I’m in a deep funk but I can’t cry

I finally did it. I disabled my profile on the online actors’ database so that people will stop calling me for auditions.

It’s kinda dumb because I paid $150 for that service (one year of listing + another free year cos I signed up during the promotion). But it has brought me only heartache.

Now, I need a break because this year has been a bad year. I’ve gone for a zillion auditions and only gotten a few lousy jobs.

But, worse than that…

  1. I get offered extra roles.
  2. I get invited to audition for extra roles.
  3. I get invited to audition for the role of a 40+ year old woman.
  4. I get offered non-paying or very low-paying jobs.
  5. I keep getting crummy, forgettable roles.
  6. I keep losing jobs because I have the wrong chemisty with the male lead.
  7. I totally suck at auditions

The winds are against my favour this year, so I shall stop fighting it. It’s freaking October already; I’m tired.

In fact, about three months ago, I made the decision to “take a break” before I lose my sanity. But I decided to leave my profile online on the off-chance that I would be “spotted” by someone willing to give me an exciting project to work on.

And I busied myself with other things such as acting classes, acting books and generally trying to improve myself first, instead of actively trying to find jobs.

But when I stopped trying to get jobs, people started calling me nonstop. Except that they were all the wrong people, either calling me to audition for yet another job I wouldn’t be getting, or giving me stupid jobs that insulted my pride.

That’s gone on for three months. After last weekend, I kinda lost it.

I have been so depressed all week I have been overeating and suffering indigestion. I don’t think I’ve put on weight, though. Even if I have, it all goes to the wrong places, anyway, so I’ll still look too skinny.

I’ve been so depressed I can’t even play WoW. It’s that bad. Playing games usually take my mind off my depressions, but now it seems to make it worse.

Anyway, so, I have taken my profile offline and am going to stop reading casting notices and just… stay home and mope.

I DESERVE SOME TIME TO MOPE AFTER TRYING SO HARD FOR THREE YEARS AND HAVING NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT!

By the way, I have disabled comments for this post because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or give me encouraging pats on the back.

I wrote this not to garner sympathy but just to rant.

I don’t think anyone should sympathise with me or feel sorry for me because I chose this path and I accept full responsibility of the consequences.

I have no regrets. If I’d known the results beforehand, I would still have chosen this path.

So, you can say that I’m in perfect control of my misery.

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