A very happy, lucky and prosperous Chinese New Year to you!

May the new lunar year be filled with fun and cheers, friends and food, health and wealth and everything else your yearning soul wants!

May you have so much in abundance that it spilleth over!

Then pass some (wealth) over to me!

May your visitings be filled with fat ang pows and yummy bak kuas but devoid of awkward personal questions!

And be nice to doggies! Even little scruffy ones who hate being bathed and groomed!

Have a wonderful long weekend.

Categories: Random Musings
11 Comments »

I thought I was safe from this blog meme business because I don’t really hang out in blogging circles. But Ruok has now broken my clean record of meme-lessness and tagged me to do this one.

Geez.

So, now, I’m forced (by blog ettiquette) to reveal to the whole world the oddities that I have till now kept hidden from public scrutiny.

Yeah, right. You wish.

My five weird facts

1. I fidget all the time, subconsciously. I always find myself playing with my knuckles, my hair, my nails, pinching my arm, pulling on my neck, biting the insides of my lips, doodling on my knees or thighs with my fingernails, tapping my feet. But I do all these subconsciously. And very gently. I’m no masochist! It’s a stupid ugly habit I’m trying to be rid of.

2. I enjoy studying. I discovered that when I went to Australia. I never missed a lecture or tutorial, did extra homework and prefered studying at home to going out with my friends. I can be such a square. But I have to be interested in the subject, of course. The threat of a lifetime without BBQ chicken wings couldn’t make me study quantum physics, for example.

3. When sleeping with another person on the same bed, I have to face away or I’ll feel claustrophobic. Unless it’s a huge bed and we’re at least an arm’s length apart. (This applies only to actual sleeping. I mean, I am quite capable of cuddling up without feeling claustrophobic.)

4. Certain objects with tiny uneven holes frighten me. I discovered this oddity when I was a youngster learning how to make kueh dadar.

You know when you pour the green batter onto the pan to make the pancake, and if it’s really thin, holes will start appearing on the pancake before it’s cooked? I thought it was a really freaky sight and it made all my tiny hairs stand.

Or when I see a leaf 80% poked out with wormholes, I start experiencing the physical reactions of fear, disgust and mild panic.

I don’t know why! Don’t ask me!

5. I still play the “hop on the insides of floor tiles” game occassionally, when I’m bored getting from one place to another. I think it’s part of my fidgety habit. I just have to have something to do all the time or I’d go insane.

And, now, it’s time to tag five people to continue this silly meme. These are people whom Ruok recently indirectly introduced me to, so if you guys want to complain, you know who to look for. Hur hur. 

You’ve been tagged
Mandrake
Cheryo
MakanGuru
Airhole
KingMeng

Categories: Blogs
12 Comments »

Oh my god I’m so ugly.

The bad news is that this is the least ugly picture of the ugly lot. I don’t dare show the others.

When the Goonfather walked past my computer to go to the bathroom, he peeked at the pictures I had open in my Adobe Photoshop. He squinted at them and said, “Ee-yer! Who is this toot!”

*strangles Goonfather*

The good news is that, at the end of the video, I go back to normal.

But the bad news is that I look like the first picture in 70% of the video.

The good news is that the video runs for only 90 seconds. It’s almost like a TV commercial.

According to the client, it will be shown on MRT screens in the Northeast line and at roadshows. I’m glad I don’t know anyone who takes the Northeast line.

Actually, in retrospect, looking ugly for this video is very worth it because it was really fun to act in.

I am this bumbling, loser executive type who gets the brunt of Murphy’s Law. At the end of the video I magically (kinda) transform into a happy, confident chick, thanks to NTUC (which this video is commissioned by).

It’s a comedy. A bit corny, but cute. And very, very fun to act in.

I want to act in comedies and not have to worry about people thinking I’m not good-looking enough to be on TV or in films.

You know how some people are very cruelly practical when it comes to passing judgement on actors and models.

“So ugly still dare to become actress! Wah lau!”

They forget that you need ugly people on TV, too. Yes, even for leading characters. And most comedy shows in Singapore don’t cast unbelievably good-looking actors. They cast real, average-looking people who are funny.

So, that’s what I want to be.

Right. Who am I kidding? I’m lucky to get a job, never mind the choosing part.

He-who-cannot-be-named said that I’m too picky.

No way, man. I did the Carlsberg commercial, didn’t I?

Speaking of which, that commercial is totally playing hide-and-seek with me. Some of you are observant enough to notice that there are four versions and I only appear in one. So far, I have seen all three other versions several times, but I have yet to see mine.

Perhaps it’s for the best. I have been told I look trashy in it.

See, it’s difficult when you’re anywhere above the category of ugly. As long as you’re not ugly, people obssess over your looks. They expect you to look a certain degree of perfection all the time. And if you don’t, it’s your fault.

It’s a stupid world we live in.

Categories: Acting Journal, The Goonfather
17 Comments »

Today, my subject matter is a little weird because I woke up with PMS and I’m feeling grumpy.

Some of you may find it distasteful or disrespectful but you shouldn’t because it isn’t.

So.

You know how people like to talk to dead people?

Either in their thoughts or actually whispering the words or even wailing them out loud, I know people who talk to the dead.

I’m not talking about mediums or bomohs. I mean normal people.

Normal people, like you and me, go to grave sites or columbaries to visit loved ones who have passed away.

And we talk to them as if they can hear us.

Do any of us really think the dead can hear us?

Many people grow up with the subconscious assumption that when people die, they become powerful spirits or souls. These powerful beings can see you, hear you, grant you favours or hurt you. That’s why people are so afraid of ghosts. (I blame the movies for that.)

So people offer prayers to dead loved ones and, besides keeping the dead updated with their lives and how they miss them so much and how life isn’t the same without them, etc, they also ask the dead for favours.

“Please make sure ah boy studies hard for his exam, and give him good marks so he can go to a good school ok?”

“Please give me 4D numbers in my dreams.”

I’ve often wondered about this. If people really believe that the dead are so powerful they know what’s going on in the living world and can grant favours, then why is everyone scared to death of dying?

We should all look forward to being powerful beings who can alter the fates of our still-living loved ones. Or even our enemies.

Have you also wondered: If these spirits/souls can hear or see us when we talk to them, doesn’t that mean they can see us any time of the day, 24/7?

So your dead relative knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.

He knows if you’ve been bad or good.

Etc.

It worries me. Actually, scares me.

When I go to the columbarium to pay respects to my dead relatives, I have to go with the assumption that they know I’m there to “see” them and that they can “hear” me when I think to them. Otherwise, what the hell am I wasting my time there for? Which means I also have to assume that they can see or hear me at any given time of my life. Unless you believe they actually live in the columbarium and are limited to contact within the premises.

Regardless, it all means that my dead relatives also know when I cheat on my bus fare and they can also see me shave my legs in the bathtub.

Ack.

So it’s not a new concept because people already believe that God, or whatever deity they believe in, can see them and judge their actions.

But it’s a bit discomforting to think also that someone, who used to be a peer in your life, can now spy on your every activity just because they passed away before you did.

If we don’t believe that, then why do we talk to the dead?

And why do people believe that their dead parent/ancestor/whoever will watch over them?

And for people who ask for favours and offer flowers and food, and burn paper clothes, cash, cars, credit cards, condominiums, laptops with broadband access…

What are they thinking?

Categories: Random Musings
6 Comments »

I feel blessed. I keep getting pretty daughters.

For free.

The fact that these daughters are only my daughters for the duration of a shoot doesn’t change the fact that I keep getting them. Nor that they’re pretty. Nor that I’m now thinking it’s a sign that I should permanently market myself as an actress in the auntie/mother category.

Here’s my latest daughter:

Isn’t she a sweetie? Like all the rest of my screen daughters, awww.

I also get cute (screen) pets:

Oh, and cute (screen) husbands. Except I forgot to take a photo of my latest husband. But you’ll get to see him maybe in a month or so when the commercial goes on air.

Yes, my commercial roll has indeed rolled on into 2006, although it could have stopped rolling now, I don’t know. You can never tell with them rolly things.

Anyhow, this time, I’m endorsing a Kao household product as a mother. Eek.

The good news is that I’m supposed to act cute. Hahaha, can you beat that? Act cute mother.

I bet there are thousands of people out there who want to beat me up for acting cute, but I AM PAID TO ACT CUTE, so there.

For this commercial, the idea was for me to be a siao char bor anime-cute type housewife. It was a real challenge because, honestly, how cute can I act when I have my hair pinned up with auntie hair pins and I have a mop in my hand 80% of the time?

The dog is much cuter.

The clients initially didn’t want me because, looking at the audition tape, they thought I was a teenager.

I didn’t act cute in the audition, ok. I was wearing the most mature clothes I own and I had my hair tied up.

The production team thought I was perfect for the role so they fought very long and hard to convince the clients that I could be made to look like a mother.

So, thanks to them, I got the job. Yay.

But I feel a severe identity crisis.

Just a week ago, I was offered the leading role of a 19-year-old in a short film.

I honestly don’t know how to market myself anymore.

Recently, I was rejected for a Pizza Hut commercial for the same reason I was almost rejected for the Kao commercial.

I arrived at the Pizza Hut audition wearing a mickey mouse blouse and short denim skirt because I wasn’t told beforehand what I was auditioning for, and also because I went there directly after another audition for an 18-year-old lead (which I got but had to turn down.)

In the casting room, I found out that Pizza Hut was looking for a young mother. I was, like, “Eeks! But I’m wearing this!” which made me look even more juvenile.

I can be such a dodo sometimes.

But I think I did well because the director called me to say he really wanted to cast me, but the Pizza Hut people thought I was a teenager and totally couldn’t visualise me as a mother, what with mickey mouse and all. I suppose I can’t blame them.

You see the pattern.

I am constantly having to change my image to suit different clients (sometimes many times in a day), which is fun, no doubt, but it really wreaks havoc on my psyche.

But I don’t want to limit myself since the acting job market in Singapore is already so lean it’s 100% fat free.

I guess I’ll have to carry on not having a real age to call my own.

Anyway, switching age is much easier than switching gender, as Vincent will tell you (if you ask him).

Heheh.

The Kao shoot was an impressively huge production. It was shot at someone’s house, which looks more like a resort than a private residence. Lunch and dinner were catered, buffet style, but I couldn’t eat much because we were kept very busy all day, filming non stop.

Oh, to be so rich that your poolside patio is bigger than the average Singaporean’s living room.

Wait. What am I saying?

Oh, to be so rich that you even have a swimming pool in your house. Never mind the patio.

Categories: Acting Journal
11 Comments »

Since I am not a famous actress and no one is going to give me rave reviews for my performance in I Not Stupid Too, I shall do it myself!

I was a certified journalist so I should be more than qualified to give official reviews, shouldn’t I? Even if it’s of myself.

So, here goes.

Shen Qiaoyun — The Review

Making a surprise appearance in hit movie I Not Stupid Too is actress Shen Qiaoyun (formerly known and credited in the movie as Serena Sim).

Ms Shen simply sizzles on the silver screen. Yes, she is hot because her character has a bun in the oven and she looks like she should be lying down on the delivery bed instead of gallivanting around with a bunch of hyperactive kids.

For her role of a conservative pregnant primary school teacher, the youthful-looking actress sacrificed her “Act Cute in Baby Tee” specialty…

…to put on a maternity dress and horn-rimmed glasses.

And it is a worthy sacrifice because the actress really stands out in the movie. That is, her belly really stands out. She has many speaking lines, which, in showbiz terms, means “significant role (but not significant enough to be named in press releases)”.

In fact, this reviewer would find it a daunting challenge if asked to pick a line delivered by the actress that could possibly be Oscar material — there are so many. Should it be the line that goes “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8″, when she counts time for the children for a dance performance, or the one that goes, “2, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8″?

Regardless, it is now clearly evident that Ms Shen can count. To at least eight.

And it is only a matter of time before she receives her pre-school graduation certificate.

On Monday, Jan 16, after the gala premiere of the long-awaited sequel to 2002’s I Not Stupid, a few members of the audience could be heard raving over the actress, who is well on her way to graduating from her showbiz status of “Not So Famous” to “Still Not Famous Yet”.

“Acting is quite natural except for some parts!”

“Looks like a mother!”

“Who the hell are you talking about?!”

These were some of the phrases uttered in praise of the illustrious actress.

Asked to comment on her own performance, Ms Shen said, “I am very relieved that I don’t look as bad on the big screen as I expected I would.”

Pressed further, the actress revealed that she had her hands up at her face throughout the movie in anticipation of cowering in embarrassment whenever she appeared on screen.

Such endearing modesty.

The actress went so far as to disguise herself at the gala premiere so that no one would recognise her as the pregnant teacher in the movie.

Ms Shen was spotted at the cocktail reception emulating Emily, her favourite merchandise mascot.

But her identity was revealed when she was later seen heading towards the theatre seat bearing her name.

Some of the actors were visibly upset by this invasion of privacy.

“Oh my god, our names are on the seats! This is so embarrassing,” said an actor who refused to be named.

Ms Shen, however, graciously took the infringement in her stride because all eyes were on the main stars of the show a few seats away, anyway. Nobody noticed when she busied herself by peering into the goodie bag generously contributed by SingTel and other sponsors.

Watch out for more of Ms Shen’s appearances on TV and cinema screens as the actress lends her presence to any production that can afford her daily rate — an amount somewhere in the vicinity of the gross national product of a developed anthill.

Indeed, I Not Stupid Too, directed by the multi-talented director Jack Neo, is all the more richer with Ms Shen’s involvement because she will be elevating box office takings by forcing all her friends, relatives and neighbours to watch the movie.

I Not Stupid Too launches in cinemas on Jan 26, 2006.

Categories: Acting Journal, Humour, Movies, Popular Posts
29 Comments »

It’s a wonder I still have time to blog.

Remember on Tuesday I said this?:

Over the past two days … my schedulling diary suddenly exploded … All of a sudden, I now have two full-day shoots, one wardrobe fitting session, five auditions to attend, and one magazine article to research and write. (Link)

Well, God must have seen how pleased I was with this last-minute maniacal schedule because he started to think to himself: “How about let’s make her deliriously happy by adding another audition, another wardrobe session, two more rehearsals and one more 15-hour shoot to her already bursting week?”

Yes, he did.

There was actually more. On top of all that, I also had to reject two acting jobs and sacrifice one dinner party for which I have already paid.

All for this week.

I bet my next two weeks (maybe even two months) will be so eventless and free that I’ll even have time to count the number of bird droppings in the car park downstairs on an hourly basis.

That’s how screwy the life of a freelancer is.

And now I have to go to bed because I have to wake up at 5.30 am for a shoot.

Woohoo.

(No, it’s all good, really. This is not a rant.)

Categories: Acting Journal
9 Comments »

Recently, I was shortlisted by a modelling agency to audition for a skincare TV commercial.

I doubt my skin is in any condition to endorse a skincare product so I didn’t think I had half a chance of getting the job. But I went anyway because auditions are good networking opportunities, whether or not you end up getting the job.

So I went to this production house and found out that they were doing another round of shortlisting before the final candidates are sent off to meet the real paying client.

Duh.

Production House Person was actually someone with whom I had worked in the past. She said, “Aiyah, you should have told me you were coming. I would have just sent you directly to the client, no need to waste your time come here.”

“Never mind lah,” I said. “I live nearby anyway.”

Lame.

I should have said something PR like, “Oh, I wanted to drop by and catch up with you.” But curry favouring has never been my forte and I never can do it spontaneously.

Anyway, PH Person told me that the client wanted a fresh face because the commercial is going to be one of those before-and-after thingys.

I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to appear on TV with a face full of fake pimples.

Besides, I’m not exactly a “fresh face”. But PH Person said to go anyway. So I did (the following week) and I met the other contenders.

There were three of them and they were all 19-year-old sweet-young-thing students, all innocent and fresh looking.

I felt like I had mistakenly taken part in a beauty contest for which I was overqualified. Not in the looks department, but age. As I sat there in the room, I waited to be disqualified.

Diiiing! You’re out you’re too old how the heck did you sneak into the finals?

I tried to blend in by not talking too much and giving myself away and I think they didn’t suspect a thing because one of them tried to start a conversation with me by asking me which school I was from.

After making us wait an hour, the client finally decided to see us. I went first because I was the first to arrive at the office. I was the only punctual one, in fact. As if that makes any difference.

When I entered the room, the first words from the client were, “You look very familiar. I’ve seen you on TV before.” Except that she didn’t know who I was nor where she’d seen me before.

Not surprising.

“You look familiar” is one of the most uttered phrases uttered to me, right up there with “How old are you?”

Yeah, yeah. I am 929 years old and I’m your second uncle’s twice-removed cousin’s colleague’s gynaecologist’s great grand aunt.

Well, Ms Client said that if people have seen me on TV before, the before-and-after ad might not be too convincing.

PH Person was there and tried to put a good word in for me by saying that I was the only one who could act, and they did want someone like that.

Then, there was the customary “we’ll let you know” bs and that was it.

I think I need plastic surgery to change my looks. Everyone and his garden rake finds me familiar looking.

But no one knows who I am.

I think that is really insulting. And saddening that I’m too “famous” to appear in certain TV commercials but not actually famous enough to get celebrity endorsements.

I am the unwanted middle child.

Oh, woe.

People stare at me on the streets because they find me familiar, so I have no privacy. I suffer the disadvantages of fame but do not enjoy the benefits.

Excuse me?

I think I must have messed up somewhere.

Categories: Acting Journal
10 Comments »