say it’s the internet to the rescue! i haven’t made any new connections because of it. no one has come along who would enlighten me, or give me something to look forward to. but now and again someone’s perspective makes me smile a little, even when i’m thinking about offing myself.
“Sure, you can tell me not to. But then be prepared to shoulder all my burdens. Solve all my problems. Soothe all my pain. Give me money.”
that one made me laugh. Thank you for that.
i’m lazy too. i sleep till three most days. Job? fuck that.
and i’m pissed that jim morrison took all the fun out of being a drug crazed self-destructive poet. that would be like a dream job. except i can’t afford the drugs cause no one likes my poetry.
oh shit i’m ranting about me, now there’s a dull topic.
anyway i just wanted to say thank you again.
and, well yeah. make someone smile. its at least a good distraction.
Thanks for sharing, ishmael. It’s always nice to hear from other people who might have gone through the same shit as I have. And I’m glad I made you laugh for a while. Well, I hope you eventually manage to find something fun to do that is not overrated or too expensive. Peace!
“commit suicide the cool way”… youtube vid.
funny as hell
I googled “I won’t kill myself but I want to die” and came across your posting. Love it! You articulated exactly how I’ve felt for years. I was on the verge of tears this evening and your words made me smile. Thank you.
Wow I never thought of looking up a kill yourself blog, but it is making me feel a bit better. Its been a rough weekend. Working doubles..and waiting tables like I do all the time. It pays the bills.Im in school and yadadya all the normal stuff. BUT Ifeel alone I just wish I could feel good again.I hate this town..fuck all the bitches and rich people and mean people. I cant wait to move …hopefully I get excepted to the university I applied to and can start a whole new life and be the person I really am and blossom into someone who is content and happy with their life. I couldn’t kill myself with a knife gun or anything..I don;t have the guts. I would have to take pills or something…and just fall asleep with no worries or fears. I wish I was a little girl and could take away all my mistakes and people would see the sweetheart that I truly am. Im very loving and giving and I just need something in life…I think I need spirituality and self worth. Well I guess Il put this butcher knife back in the kitchen and go to sleep because typing is making mesleepy, I really just want to be done sometimes but I hold on to my dreams of being amother and having a beautiful family one day…Welltomorrow is new…I hope if anyone feels lonely out there that they find someway to talk about it. This blog is a good way too. Goodnight
Hi Beth! You may not know me but I’m glad you got over that, it is not worth it. Imagine if you have taken your life – think of all the good things you may have had missed. Life is beautiful, let’s take care of it. Well, good luck on your 2nd life! :)
Beth, sorry to hear you’re going through shit. But I’m glad to hear that you at least have some hope that things could get better and there could be a new life waiting for you.
I’ve gone through shit lots of times in my life but things always do get better. Then they get shit again, and I think it could never get better, but it does. So I think life is about riding out all the shit times and waiting to appreciate the blessings that will come later.
Sorry about saying shit so many times, but life is full of shit. Haha. :P Hey, but hold on to your dreams, girl. If you’re patient, you will feel the love and the happiness someday.
Beth, you probably wont read this because its been so long but I can’t help but respond.
“all the normal stuff. BUT Ifeel alone”
” I wish I was a little girl and could take away all my mistakes and people would see the sweetheart that I truly am. Im very loving and giving and I just need something in life”
..your amazing. your me.
I hope that your ok.
i feel just like that! thx…
Ok then, too bad you don’t have the balls. I hope you grow them soon. This world is way overpopulated. I don’t want to be here either, but since I appreciate beauty, my existence continues. Blow your brains out and make room for another child. You don’t know pain. You are weak and full of shit.
iliraw your disgusting and ignorant. just so ya know.
Life is full of people that hurt you so they deserve the pain that they have caused you and that’s why i plan to do it very soon.
Alvin, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?
Not really but if you want a non bloody way just hang yourself in your attic or basement where few people go
Haha this is awesome. Came upon this randomly and I must say that you’re sentiments (though written over a year ago) are exactly like mine. We might be soul mates (just kidding) But keep thinking about death and life and laziness, cause thats all there is.
Brian: Wow, that’s quite awesome! I mean not awesome that you have those thoughts but awesome that we think alike! lol! Thanks for popping in to share this!
Ok, so i didnt kill myself on the 32nd of march (A.K.A 1st of april.) Because i was to scared to. But there is no point in my life, I mean My mum likes me but as soon as a drink touches her lips . . . she turns into ” a monster.” An my problem is she drinks practicly everynight.
My dad is back from working abroud and i did try to tell him that my mum was violent when i was younger towards me but he didnt belive me.
Mum has a way of making me sound like the child from hell that always lies, but im not. Ok so i lie sometimes like “no i didnt eat the last red wine gum dad.” but i guess that doesnt count. Now that I have stopped being bullied as I have now gone into high school but some people still make me feel … “uncmfertible” ? (or however you spell it :) ) And I have my old Bestfriend back my life isnt that bad mum hasnt slapped me for ages now but she still calls me things like , “bitch” and “slag” but i just blank her out now. so I think that killing myself i a bit much now. Life is to short. Now I just TRY to think , “Happy Things” And it gets me through most of the day.
I Truly Enjoy Reading Your Entry As Always… The TigerWood Entry Was Good Too!
You’re Right… Who Will Really Grieve When One’s Gone… I Once Blog About This Entry Too http://eric-see.blogspot.com/2009/03/ocean-thoughts.html
Continue Your Great Life Sheylara… Coz You’ve A Blessed Feature.
And By The Way… If One Is Fated To Die at 70 years of age, but take his/ her own life say 30… He/ She will have to walk-in-circle NON-STOP for the next 40 years in a dark stench huge soiled ground in hell; before the Gate-Of-Hell will open its door for that individual, and the judgement will then begin… AFTER 40 years of Walking-In-Circle.
And those who take their own life… Will never be reborn, ever.
Have a great week! :O)
Its easy, just buy a hydrogen gas cylinder, or nitrogen one… get a regulator valve (which comes with your purchase) and a hose some plastic bag, and some duct tape. Use your imagination and rig your self an effective exit bag
you will fall asleep, no pain, no nausea.. its complete hypoxia at its best
I am in love with a celebrity who could never love me back. I feel helpless and don’t think I can go on like this.
Sorry to hear that. :( I know how it feels when everything seems hopeless.
Hi,
I hear you. I read a novel called ‘Somewhere carnal over 40 winks’ and it helped me a lot. Especially, it opened my eyes to see the bigger picture of life. I hope this book gives you the answer you are after or something even better.
Just fuckin do it already
I say do it. I wanna kill myself too…Im a lazy bitch too
wow your blog got me thinking. I had thought about commiting suicide. I was just banking on maybe what budist believe is the real deal. I sure would hate to be reborn as a roach and then killed like a month later over and over lol. I like to believe theres no wrong way to live life, but its so hard seeing other ppl having so much fun and then you look at your own life and wish it was like that.
@james: Yeah, I know how you feel. Hope your life gets better. It seems impossible at times, but if you keep working at it, you can achieve what you want to.
I’m 13 , it’s Wierd how i feel its like i just cant be in a crowd i feel so Worthless in a way , So instead i’ve been isolated in my room Since the 5th Grade, Never going out with friends , Eaven tho i dont have anny , I havent been to school Since the day after summer break when i thought i had changed.. But i guess i haddnt Changed at all , What i do all day long is Either play Roleplaying Games where i Can feel normal , or Watch movies, Or Anime , I dont know why i love watching ppl in movies or anime , But i think it’s Cause i’m missing out on the real thing , I want to live , just not this way, its Torture , I feel like i just want to end it, I Tried hanging myself , But That diddnt work out Quite well , the rope just broke after about 14-15 secounds of me Hanging , and i well on the floor caughting, So that diddnt work out good. I Have no idea what to do annymore..
Life’s a bitch -.-
Hey Peter, I think I know how you feel. Maybe not everything, but some of it. I know what’s it like to feel worthless and not feel comfortable being around people. That’s something that won’t go away easily so you have to make a choice whether you want to work on it or not. It’s going to be hard, Life is hard, but rewarding if you can work through your problems.
Whatever you believe, you’re not all worthless. You will find people who like you the way you are. Maybe you can make it like a quest. Go out there and get to know people, even if it feels horrible. That’s normal. When you go questing in games, you get hurt but eventually you’re rewarded, right?
Join some clubs in school or something. I’m not sure what you have there.
It might take some time, but you’ll find someone you can feel comfortable with who will make you believe you’re not worthless. Then life will look sweeter and you can live the way you really want to live.
Don’t hide away all the time. That feels just as horrible as going out there and meeting people. You know it, right? So, try something different now.
Good luck! :)
My Life Is To complicated, It Cant get better.
i May Be a Coward For Thinking that way , But thats me
.. I Made a Few friends about a half year ago , But they werent such good ppl
They Were Smoking Cigarettes Eaven Hash , And When They Decided That i just wassnt in to it , they beat the shit out of me and Stole My Phone and my Ipod
, There is just to much to this story , To much to Write it i bet :P
Annyhow , I Hope You are feeling better Sheylara,
And If You Wanna Talk or Something , Add Me On msn ;)
I Filled out the Mail Space Before Writing the Comment, Read it and add me ;)
”-Peter
I love your post :)
@Peter: Aww, sorry to hear that. Thanks for the offer to chat, though. :)
@Lyzz: Thank you!
i agree if someone died then everyone is expected to be hurt but the only ones in pain are the family and the best friend and im going to do it in the morning that oak tree out back will have some company
also ive had to talk my mom my sister and my dad out of suicide i know one of them is gonna do it and it will start a chain of the rest doing it i dont want to be alive when it happens
dont kill ur self people love you
dont kill ur self u have people who love you and would die for you
dont kill your self people love u im not very ppersuive but im telling the turth and god put u on this earth for a purpose
will panadol overdose really kill u?
im planning to kill myself. im 26 and still jobless. i know that im the black sheep of my family. ive done terrible things to them. i really wanted to end this depression. i know that there’s no future waiting for me. my mother is sick and there’s nothing i can do to help her. i don’t believe in god. i know there are a lot of people who are feeling the same way as me and they are able to cope with it. but im not like them. im in a lot of pain right now and my conscience is killing me. my plan of killing myself will start on my birthday. i know that no one can help me stop this, so im just asking you people if what is the easiest way to kill myself painlessly?
glen: I’m really sorry to hear about all your troubles. I totally know how it feels when everything seems hopeless and horrible. The thing is, I don’t think there really are quick and painless AND fail-safe ways to kill yourself. Many people do drugs and sleeping pills and end up not dead and in terrible shape afterwards, so I wouldn’t recommend that. There’s really nothing to recommend in this department, sorry.
Sometimes, life never gets better, but sometimes it does and kind of makes up for the pain and suffering we’ve gone through. Sometimes, miracles happen. And not because there’s a god or whatever, but because life is just like that. I hope something good happens to you. All the best.