A very happy, lucky and prosperous Chinese New Year to you!

May the new lunar year be filled with fun and cheers, friends and food, health and wealth and everything else your yearning soul wants!

May you have so much in abundance that it spilleth over!

Then pass some (wealth) over to me!

May your visitings be filled with fat ang pows and yummy bak kuas but devoid of awkward personal questions!

And be nice to doggies! Even little scruffy ones who hate being bathed and groomed!

Have a wonderful long weekend.

I thought I was safe from this blog meme business because I don’t really hang out in blogging circles. But Ruok has now broken my clean record of meme-lessness and tagged me to do this one.

Geez.

So, now, I’m forced (by blog ettiquette) to reveal to the whole world the oddities that I have till now kept hidden from public scrutiny.

Yeah, right. You wish.

My five weird facts

1. I fidget all the time, subconsciously. I always find myself playing with my knuckles, my hair, my nails, pinching my arm, pulling on my neck, biting the insides of my lips, doodling on my knees or thighs with my fingernails, tapping my feet. But I do all these subconsciously. And very gently. I’m no masochist! It’s a stupid ugly habit I’m trying to be rid of.

2. I enjoy studying. I discovered that when I went to Australia. I never missed a lecture or tutorial, did extra homework and prefered studying at home to going out with my friends. I can be such a square. But I have to be interested in the subject, of course. The threat of a lifetime without BBQ chicken wings couldn’t make me study quantum physics, for example.

3. When sleeping with another person on the same bed, I have to face away or I’ll feel claustrophobic. Unless it’s a huge bed and we’re at least an arm’s length apart. (This applies only to actual sleeping. I mean, I am quite capable of cuddling up without feeling claustrophobic.)

4. Certain objects with tiny uneven holes frighten me. I discovered this oddity when I was a youngster learning how to make kueh dadar.

You know when you pour the green batter onto the pan to make the pancake, and if it’s really thin, holes will start appearing on the pancake before it’s cooked? I thought it was a really freaky sight and it made all my tiny hairs stand.

Or when I see a leaf 80% poked out with wormholes, I start experiencing the physical reactions of fear, disgust and mild panic.

I don’t know why! Don’t ask me!

5. I still play the “hop on the insides of floor tiles” game occassionally, when I’m bored getting from one place to another. I think it’s part of my fidgety habit. I just have to have something to do all the time or I’d go insane.

And, now, it’s time to tag five people to continue this silly meme. These are people whom Ruok recently indirectly introduced me to, so if you guys want to complain, you know who to look for. Hur hur. 

You’ve been tagged
Mandrake
Cheryo
MakanGuru
Airhole
KingMeng

Oh my god I’m so ugly.

The bad news is that this is the least ugly picture of the ugly lot. I don’t dare show the others.

When the Goonfather walked past my computer to go to the bathroom, he peeked at the pictures I had open in my Adobe Photoshop. He squinted at them and said, “Ee-yer! Who is this toot!”

*strangles Goonfather*

The good news is that, at the end of the video, I go back to normal.

But the bad news is that I look like the first picture in 70% of the video.

The good news is that the video runs for only 90 seconds. It’s almost like a TV commercial.

According to the client, it will be shown on MRT screens in the Northeast line and at roadshows. I’m glad I don’t know anyone who takes the Northeast line.

Actually, in retrospect, looking ugly for this video is very worth it because it was really fun to act in.

I am this bumbling, loser executive type who gets the brunt of Murphy’s Law. At the end of the video I magically (kinda) transform into a happy, confident chick, thanks to NTUC (which this video is commissioned by).

It’s a comedy. A bit corny, but cute. And very, very fun to act in.

I want to act in comedies and not have to worry about people thinking I’m not good-looking enough to be on TV or in films.

You know how some people are very cruelly practical when it comes to passing judgement on actors and models.

“So ugly still dare to become actress! Wah lau!”

They forget that you need ugly people on TV, too. Yes, even for leading characters. And most comedy shows in Singapore don’t cast unbelievably good-looking actors. They cast real, average-looking people who are funny.

So, that’s what I want to be.

Right. Who am I kidding? I’m lucky to get a job, never mind the choosing part.

He-who-cannot-be-named said that I’m too picky.

No way, man. I did the Carlsberg commercial, didn’t I?

Speaking of which, that commercial is totally playing hide-and-seek with me. Some of you are observant enough to notice that there are four versions and I only appear in one. So far, I have seen all three other versions several times, but I have yet to see mine.

Perhaps it’s for the best. I have been told I look trashy in it.

See, it’s difficult when you’re anywhere above the category of ugly. As long as you’re not ugly, people obssess over your looks. They expect you to look a certain degree of perfection all the time. And if you don’t, it’s your fault.

It’s a stupid world we live in.

Today, my subject matter is a little weird because I woke up with PMS and I’m feeling grumpy.

Some of you may find it distasteful or disrespectful but you shouldn’t because it isn’t.

So.

You know how people like to talk to dead people?

Either in their thoughts or actually whispering the words or even wailing them out loud, I know people who talk to the dead.

I’m not talking about mediums or bomohs. I mean normal people.

Normal people, like you and me, go to grave sites or columbaries to visit loved ones who have passed away.

And we talk to them as if they can hear us.

Do any of us really think the dead can hear us?

Many people grow up with the subconscious assumption that when people die, they become powerful spirits or souls. These powerful beings can see you, hear you, grant you favours or hurt you. That’s why people are so afraid of ghosts. (I blame the movies for that.)

So people offer prayers to dead loved ones and, besides keeping the dead updated with their lives and how they miss them so much and how life isn’t the same without them, etc, they also ask the dead for favours.

“Please make sure ah boy studies hard for his exam, and give him good marks so he can go to a good school ok?”

“Please give me 4D numbers in my dreams.”

I’ve often wondered about this. If people really believe that the dead are so powerful they know what’s going on in the living world and can grant favours, then why is everyone scared to death of dying?

We should all look forward to being powerful beings who can alter the fates of our still-living loved ones. Or even our enemies.

Have you also wondered: If these spirits/souls can hear or see us when we talk to them, doesn’t that mean they can see us any time of the day, 24/7?

So your dead relative knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.

He knows if you’ve been bad or good.

Etc.

It worries me. Actually, scares me.

When I go to the columbarium to pay respects to my dead relatives, I have to go with the assumption that they know I’m there to “see” them and that they can “hear” me when I think to them. Otherwise, what the hell am I wasting my time there for? Which means I also have to assume that they can see or hear me at any given time of my life. Unless you believe they actually live in the columbarium and are limited to contact within the premises.

Regardless, it all means that my dead relatives also know when I cheat on my bus fare and they can also see me shave my legs in the bathtub.

Ack.

So it’s not a new concept because people already believe that God, or whatever deity they believe in, can see them and judge their actions.

But it’s a bit discomforting to think also that someone, who used to be a peer in your life, can now spy on your every activity just because they passed away before you did.

If we don’t believe that, then why do we talk to the dead?

And why do people believe that their dead parent/ancestor/whoever will watch over them?

And for people who ask for favours and offer flowers and food, and burn paper clothes, cash, cars, credit cards, condominiums, laptops with broadband access…

What are they thinking?

I feel blessed. I keep getting pretty daughters.

For free.

The fact that these daughters are only my daughters for the duration of a shoot doesn’t change the fact that I keep getting them. Nor that they’re pretty. Nor that I’m now thinking it’s a sign that I should permanently market myself as an actress in the auntie/mother category.

Here’s my latest daughter:

Isn’t she a sweetie? Like all the rest of my screen daughters, awww.

I also get cute (screen) pets:

Oh, and cute (screen) husbands. Except I forgot to take a photo of my latest husband. But you’ll get to see him maybe in a month or so when the commercial goes on air.

Yes, my commercial roll has indeed rolled on into 2006, although it could have stopped rolling now, I don’t know. You can never tell with them rolly things.

Anyhow, this time, I’m endorsing a Kao household product as a mother. Eek.

The good news is that I’m supposed to act cute. Hahaha, can you beat that? Act cute mother.

I bet there are thousands of people out there who want to beat me up for acting cute, but I AM PAID TO ACT CUTE, so there.

For this commercial, the idea was for me to be a siao char bor anime-cute type housewife. It was a real challenge because, honestly, how cute can I act when I have my hair pinned up with auntie hair pins and I have a mop in my hand 80% of the time?

The dog is much cuter.

The clients initially didn’t want me because, looking at the audition tape, they thought I was a teenager.

I didn’t act cute in the audition, ok. I was wearing the most mature clothes I own and I had my hair tied up.

The production team thought I was perfect for the role so they fought very long and hard to convince the clients that I could be made to look like a mother.

So, thanks to them, I got the job. Yay.

But I feel a severe identity crisis.

Just a week ago, I was offered the leading role of a 19-year-old in a short film.

I honestly don’t know how to market myself anymore.

Recently, I was rejected for a Pizza Hut commercial for the same reason I was almost rejected for the Kao commercial.

I arrived at the Pizza Hut audition wearing a mickey mouse blouse and short denim skirt because I wasn’t told beforehand what I was auditioning for, and also because I went there directly after another audition for an 18-year-old lead (which I got but had to turn down.)

In the casting room, I found out that Pizza Hut was looking for a young mother. I was, like, “Eeks! But I’m wearing this!” which made me look even more juvenile.

I can be such a dodo sometimes.

But I think I did well because the director called me to say he really wanted to cast me, but the Pizza Hut people thought I was a teenager and totally couldn’t visualise me as a mother, what with mickey mouse and all. I suppose I can’t blame them.

You see the pattern.

I am constantly having to change my image to suit different clients (sometimes many times in a day), which is fun, no doubt, but it really wreaks havoc on my psyche.

But I don’t want to limit myself since the acting job market in Singapore is already so lean it’s 100% fat free.

I guess I’ll have to carry on not having a real age to call my own.

Anyway, switching age is much easier than switching gender, as Vincent will tell you (if you ask him).

Heheh.

The Kao shoot was an impressively huge production. It was shot at someone’s house, which looks more like a resort than a private residence. Lunch and dinner were catered, buffet style, but I couldn’t eat much because we were kept very busy all day, filming non stop.

Oh, to be so rich that your poolside patio is bigger than the average Singaporean’s living room.

Wait. What am I saying?

Oh, to be so rich that you even have a swimming pool in your house. Never mind the patio.