I want to kill myself but I’m too lazy (PG)
Sat, 5 January 2008 12:41 pmSo, I was lying in bed for three hours, thinking about killing myself.
But it’s so much work and I’m too lazy.
I’m always thinking of effective ways to die. But suicide is either too painful or too troublesome, you know?
Throw myself at a speeding car? Not foolproof and could be bloody.
Lie on the road and wait for a vehicle to run over me? That’s gross. Innards flying all over. Severed limbs.
Jump into an MRT track? SMRT staff will curse me for eternity for giving them yet another mess to clean up.
Jump off a tall building? Too inconsiderate. Think of the people who have to clean up and the witnesses who will be traumatised for life.
Cut myself, stab myself, club myself? Too personal.
Overdose on panadol? Not foolproof and the nausea is worse than dying.
Carbon monoxide poisoning? Not sure how to rig it. Too troublesome.
Gas poisoning? I don’t live alone.
There is no good way at all to kill oneself.
The thought of having to plan a good suicide and actually getting up to do it makes me feel tired already. It’s not fun and I don’t like doing not-fun things.
And then, there are the moral aspects.
I don’t want to hurt the people I love who love me.
But I wonder.
How many people will grieve over my death?
I mean truly grieve. I don’t mean like, “Aw, such a pity she’s dead. How sad, I think I’ll miss her.” That’s bullshit. I mean grieve as in feel the pain of loss, the pain like a hole cut out of your heart that will never heal.
How many people will actually feel pained over the cessation of my existence?
I don’t know. I’m thinking maybe a handful, like family. Even then, I don’t see why they should even feel it. I don’t think I value-add anyone’s life. Not a one. Yes, I know I have family who loves me. But I don’t do shit for them. Nobody depends on me for anything. I can be gone and the value of their lives won’t change.
Well, sure, I know there are people who think I’m beautiful and talented and that my death would be a bloody waste. But I don’t think they will really grieve, you know? Maybe they’ll feel sad about it for a while because that’s human compassion, but I don’t think my death will cripple them or pain them.
Maybe a few people will blog about my death because it’s good blogging fodder, and they will say things like, “Oh, how sad, what a waste, I’ll miss reading her blog,” or “What a stupid bitch, good riddance.” But I don’t think they will really grieve. They will move on and, tomorrow, they will blog about monkeys in the desert.
My existence doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things so it’s not such a bad thing if I killed myself, is it?
Still, I can’t do it on the off-chance that there are actually people who will grieve.
Now, I know because this post talks about death and suicide, some of you will feel compelled to give me your two cents.
“Don’t kill yourself. It’s not worth it.”
“Don’t be a coward.”
“Life is beautiful. Embrace it, don’t lose it.”
“If u kill you’reself your goin strait to hell becuz god sez so its a sin.”
“can i hav all ur stuff????!!!11!!!!one1!!”
Don’t.
Because, firstly, I’m not going to kill myself. Duh.
Secondly, those words are meaningless. They’re obnoxious and insensitive. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell someone not to kill themselves, especially without having lived in that person’s shoes.
Sure, you can tell me not to. But then be prepared to shoulder all my burdens. Solve all my problems. Soothe all my pain. Give me money.
If you’re not prepared to do any of that, what right do you have to tell anyone not to die? Talk is cheap.
The only people who have the right are parents. “I fucking spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and zillions of hours of my life raising you to this point, you little shit. So you’d better not just up and throw it away on a whim, dammit!”
And then, there’s the aftermath to consider. I mean afterlife (or lack thereof).
Lack would be good. Then death would be a clean end to everything.
But life isn’t easy. I have no reason to believe that death would be any easier.
What if I became a restless ghost doomed for eternity to be bound to the very spot where I chose to take my own life?
That’s a really scary thought. I don’t want to hang out at the same bloody spot for eternity and have stupid humans walk through me or sit on me and I can’t scream at them because they can’t hear me or see me.
Even if they could feel my presence, I’m sure haunting people will get old after a while.
What if I got reincarnated as a cockroach as punishment for suicide? Well, cockroaches have really short lifespans so I guess it’s not too big a problem. But what if I keep getting reincarnated as a cockroach for eternity?
What if there’s really a hell?
What if death is worse than life?
Well, there are too many things to consider. Suicide is so troublesome and has so many consequences. I guess I won’t be doing it any time soon. I’m not free today, anyway. I have tons of work to do.
I guess it’ll have to wait.
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60 Responses to “I want to kill myself but I’m too lazy (PG)”
Found this rather interesting comic strip about committing suicide, don’t know if you have seen it before.
http://laozhabor.blogspot.com/2007/12/blog-post.html
awww.. dun die… what am I going to do without you? heee
on a more serious note… if you have that kind of inclination… errm, not very healthy…
You need Help? Dr Wind is in da House… I am da health professional :P
doesn’t sound like one hor :P
talking bout killing urself, here’s a link worth looking at. http://www.retrocomputing.net/racconti/umor/coniglio/pandora.beptuui.html
oeii. snap out of it. haha. what lah. it’s saturday! even if u want to die, die on monday. enjoy the weekend. hahaha. :)
*hugs* don’t think morbid stuff, dear. tc
You have a point. This is a great article.
Hmm, btw, just when you are talking about ending your life, yesterday there was news about the abrupt death of MC King (I don’t know if you know him or not..). Many people were rather shocked and really really sad about this, because he’s brought lots of joy and laughters to many people.
Well, if you have time and are interested to know more, you may want to view his blog, and his close friend’s.
http://mcking13.spaces.live.com/
http://972djyongmei.blogspot.com/
Have a nice weekend!
Wow. This was actually pretty interesting, and ironic, since I’ve been doing the same thing the past couple of days. Pretty much covers everything. Something that keeps coming into my thoughts is “Is it too selfish? Is it selfish at all?” It’s all to troublesome in the end.
For some reason I have a “fascination,” so to speak, with knowing what it would be like if I died, either by suicide, some accident, or natural causes. I wish I could die and come back sometimes, and morbid as that seems, and be able to see the reactions of all my friends and family. Maybe I’m just too insecure.
Anyway, this was a good read for me. Glad to know I’m not the only one who thinks about this stuff.
Best of luck to you in the upcoming year.
desmond!!: Yup, I’ve seen this comic strip. I think it’s really well done and heartwarming. But, when I think about it deeper, I realise that it doesn’t make sense. Just because there are people around who are also suffering doesn’t make my suffering any less intense. Everyone has troubles, yes. But, so what? It has no bearings on my life. It just means that some people choose to live with the pain while others choose not to.
Yes, I’ve heard/read about MC King’s passing. I’m sure his fans are all very sad to lose him. But I think they will recover soon enough. it’s his family and very close friends that will feel the pain for a very long time.
Wind: Haha. I already said, I’m not dying. :P And, no, you don’t sound like da health professional. lol no offense.
simon: Haha, ok the cartoons are kinda silly, quite creative, but not particularly entertaining.
Daphne Maia: Haha. Thanks for your jovial message. I like that. I think people should always respond like that, with a touch of humour, to would-be-suiciders. (Not saying I’m one. I’m not!!) :P
modchip: Thank you. :)
Alice: Wow, I’m also glad to know that I’m not the only person thinking this kinda stuff. Thanks for sharing! :) But I’m different from you in the aspect of after death. I don’t want to come back at all and see family and friends. It would be too painful!
When I’m at wakes, I always have this thought: We’re all sitting around this dead person, mourning for him, right? What if his soul is hovering about and he can see us? Wouldn’t it be the ultimate sad thing for him? To be so near all his loved ones and friends yet cannot interact with them. Wouldn’t he feel so alone? Wouldn’t his heart shatter into a million pieces to see his mother or wife crying for him 24/7? Wouldn’t he feel sad if he realises that his best friends didn’t come to the wake to “visit” him? Etc.
When I’m at wakes, I feel really really really sad for the dead. I hope for them that death is the end and they can’t come back and see us.
qiaoyun, why would you even think of suiciding? from you blog, you seen like a person with full of life. you have a acting career! how many people wanted that!
usually people who suicide are people who is sick, financial problem, their lover left them..
what’s your problem? you might want to discuss with your goonfather….
Yeah, that’s true. It’s an interesting perspective I’ve never really thought about before. It would be really sad to see that, but in someways that would be the point. Just to see who cares enough to BE that way. Of course I’d only want to do that if I could back from the dead with this knowledge and live a normal fulfilling life, only knowing who really cares and who doesn’t as much and I thought they did (though that could be really painful as it is). xD But death doesn’t work that way, once you’re dead, you’re dead, which is probably a good selling point on both sides of suicide, depending on your life situation. On one hand you’re gone forever doing who knows what if anything at all, and on the other you have the opportunity to “live life to the fullest” and also touch the lives of so many people around you. Fortunately it’s much easier to take the coward’s coward’s way out and just live and make your mark on the world than just ‘be a coward’ and die. But like you said above, it depends on the situation, and no one really has the right to say whether your choice is the best one or not. Who’s to say that it’s cowardice or not? I personally think it’s the opposite, because it takes a lot of effort and time to plan a suicide, not to mention the potential pain. I feel sorry for those that get stuck in between. It must be awful.
I don’t really like wakes and funerals just because they *are* too sad. While I understand why it’s a sad occasion, I think the one who died would rather have people celebrating their life and grieving over their death, at least not in his/her “presence”. It seems rude, and also impossible, to be happy though, especially when your heart feels so much loss.
Hmm… this is probably going to have me thinking about the thoughts of the dead soon. Ah well, at least I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to do my best in life, so in death I can at least feel somewhat satisfied, if there is any feeling anyway. I think I’d rather be immortalized in that way than just another person who commit suicide. :)
Geez, are you doing research for an upcoming role??
As far as I am concerned: Your food posts alone (combined with your incredible slimness) should ensure you a place in the train to Hell. But then it seems such a waste of time flinging yourself from tall buildings since you are bound to eat yourself into an early grave anyway… :o)
*hugs*
I will give you money ok? But wait til my paycheck comes in first. :)
Easy to say, hard to die.
It’s never easy dying. There’s too much to give up, like food =D
Anyway you commit suicide, and worst if you don’t die in attempt, you will end up in jail like my friend did.
And jail is worst than dying. And hell, who would want to give up life and freedom when there is good food?!?!
Monster,
No, you can’t die! I’ll have less one best friend! And you’re meant to be my kid’s godma. And my kid has not even arrived. Of course I’ll grief. And you know it right.
But having said that, I think about my ‘planned suicide’ all the time. I guess with the baggage that I’ve carried and still am carrying, suicide is always at the back of my head. But rather, I don’t think I’ll ever do it because I hated and sometimes still hate the person who pulled and still pulls the this stunt on me.
I remember reading Veronika Decides to Die and that got me into thinking about my life and stuff and at that point, I started to plan my death as well. But in reality, that would never happen. I try not to believe in suicide. But truth is that it can be hard at times. Anyway, life is so much more to live. Sorry, it sounds a little corny….
Your philo major roots are showing, heh. It’s quite interesting pondering the human condition, at times.
Despite it seeming like its never going to end, I assure you it gets better.
Wanna die hor, make sure the corpse must be nice nice.
If die unglam hor, damn jialat leh.
Bah. Suicide is so blah. I say we all wait for something stupid and random to happen, like getting hit by a bus, or slipping in the shower. At least then, no one will feel bad about cleaning up the mess, and in the end, the living may even have a good laugh about it.
Just hook on this blog for reading, dun die please :D
Played too much Conan??
this is a very traumatising entry..
death by chocolate.. overdose ..
How r u? Nice post for us to ponder …….
For me, just let die come itself because everybody will face death. For now, let us thank God so much and appreciate what He gave us. He creates death and life to test who among us do good deeds. Peace n justice for all, alll the best :)
Muahahaa…… Seems like I have the right to say this…….
Dun DIE!!! Not till I die first! :P And I wont die till I spend our Golden Anniversary. Thats like 49 years more. A long way to go my dear.
I can’t say much cuz you counter every concern in ur entry le..
U are our chief delinquent. u know u hv a special place in my heart… something that’s different from juz normal frens or acquaintances… we weathered some diffcult and hard period in order to reach wat we have now, so I can say for sure that you are really appreciated and valued, to me.
sometimes i also think of it and the aftermath, tears will automatically flow down when I think of my family and morte grieving over me.. just the mere thought will make me want to kick myself hard…
got many swee swee things to look forward.. like bowling, CJ7, etc, many manY!!!
CJ7?!? WTF! lol!!
binary_0011: Some problems can’t be solved just by talking about it. Many times, problems are compounded, maybe even starting from childhood times. That’s why people who see psychiatrists have to go to them for years and years to work through their problems.
I can’t tell you why I think about suicide because I can probably fill an encyclopedia (or two, or three) with the reasons. ;)
Alice: You’re the first person I know who actually agrees that suicide is the opposite of cowardice. I also think that one has to be really brave to commit suicide because it really isn’t easy. But nobody ever agrees with me on that, hehe.
abraxis: I wish I were. ;)
Jesta: Well, people die eventually, whether it’s from old age or from eating. The whole point is that you want to bring forward the process to shorten the pain of the process.
Shelly: Thanks, dear. :) Nah, keep your money for yourself. You deserve your new-found financial freedom! ;)
surfie: I think if one wants to commit suicide, one should do the proper research and preparation to ensure that the suicide is 100% successful. Otherwise, it’s just plain stupid. :P
Monster: You of all people know exactly how it is. We think about it all the time but you know we’ll never do it. So there’s no cause for alarm, is it? :)
Mince Pye: I didn’t major in philosophy. I only took two modules of it. :P But yes, it’s interesting to ponder the human condition. Although I don’t ponder because it’s interesting. I ponder because it’s just something that I do naturally.
Mike M: Yeah, it gets better and then you die. :P
JayWalk: Yup, that’s why suicide is so troublesome and difficult.
abigail road: I’ve been waiting my whole life for things to happen, including death. But it never happens. :)
Ashtar83: Haha, ok. Thanks for reading!
Justin: What about Conan? No, I don’t play it.
starm|st: Is it? I’m sorry. :P I only wanted to share my opinion on death using my own background.
chak: I think that’s gonna be a painful death.
Forumer: Thanks for your suggestion. I think the best death comes in sleep. Just slip away quietly.
The Goonfather: Don’t bluff. You always tell me you want to die young. Duh.
Wang Wang: Thanks, my dear. :) But I don’t see why you should miss me when I’m gone. I always don’t answer your calls and reply your sms-es. Hahaha. :P
Monster,
Agree. We’ll never tell and then we do it. If we want to do it, we won’t tell anyone! So basically, if you talk about it, there’s nothing to be alarmed about!
reading this blog entry make me feel.. somewhat.. err what did you called it.. ?? sad.. maybe..
hmm.. wonder if i would grieve for you then.. (i hope not.. *lol)
is it just me or sometimes girls always thinking like about this kind of thing..
like my friend a few months ago..
wonder if this is ‘that’ time of month.. ??
It seem I’m getting some messages of death from friends and people in the newspapers, miss MC KING, the politician at india?,
as zield say, feel abit sad too if people starts to leave suddenly and for no good reason.
SM : CJ7 ar, the stephen chow movie..
QY : U see ar, after I told you tat you miss or did not return my call/sms, the very next day, u got pick up my call ar! So all’s good baby! ^_^
U hor, really need some spanking~~ piak piak!!!
WW: I know what CJ7 is. WTF is to u!
Oops… those 2 modules you did seem to have stuck in my mind more than they ought to, somehow. To the point where I thought you majored in Philo. Perhaps because you seem to be the philosophical type. ;)
Perhaps it comes to you naturally because you find it interesting, maybe even subconsciously. Haven’t you noticed how things that interest us come oh so naturally? Like playing for hours at a sitting? Heh.
A Great Piece of Exposititory writing over there, eh. Really good. I mean, it’s like saying both Life and Death sucks. Hey, that’s how it is, ease up, girl.
You aren’t alone. I’m on the same boat, or similar otherwise.
Monster: Yup, you got that right! :)
zield: I think it’ll be really strange for someone to grieve over a person they’ve never even met and don’t even know that well. :P And I don’t think it’s only the girls who think these things. I’m sure plenty of guys do, too, just that they don’t talk about it.
Ashtar83: Death happens everyday, so that’s not really surprising. 150,000 people die on average per day.
Wang Wang: Haha, ok, you’re very forgiving. That’s good! :P
Mince Pye: Did I ever mention to you that I hated Philosophy? That’s why I didn’t major in it. Haha. I suppose it’s fun to think about things and philosophise. But it’s not fun to study philosophy at all.
-=}{oT~dEv1L 666=-: Thanks again for the compliment. Well, since you’re in the same boat as I am, cheers to you and ease up, too! ;)
ashtar83 you also come here huh? lol, wat a small world. hmm, it looks like we met each other everywhere huh??? coincident? fate?? damn, too bad you are a guy//
ok let me die… hahahha
Ashtar83: Haha. Why the hurry? It’ll happen when it happens. :P
was just joking and abit disturbed by binary_0011’s reply
Quote[ coincident? fate?? damn, too bad you are a guy// ]
hahaha, and yeah it will happen when it happens.
qiaoqun :
why disturbed leh? dont worry about it, me and astar like to make fun of each other in game, we played city of heroes, come join us lar, very fun one.
here’s the 14 days free trial :
http://www.mmorpg.com/freetrials/cohissue11_trial.cfm
kill yourself ? Don’t lah, otherwise we miss all the great food’s review ! and most importantly, everyone will miss you too, haha…
I been reading about Marilyn Monroe, the great legendary figure and it seems that she think the same way too, and that she attempt suicide no less than two attempts, and the last attempt end her life. Anyway, I be consolidating materials about Marilyn Monroe for forthcoming post.
Now, I wonder why does actress ever think of suicide ?
GeekyCoder wrote: Now, I wonder why does actress ever think of suicide ?
stress……..
Ashtar83/binary_001: Okay, that’s great! I’m glad there are people who know each other on my blog. So fun! I played CoH before. Really enjoyed it, although the missions did get repetitive after a while. I quit when my friends quit because it’s really more fun to play with friends, especially real-life friends.
GeekyCoder: Haha, thanks for saying you will miss my blog. I think many artistes (actors, singers, etc) suffer from depression, or many depressed people become artistes. Kinda goes hand-in-hand.
have to agree playing with real-life friend is fun. then again, not everyone like the same game….for example my real life friends like maple story…….duh….almost 30 yrs liao they still play maple….
ermm…my point is sometime it is difficult go get your RL friends to play the same game.
binary_0011: Well, most of my real-life friends are people I met in online games, so I suppose that kinda helps. I’ve been playing games most of my life, so that’s why most of my friends are gamers. :P
great blog. articulates how i feel on a few issues.
if i knew my mom and two sisters wouldnt grieve the decision would be easier.
anna: Thanks for your comment. :) Obviously, I feel sad when I hear that people relate to my article because I know how they feel. But I suppose it’s good thing for us to know that we’re not alone in this.
Go to Ethiopia. there are great orthodox church with very spiritual base. Get baptized and drink the holy water. then, u will feel reborn again. that is my advise my dear since I believe it is Satan who is pushing u to this direction.
ambi: Thanks for your advice, really. But, uh… why Ethiopia? Aren’t the churches other countries any good?
i feel like killing myself to im only 11 no one will miss me. my mum hates me and my dad will not care
so id just do it im going to 32nd march 2008 whatch the news ill be on it
sophie bibby
help me
Are you serious? Is this an April Fool’s joke? March 32nd == April 1?
Well, if you’re serious, there’s no point in killing yourself. Life is too beautiful to miss. You know, sometimes we misunderstand our parents, we think they hate us, but they are actually doing those things out of love. :D
sophie baby: Ok, i really hope it’s an April Fool’s joke. It looks like it is, as modchip pointed out.
But if it’s not, you can e-mail me to talk. I’m not the best person in the world to help, considering that I did write this blogpost, lol, but I’m a good listener, at the very least. ;)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
COCKROACH!!!
FUCK THAT WOULD BE BAD :|
hehe
I googled “Repetitive panadol overdose” and found this o.O
don’t ask why -___-
To carbon monoxide poison yourself, just start the car in the garage with the doors closed and the AC turned on. It seems like a nice way to die. I know a few people who’s done that.
I shouldn’t have written that, should I? I wouldn’t like to be responsible for your suicide. So don’t do it. OK, let’s face it, the reason I don’t want you to off yourself is that I’d feel guilty and even more suicidal - not that I’d miss you. Of course it’d be a waste for such a talented person, but.. well. The world is too nihilistic to care.
St.Fallen: Haha. Thanks for the info! :P I won’t ask why you’re searching for “repetitive panadol overdose”, though!
Mikaela: Well, it doesn’t matter. I believe the info is widely available on the Internet, anyway. Anyone who really wants to die should be able to find out easily how to do it.
But, like I said, I won’t. Because I’m too lazy. :P So no worries there!
Thank You
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