I finally did it. I disabled my profile on the online actors’ database so that people will stop calling me for auditions.

It’s kinda dumb because I paid $150 for that service (one year of listing + another free year cos I signed up during the promotion). But it has brought me only heartache.

Now, I need a break because this year has been a bad year. I’ve gone for a zillion auditions and only gotten a few lousy jobs.

But, worse than that…

1. I get offered extra roles.
2. I get invited to audition for extra roles.
3. I get invited to audition for the role of a 40+ year old woman.
4. I get offered non-paying or very low-paying jobs.
5. I keep getting crummy, forgettable roles.
6. I keep losing jobs because I have the wrong chemisty with the male lead.
7. I totally suck at auditions

The winds are against my favour this year, so I shall stop fighting it. It’s freaking October already; I’m tired.

In fact, about three months ago, I made the decision to “take a break” before I lose my sanity. But I decided to leave my profile online on the off-chance that I would be “spotted” by someone willing to give me an exciting project to work on.

And I busied myself with other things such as acting classes, acting books and generally trying to improve myself first, instead of actively trying to find jobs.

But when I stopped trying to get jobs, people started calling me nonstop. Except that they were all the wrong people, either calling me to audition for yet another job I wouldn’t be getting, or giving me stupid jobs that insulted my pride.

That’s gone on for three months. After last weekend, I kinda lost it.

I have been so depressed all week I have been overeating and suffering indigestion. I don’t think I’ve put on weight, though. Even if I have, it all goes to the wrong places, anyway, so I’ll still look too skinny.

I’ve been so depressed I can’t even play WoW. It’s that bad. Playing games usually take my mind off my depressions, but now it seems to make it worse.

Anyway, so, I have taken my profile offline and am going to stop reading casting notices and just… stay home and mope.

I DESERVE SOME TIME TO MOPE AFTER TRYING SO HARD FOR THREE YEARS AND HAVING NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT!

By the way, I have disabled comments for this post because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or give me encouraging pats on the back.

I wrote this not to garner sympathy but just to rant.

I don’t think anyone should sympathise with me or feel sorry for me because I chose this path and I accept full responsibility of the consequences.

I have no regrets. If I’d known the results beforehand, I would still have chosen this path.

So, you can say that I’m in perfect control of my misery.

Categories: Acting Journal
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I have just been asked to go audition for a role of a mother in her 40s.

ZOMG WTF.

Categories: Acting Journal
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Mood meter: Low.

Went for a TVC audition today and I was terrible like a camera-shy newbie.

It was a young housewife role.

I know I’m supposed to shed my auntie image but I’m not going to argue with money. TVCs are great money and I would act as a grandmother if they paid me.

Anyway, they wanted me to say the lines very auntie, very ah soh, like a gossipy housewife hanging out at the wet market. You know the kind?

I performed take after take after take. Somehow, I just couldn’t do it properly. Every inch of auntie-ness I ever possessed fled me instantly. It was like I simply couldn’t act like an ah soh if my life depended on it. 

I felt awkard and unnatural in front of the camera and my body gave out self-conscious tics each time a scene ended and I waited for the casting director to say “cut”. I giggled like a self-conscious teenager each time the “cut” came.

WTF WAS WRONG WITH ME?!

OMFG, I WAS SO BAD I OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN SHOT.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Yesterday, I went for a short film audition.

It was a callback (meaning second round of auditions).

We were given two scenes to prepare a week before the callback and, I tell you, I have never put in so much effort into an audition script, ever.

Reason being I love the script, it’s a good story and it’s the most challenging script I’ve ever worked on (has lots of subtext, role within role kinda thing, and very emotional).

So, I worked and worked and worked on it.

Because I was filming Incredible Tales last week, I didn’t have a lot of time, but I worked on the script every free moment I had. I memorised the lines to death, analysed and rehearsed each line individually, and tried out all the different ways I could play each line and feel each emotion.

I worked on the two scenes (four pages) for five consecutive days, which is rather extreme.

I had two competitors and I didn’t think I had a high chance of getting the role because I’m the wrong race. The script says ”preferably caucasian” and I’m the least caucasian-looking one. 

But I worked on it, anyway, because I owe it to my reputation as a serious actress to do a good job at every audition. And because this was a tough role, I worked doubly, triply hard on it. I wanted to give a good performance not strictly to get the job, but for the sake of giving a good performance.

And then, besides filming Incredible Tales and preparing for this audition, I also had another emotional audition (TV drama) to prepare for. It was to be on the same day as the short film audition. So you can imagine my stress level last week.

Saturday was the last day of the Incredible Tales shoot, and then Sunday came. I did some final rehearsing on Sunday morning and was finally satisfied that I was well-prepared for both auditions.

The first one (TV drama) didn’t go as well as I hoped because they changed the script last minute. I had to unlearn and relearn the lines on the spot, and the emotional buildup that I had planned for didn’t work on the new, shortened script.

The second one (short film) went ok. Not as spectacular as I’d hoped, but I didn’t think I was too far off.

After both auditions, I was relieved.

Incredible Tales - DONE

Two back-to-back challenging auditions - DONE

Dieting - DONE

I celebrated the end of stress week by playing WoW and eating McWings, cheesecake and bak kwa for dinner.

Halfway through playing WoW in the night, I got a call from the short film director to tell me that I wasn’t selected. He was very nice about it, saying that all of us acted very well, but he decided to go with a particular actress because she paired better with the male lead to give the film the flavour he wanted.

Which is reasonable. Purely on looks alone, I don’t think I’m very compatible with the male lead because he’s ang moh and I look too oriental.

But I was sad.

I felt a heart-sinking emptiness. Like, after five days of hard work, it’s over. I think it’s the kind of feeling someone would get after being dumped, only milder.

I felt a bit of relief because the role is honestly very hard and I’m not sure I can pull off the entire film. But the disappointment affected me more.

So, after that and today’s embarrassing TVC audition, I wanted to call it quits and run off to Australia to live with emus.

But that was the child in me. The adult in me knew that that’s impossible and I’d just plod on like I always do.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Today, the short film director requested a re-audition because a previously short-listed actor who had dropped out due to time constraints now doesn’t have the time constraints anymore. And the three actresses have been invited back to audition with this other actor because the director wants to find the best possible combination of couple for the film.

So, now, I have another chance. But I don’t think it’s going to make a difference. I think I have the wrong look for this film, anyway.

Yet, I have to try because it’s the right thing to do.

That means stress week isn’t over yet.

Four auditions scheduled for this week so far, including the one today. And I expect more to come.

I hate auditions.

Just give me the freaking job.

=(

Categories: Acting Journal
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I don’t normally do this kind of thing, but because it’s requested by a cute puppy, I’m putting this flyer here to help spread the news.

Do support Bear Bear the Fearsome Rottie (who is more cute than he is fearsome, honestly) and his kind by dropping by at this World Animal Day event.

In case you can’t read the fine print in this shrunk flyer, the event will be held THIS SUNDAY, 8th October, at Bishan Park 2, from 10:30am to 6pm.

For more details, visit the SPCA site.

Who can resist cute puppies?? =)

Categories: Regular Blogs
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I am seized by a sudden urge to reactivate my Star Wars Galaxies account. I miss my pet droid.

You know the droid that looks like a little toaster and makes cute sounds?

In SWG, it’s the cheapest droid and it was my first pet. Later, I got an R2-D2, but I still kept my toaster droid because it always made me smile for being so very cute.

(I don’t remember what it’s really called. I call it toaster droid cos that’s what it looks like.)

Anyway, I suddenly cannot remember the sound that it makes and it’s driving me crazy. I asked the Goonfather because he’s a Star Wars fan, but his reply was, “Like a normal droid sound lor.”

But it’s not lah!

The toaster droid makes a very distinctly cute sound BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER IT all of a sudden.

Any help?

Categories: Gaming Notebook
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